robert paul reyes

All I Want for Christmas is Mariah Carey

The first time I hear the iconic intro melody of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” it lets me know that the Christmas season has officially arrived.

Little children dream of Santa Claus sliding down the chimney to deliver toys, and they leave cookies and milk to engender his generosity.

I’m old and jaded and I don’t believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, and I’ve lost trust in all major institutions, but I still dream of the Queen of Christmas, sliding down my chimney to give me all I want for Christmas, namely herself.

While children often offer Santa milk and cookies, I make an effort to welcome Mariah by providing a tray of cannabis-infused cookies and a bottle of Cristal champagne.

My nightmare is that Mariah’s delicious ample rear end will get stuck in my chimney, and instead of singing “All I Want for Christmas is You”, she will scream in terror, and her high notes will burst the Cristal bottle and shatter my hopes that she will spend the night with me.

Who am I kidding? Mariah Carey, the Queen of Christmas belongs to the world, and she will not be spending any quality time with me. It is incumbent upon us to pay homage to Mariah, by playing “All I Want for Christmas” on a loop.

Did Trump Blow Clinton?

A virtual mountain of Jeffrey Epstein’s bank records, emails, private correspondence and other documents has been released over the last two decades through various legal proceedings and congressional actions. In November 2025 alone, the House Oversight Committee released over 20,000 pages of emails from the pedophile’s estate.

This treasure trove of decadence has implicated dozens of politicians, business titans, lawyers, British royalty, and Hollywood stars in Epstein’s child trafficking pyramid scheme. It chronicles the age-old story: the insane appetite of rich and powerful men for the tender flesh of underage girls.

Out of the gazillion documents that have been released it’s a March 20, 2018 email from Mark Epstein to Jeffrey Epstein that has the potential to blow up Donald Trump’s administration.

In an email Mark Epstein told Jeffrey Epstein to ask Steve Bannon, Trump’s former chief strategist, if Russian President Vladimir Putin has “the photos of Trump blowing Bubba.”

“Blowing” someone is a slang term commonly used to describe performing oral sex and “Bubba” is a nickname for former president Bill Clinton.

Is the internet blowing things out of proportion or is there really a chance that Donald Trump, who prides himself on being the epitome of machismo, went down on Bubba?

Considering there is video evidence of Trump simulating oral sex on a microphone and rhapsodizing about Arnold Palmer’s incredibly long shlong, I’d say there’s a fairly good chance Putin has incriminating evidence on Trump.

Trump’s MAGA evangelical cult will rationalize and normalize all manner of their orange messiah’s sins including greed, racism, fraud, sexual harassment and even pedophilia. But the homophobes draw a line at sucking dick, especially a liberal prick. No wonder Trump is obsessed with keeping any more of Epstein’s documents from being released. He must have been reminiscing about sucking Clinton’s wiener when he labeled his tax and spending policies the “The One Big Beautiful Bill.”

In Trump’s Fascist America, Liberals, Gays and Minorities Should Buy Guns

“For decades, the image of gun ownership in America was white, rural and Republican, but that’s been changing, according to gun clubs, trainers, Second Amendment advocates and academic researchers.

They say more liberals, people of color and LGBTQ folks have been buying guns for years and particularly since Trump’s reelection in 2024.”

NPR

Oligarchs like to be photographed embracing their trophy wives, hunters prize photographs depicting them standing before their fallen prey, and MAGA rednecks love to take selfies showing them brandishing their shotguns.

Since time immemorial gun culture, veering towards a gun fetish, has been associated with conservatives. Liberals have an aversion to firearms and many even forbid their children from playing with toy guns.

But the times They are A-Changing. Since the shocking reelection of the fascist Donald Trump, liberals, people of color and LGBTQ people have been stocking up on weapons and ammunition.

When the only people who have guns are Gestapo Ice Agents, racist police officers, militia members and redneck MAGA cultists it behooves liberals and marginalized minorities to forget about political correctness and buy a gun and go to a shooting range to learn how to shoot.

Trans women, particularly Black trans women, are frequent targets of horrific acts of violence, and they would be well-advised to never leave home without being strapped.

Don’t get me wrong I still believe in gun control measures, especially a ban of assault rifles, but in this fascist age liberals, gays and people of color should be responsible gun owners.

South Park’s Trump/Vance Sex Scene Traumatized Me for Life

The latest episode of South Park contains the most disturbing visuals in the history of cinema, it makes the depravity depicted in Faces of Death, Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom, and Caligula, seem like highlights from Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

Donald Trump uncovered the plot between Peter Thiel and JD Vance to abort his love child with Satan. Vance, drawn to look like Fantasy Island’s Tattoo, convinces his boss that he was only acting in his best interest before putting the moves on him.

Trump and his chief fluffer Vance, then proceed to defile and degrade the Lincoln Bedroom, by doing the nasty in the hallowed room. The use of Trump and Vance’s actual faces in the throes of orgasm is enough to make the most randy Romeo swear off sex forever.

South Park perfectly captures the mendacity of the vice president when he exclaims, “it’s so big.” Even South Park’s tiny version of Vance would curse God if his pecker was as puny as the orange pedophile’s.

I am a huge fan of director John Waters, known as the Pope of Trash, for his trashy cult movies. Divine eating fresh dog feces off the sidewalk in Water’s classic Pink Flamingos? That shit ain’t nothing compared to graphic sex scenes between Vance and Trump.

Watching this disturbing South Park episode caused me lasting trauma. I cannot wait for the next episode.

Morgan Freeman: The Voice of God

Morgan Freeman, the world-renowned thespian, has portrayed a US president, Nelson Mandela, and the Almighty in not one but two movies: Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty.

There is only one other actor with the screen gravitas and distinctive voice to challenge Freeman for the title “Voice of God,” James Earl Jones.

It is remarkable that the two actors best known for sounding like God are Black, especially given that early Hollywood often restricted Black performers to stereotypical roles like butlers, maids, elevator operators, or comic sidekicks.

It is ironic that the Voice of God belongs to Freeman who has long identified as an agnostic. Can you imagine if the Almighty had blessed a hack Christian actor like Kirk Cameron with a booming god-like tone? Cameron would exploit his sonorous voice to hawk Bibles, books, and baubles.

“When E.F. Hutton speaks, people listen” was a famous advertising slogan for the E.F. Hutton & Co. financial firm in the 1970s and 1980s. People listen when Morgan Freeman, who grew up poor, speaks.

When I die it won’t be a reedy-sounding voice like that of your average televangelist, but it will be a Freeman-type voice that will welcome me to paradise.

Trump’s New Gold Oval Office Sign Elicits Mockery

I remember when I was a young child, I owned a Dymo label maker, a low-tech mechanical device that created labels by physically embossing characters onto a strip of plastic tape. No batteries or ink required, the only thing I had to purchase was the plastic embossing tape, which had an adhesive backing.

We were a poor family, and my siblings and I had few possessions, and only a handful of toys. Nevertheless, I slapped a label with my name on every toy and possession I owned. My obsession stemmed from boredom and a desire to mark my belongings so my siblings would not use them, not from vanity.

Donald Trump is a manchild with a golden label maker, he puts his label on his hi-rise buildings, hotels, golf clubs and casinos. He also hawks Trump-branded inferior merchandizes to his gullible MAGA followers. I am surprised he hasn’t erected a neon Trump sign on the White House roof, although there are rumors, he plans to name the White House ballroom after himself.

A new gold sign bearing cursive script now hangs next to the door of the Oval Office. The sign is a makeshift office paper taped to the wall. It is not meant to appeal to Trump’s vanity, but as an aid to deal with his dementia. The oval shape of the room is not enough information for the 79-year-old to deduce that it is the world-famous Oval Room, hence the need for the sign.

I suspect that it is not the only sign in the White House, I suspect there may be a “Closet” sign on the door of every closet, lest the senile old pervert mistake it for a restroom and take a dump there.

‘TACO Trump’ Misspells Taco

“Trump’s campaign sent a fundraising email Tuesday night featuring what appears to be an AI-generated image of Trump wearing a sombrero and holding a taco under a banner that misspells “tacos” as “TCOS.”

MSN

Word to the wise, or to the idiot in this case:  AI is a wonderful tool, but it behooves you to proofread before clicking “send.”

The acronym “TACO” meaning “Trump always chickens out” really gets under the narcissist’s thin skin. The term originated on Wall Street to describe the blowhard’s penchant for making theatrical aggressive tariff threats but then invariably backing down, delaying, or reducing them, creating market volatility and economic chaos.

TACO Trump is using the term applied to him in derision to disseminate racist stereotypes, and of course to raise campaign funds.

The AI-generated image depicts Trump wearing a sombrero and holding what looks like a hard-shell Taco Bell taco. The fast-food-loving pig has never tasted an authentic soft taco containing carne asada, chopped cilantro, diced white onion and a squeeze of fresh lime juice.

The email stated: “I love LEGAL immigrants—especially Mexicans! They are hardworking. They open very delicious restaurants.” No doubt, but Mexican restaruants do not serve the inauthentic Taco Bell type taco the moron is holding.

The grifter’s email included multiple prompts to donate money to Trump. You can always count on any communication from Trump to include racist tropes and appeals for donations.

Boomers Love Their Knickknacks

Gen Z are conflicted when they visit their grandparents’ homes: they cherish grandma’s hugs, oatmeal cookies and lavish praise but they suffer anxiety and disorientation from the knickknacks, porcelain figurines, vintage dolls, collectible plates, vacation souvenirs and family photographs that occupy every nook and cranny of their palatial  home. They wonder did their grandparents’ home always look so tacky, or did Liberace come back from the dead, break into their residence, and redecorate to his heart’s content?

The younger generation live in small apartments and starter homes that cannot accommodate the treasure trove of trinkets and keepsakes that their grandparents value so much. Such curios are anathema to their minimalist aesthetic.

They value memories more than material things, keeping those memories on their cell phones and in the cloud, rather than displayed on a fireplace mantel or stored on a bookshelf.  

My advice to the younger generation: Your grandparents are not hoarders, and they take comfort in the knickknacks you consider clutter. It will not kill you if you put your cell phone on silent mode when you visit them. They may not be around for much longer.

I Wish I Would Smell Weed Wherever I Go in Lynchburg

Recently, while walking my dog in a local park, I overheard an elderly gentleman expressing his dissatisfaction to his wife: “I hate smelling weed wherever I go.” There was a faint smell of cannabis in the air, the lingering effect of folks making the best use of a park: basking in the sun, smoking a fat blunt and enjoying life.

The old codger also probably yells “Get off the grass” when children have the audacity to walk on his lawn, and his wife probably screams at him, “I hate smelling your farts, step outside to your blessed lawn when you need to cut one loose.

The old fart was exaggerating; you do not smell the sweet essence of pot everywhere you go in Lynchburg. Although adults can legally possess up to an ounce of marijuana and grow up to four plants per household, the state has not established a legal retail market for sales.

I’m a freaking boomer, but I love the smell of weed, and I wish that dope was sold everywhere, including convenience stores, so that you could really smell the herb wherever you go in Lynchburg.

If I were the mayor of Lynchburg, I would deliberately release the smell of Ganja into the atmosphere of every large public space, the ambient scenting would usher in an age of brotherhood, peace, tranquility, and spirituality.

MAGA Evangelicals are an Existential Threat to Our Democracy

The Bible refers to Jesus as “King of kings and Lord of lords” and  evangelicals consider it their holy duty to debase themselves before their heavenly king.

Romans 1:1 introduces the Apostle Paul as a “servant of Christ Jesus,” emphasizing his voluntary enslavement to Christ, a “bondservant” called to be an apostle.

Evangelicals are brimming with spiritual pride, and though they bow before their Lord Jesus, they consider themselves superior over everyone who does not subscribe to their fundamentalist theology.

MAGA cultists have a patriarchal mindset, and they are predisposed to blindly follow religious and political leaders who speak in the name of Christ. They despise our secular democracy and are on a crusade to establish a white Christian Nationalist theocracy under the kingship of Donald Trump.

The notion of being a servant to a political leader, or even a deity, is anathema to secular and mainstream people of faith, and we will not tolerate any political or religious leader acting like a king.

That is why about seven million Americans throughout our democracy participated in the “No Kings” rallies. We let it be known that we will not tolerate the authoritarian and fascist rule of Donald Trump.

Born-again Christians had such a visceral reaction to the No Kings rallies, because they considered them a demonic attack against their earthly king, Trump. Regular Americans hate the idea of a president acting like a king, but fundamentalists love their authoritarian orange king.

Christian nationalism is incompatible with a secular democracy, and we must treat MAGA evangelicals as an existential threat to our liberal democracy.

Trump Posts AI Video of Himself as a Fighter Jet Pilot Dumping Poop on Us

Last Saturday an estimated seven million people, from every religious, racial, political, and socioeconomic status, participated in the “No Kings” rallies, in the largest single-day political demonstration in our democracy’s history.

We the people, spoke loudly and clearly with one voice: we will not tolerate the desecration, destruction and dismantling of our democracy by an authoritarian leader.

How did Donald Trump respond? Did he address the nation from the Oval Office and promise to take steps to heal our nation? Did he convene a meeting between congressional leaders from both parties to discuss bipartisan solutions to repair our democracy?

Hell to the no!

The demented sociopath released an AI video of himself in a crown piloting a fighter jet named King Trump. The jet flies over our great nation, dumping shit on protestors below.

The video was a graphic and accurate depiction of what Trump has been doing to America since he became president: Shitting on the rule of law. Shitting on the United States Constitution! Shitting on civilized norms! Shitting on the American people. He shits on his own supporters, his cuts to Medicaid and Obamacare severely impacts MAGA cultists who live in red states. He even shits on himself, I pity the fluffer responsible for changing his diapers.

A shitter is gonna shit. Trump will continue to shit on us until we remove him from power. He must be disposed by any means possible: the 25th Amendment, Impeachment, or whatever!

Protestor in Phallic Costume Arrested at ‘No Kings’ Rally

“A protester dressed as a phallic object was arrested during Fairhope’s “No Kings” protest.

The Fairhope Police defended the arrest, stating, ‘She (Jeana Gamble) crossed the line from freedom of expression to obscenity.'”

NBC 15 News

Many protestors at the “No Kings” demonstrations wore costumes, particularly inflatable animal suits and symbolic outfits such as the Statue of Liberty. Keeping in mind that the No Kings rallies were a protest against Dicktator Donald Trump, Gamble donned an inflatable phallic costume.

I commend Gamble for her ballsy attitude, imagination, creativity, and for having the wisdom to wear an appropriate costume for the No Kings rally. Unfortunately, the Fairhope Police Department were not similarly impressed and arrested her for obscenity.

The Supreme Court defines obscenity as a work of art that appeals to the “prurient interest,” the cops are deviants if a 60-year-old woman dressed in a phallic outfit appeals to their prurient obscenity.

A woman peacefully demonstrating against the fascist Trump regime, while dressed as a penis, is not obscene. Stephen Miller, the White House deputy chief of staff, who looks like a dick, talks like a dick, and acts like a dick is the epitome of an obscenity.

An even bigger dick is ironically a man with a micro penis, Donald Trump. A man guilty of pedophilia (allegedly), political corruption, racism, and homophobia is the definition of obscenity.

Gamble was peacefully expressing her point of view, and I hope she sues the Fairhope Police Department for violating her First Amendment rights.

Had a Great Time at the Lynchburg, VA ‘No Kings 2.0’ Rally

Today citizens across the country are taking part in “No Kings 2.0” protest rallies, a coordinated progressive movement aimed at protesting the fascist regime of Donald Trump.

When I woke up this morning, I put on an anti-Trump T-shirt and joggers. I was not wearing my anti-Trump shirt to mark No Kings Day or because I remembered what today signifies; honestly, I often wear anti-fascist clothing, so it just happened by chance. I live and breath resistance by posting anti-Trump essays to my blog, by writing editorials for local newspapers, by speaking out for justice on social media, and by wearing branded clothing that will enrage MAGA cultists.

I attended the Lynchburg, VA No Kings Rally held in Miller Park, and I was pleasantly surprised that hundreds gathered to protest Trump in the city that is home to Liberty University, the evangelical Mecca.

I was delighted by the presence of a significant contingent of clergy, it is soul-satisfying to witness Christian ministers protest the fascist Christian Nationalist MAGA movement.

Many boomers who opposed the Vietnam War attended. The fight against fascism is ongoing; complacency allows it to resurface.

It was unseasonably warm 78 degrees, and I had a wonderful time. I met many friends, everyone who is against Trump is my friend.

I hope I made my anti-Trump sister and nieces proud today.   

Trump Hates Time Cover Photo that Focuses on his Vagina-looking Neck

Donald Trump’s face poses a formidable challenge for photographers: how can they make him look human without Photoshop or AI?  Consider their herculean task: Trump has a mouth that resembles a sphincter, a neck that looks like a prolapsed vagina, eyes similar to a raccoon, skin that is a dead match for a decaying pumpkin, a double chin like a red wattle pig, and hair that appears like cotton candy drenched in urine.

Time Magazine’s recent cover story lavished praise on Trump for brokering a Gaza ceasefire, but instead of basking in the adulatory coverage he blasted the cover photo. He gripped that the photo minimized his hair and added a strange visual element above his head. His verdict: the worst photo of all time.

The photographer Graeme Sloane took the photograph from underneath, perhaps fearing that a straight-on angle might induce nausea. This angle created the halo like effect above his head, making the fallen angel look like an angel of light.

The focus of the image is on his hideous neck that looks like a female’s genitalia. The pic is so graphic and disturbing that his neck region has been pixilated by more than one publication.

I feel tempted to grab Trump by his pussy-looking throat and scream at him: Stop fixating on minor issues, just be grateful that for once a mainstream publication wrote a positive story about you.

May my readers forgive me for including the offensive photograph with my essay.

Photo of Trump Makes it Look Like He Has Horns

Donald Trump has the Midas touch in reverse, everything he touches turns to shit. His attempt to make the interior of the White House golden is a gaudy disaster. He may be an expert builder, but he is a tacky interior decorator.

 The Oval Office looks like the reception area of a brothel; I would not be surprised if Trump has one red button to request a Coke and another to request a blond escort.

Trump has added a bunch of golden detailing to the walls, including a gold eagle. A photograph taken of Trump during a White House cabinet meeting depicts him sitting on a regal chair with his head aligned with the eagle’s wings in just the right position to make it appear as if he has horns.

If a photograph of Obama taken when he was president made him appear as if he had horns, evangelicals would have reviled him as the antichrist. They would have conceded that he was not born in Kenya, but in hell.

But I have not heard any evangelicals express an apprehension that the devilish image may be a sign that their idol might be the antichrist. I guess if evangelicals are not bothered by Trump’s pedophilia, serial adultery, sexual assaults, fascism, business fraud, racism, homophobia, and all-around despicable behavior, they are not going to be bothered by horns growing out of his skull.

If Trump sold a limited-edition NFT of this image at $500 a pop it would sell out in minutes.

Baby Boomers Love Shopping Malls

Shopping malls achieved their peak of popularity in the 80’s, they were a primary destination for teenagers, who were known as mall rats. They were central hubs for social activity and occasionally shopping; after school kids migrated to the malls where they met friends, played arcade games, ate Cinnabon pastries, browsed novelty gifts at Spencer’s, sipped Orange Julius, shoplifted CD’s and hung out until the mall cops chased them away.

Shopping malls were the place to be in the 80’s, and pop singer Tiffany even promoted her debut album with performances in various malls across the United States. Can you imagine a rapper trying to make a name for himself by conducting a tour of malls?

Gen Z kids avoid malls like the plague, these artifacts of an older generation hold all the appeal of bingo halls, churches, libraries, museums and art galleries.

Thousands of shopping malls have closed and the few that remain appeal to an older demographic. Many shopping centers open their doors to walkers prior to regular store hours. These “mall walking “programs allow geezers to exercise their creaking bones in a safe climate-controlled environment, where they do not have to dodge kids in scooters or skates.

Malls open in the early morning hours look like a scene from a zombie movie, with seniors with vacant eyes, shuffling aimlessly, and killing time until the Grim Reaper takes them to the rest home in the sky.

Thank God for Amazon!

God Bless Bad Bunny for Sitting During the Singing of ‘God Bless America’

“The government gives them African Americans the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing ‘God Bless America.’ No, no, no, God damn America, that’s in the Bible for killing innocent people. God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God, and she is supreme.”

Jeremiah Wright

Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama’s pastor, made this prescient statement in 2003 when George W. Bush was president.

It was righteous for God’s prophet to exclaim “God damn America” during George W. Bush’s presidency, for his tax cuts that benefited the wealthy, his ineffectual response to Hurricane Katrine, his anti-abortion stance, his opposition to same-sex marriage and for his general ineptitude.

How much more righteous is it for us to shout “God damn America” during Donald Trump’s regime; he is a sociopath authoritarian despot who makes Bush look like Abraham Lincoln.

MAGA cultists are freaking out after photos emerged online showing Bad Bunny sitting during the singing of “God Bless America” at a New York Yankees game. In this fascist Trump era sitting during the singing of “God Bless America” is the patriotic and democratic thing to do.

God bless America? No, God damn America! God damn America for supporting the genocidal state of Israel! God damn America for treating undocumented people like they are less than human! God damn America for vilifying the LGBTQ community! God damn America for acting like she’s God, and she can impose her will on the rest of the world.

God Bless Bad Bunny for not standing up for “God Bless America”! God Bless Americans who are fighting back against Donald Trump’s fascist regime.

Christian ‘King’s Army’ Marches Through Soho

“BIZARRE footage of an evangelical group dressed in black chanting ‘Jesus Saves’ in Soho has been described as ‘lunacy’.

The National

American style Christian fascism is making inroads in broadly secular English society; there is even a branch of the far-right Turning Point organization.

Around 100 King’s Army Soldiers, dressed in black uniforms, chanting “Jesus Saves” descended on Soho, historically a haven for the LGBTQ community.

King’s Army describes itself on its website as a “coalition of Christians marked by virtue & valor who believe it’s time for the Church to stop living like civilians and start fighting like soldiers!”

If a small army of uniformed bigots raided my neighborhood, shouting “Jesus Saves,” my first thought would be why hasn’t Jesus saved them from bigotry, arrogance, and a bad sense of fashion.

The King’s Army motto is anathema to real Christians; they need to start living like civilians and stop behaving like a militia that is on a crusade to wipe out the LGBTQ people and other marginalized communities.

This stunt is not going to win King’s Army any converts, but it does serve a useful purpose: it wakes up the LGBTQ citizenry to the reality that they have an implacable enemy.

If the Jesus of the Gospels visited Soho, he would be clad in sandals and bohemian clothing, and he would wash the feet of the customers at the gay bars and LGBT clubs, and they would make him the Grand Marshall of their Pride parade.

Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl Performance Will Make Us Proud

Bad Bunny (Benito) is one of the biggest stars in the music constellation. The rapper and record producer from Puerto Rico is known for playing a key role in bringing Spanish-language rap music to global prominence.

The Gen Z icon has a gazillion and one hits, but this boomer is not familiar with any of them. I am more familiar with Benito, the actor.

Happy Gilmore 2 is the quintessential “guy movie”, featuring broad physical comedy, an SNL alum, and tons of profanity.

Adam Sandler delivered what his fans expected: familiar mannerisms, trademark catchphrases, angry antics, and an epic brawl with his long-time rival, Shooter McGavin.

Benito had a supporting acting role as Oscar, a busboy turned caddy for Gilmore. As a counterweight to Sandler’s manic performance, Benito’s restrained performance highlighted his comedic timing and natural likeability.

Evangelical MAGA cultists have their panties in a twist over the selection of Benito as the Super Bowl LIX halftime performer. They are incensed over his progressive political views, his penchant for subverting traditional gender norms and especially for having the audacity to sing in Spanish.

As a progressive Latino who hates the MAGA cult, I am delighted that Benito will be the Super Bowl halftime performer. If he is as good a singer as he is an actor, I expect him to crush it at the Super Bowl.

Benito haznos sentir orgullosos.

Bear Named Chunk Winner of Fat Bear Week Despite Broken Jaw

“A brown bear weighing over 500kg (1,200 pounds) has overcome a broken jaw to become the winner of Fat Bear Week 2025.

Chunk received the most votes in a competition between 12 brown bears in which people pick the bear they believe ‘best exemplifies fatness and success’ as they prepare for winter hibernation.”

BBC

It’s usually cats, and sometimes puppies, which go viral online, but Chunk a brown bear tipping the scales at 1,2000 pounds has captured the hearts of animal lovers.

Chunk, the winner of Fat Bear Week, drew a huge streaming audience; viewers were fascinated watching him use his huge paws and broken jaw to snatch salmon. Chunk is an inspiration to us all; he doesn’t let his disability hinder him from snatching the delicious fish.

The winner is the bear that best exemplifies fatness and success, thank goodness that fatness and success are not mutually exclusive. So, don’t hate on me as I munch on Doritos when I watch videos of Chunk.

Chunk is a lover and a fighter, he likely broke his jaw while fighting another bear during mating season. Chunk does not let his disability slow him down, he gets his freak on with the ladies, and he eats more salmon than the average bear.

The Fat Bear Week festivities attracted a huge virtual crowd this year, more than 1.6 million people voted for their favorite bear.

Thank God for Chunk, we need some good news to make us forget about all the bad news.

The Rapture

The Rapture is an eschatological belief held by dispensationalist evangelicals, that true believers will be suddenly and supernaturally raptured or “caught up” from Earth to meet Jesus in the air. After the event, those who believe will ascend to heaven, whereas those who do not will remain and endure seven years of catastrophic tribulation.

Reformed, Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, Oriental Orthodox, and most mainline Protestant churches do not believe in the Rapture delusion. It is a heresy that has taken root primarily in evangelical and fundamentalist churches in America.

In places like Nigeria, Syria, North Korea, and Somalia where Christians are massacred and owing a Bible is illegal, the persecuted believers are not counting on the Rapture to deliver them.

In other words, in countries where Christians are a persecuted minority the Rapture is not a popular doctrine, but in America where Christians are in the majority it is a widely held belief.

In America if a department store salesperson tells Christians “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” snowflakes cry out that they are persecuted and they long for the Rapture.

Not only are evangelicals wimps for hoping that the Rapture will save them from faux persecution, but they are selfish assholes for not caring that those left behind will face seven years of tribulation.

If only the Rapture were real and MAGA Christians were raptured to meet Jesus in the air and then dropped straight to hell while those of us left behind enjoy paradise on Earth.

To Hell with Evangelicals and Their Child-like Faith

Evangelicals believe the Bible is the inspired and infallible Word of God. They trust Scripture implicitly, and they place a premium on child-like faith. They take pride in believing in fables and allegories like Noah’s Ark, Jonah and the Whale, and the Tower of Bable with the innocence and naivety of children.

Doubt is the unpardonable sin, and they pray away every last vestige of skepticism. Critical thinking is for atheists, liberals and heathen and they swallow hook, line, and sinker every doctrine of their faith. The evangelical brain is conditioned to have zero critical thinking skills, doubt kills faith.

Therefore, they accept without reservation every idiotic, irrational and batshit crazy utterance that emanates from the sphincter-shaped mouth of their messiah, Donald Trump. They believe every lunatic conspiracy theory that is posted on a MAGA website or published in a far-right conservative publication.

This is why your sweet evangelical grandma thinks liberals are Satan-worshipping pedophiles, and that’s why MAGA Republicans voted for a malignant narcissist, adjudicated rapist, serial adulterer, suspected pedophile, convicted fraudster and steaming pile of human shit.

You will never convince a child who’s been indoctrinated by their parents that Santa is not real, and you will never convince an evangelical that Donald Trump is the embodiment of evil.

We cannot expect the Lord to rapture these cultists to heaven or to hell where they really belong. We must take care of matters ourselves and vote MAGA politicians out of office, and mock and ridicule evangelicals into silence.

‘Praise Music’ is the Soundtrack of the Apocalypse

Back in the 1970s, when I attended a Baptist church, the pastor’s sermon always followed worship songs. The minister’s wife crooned a couple of songs and then the congregation belted beloved hymns like “Amazing Grace,” “Mansion Over the Hilltop,” and “How Great Thou Art.”

The emphasis was on the lyrics that extolled the saving power of Jesus, and the music was just an appetizer before the meat of the Word of God delivered by the pastor.

Today most evangelical churches have replaced hymns with praise music. Praise music induces a meditative, transcendent state of consciousness, by using repetitive patterns and phrases.

These techniques prepare worshippers to have a spiritual experience, which has nothing to do with the traditional Gospel or communing with the Almighty. Evangelicals may repeat “Jesus, I love you” ad nauseum and then exclaim “Amen,” when the MAGA pastor praises Donald Trump, who anyone with a smidgen of spiritual insight would recognize as a steaming pile of human shit.

Christian nationalist worship leaders, like Sean Feucht, are frequently the opening acts at MAGA rallies. Adolf Hitler idolized and obsessively loved the music of German composer Richard Wagner, and Donald Trump loves praise music, and features contemporary Christian worship leaders in his rallies.

Praise music is the soundtrack of the Apocalypse, and whenever I hear praise music I pray that God will smite the fucken somnambulists.

I Love Me Some Kohl’s Mom

Ellie Kemper, celebrated for her roles in “The Office” and “Bridesmaids”, is best known as “Kohl’s Mom,” the lovable and humorous brand personality created by Kohl’s, the American retail store department chain.

Although Kemper is an attractive actress, her characters—like Kimmy Schmidt in “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” and Erin Hannon in “The Office”—are known for their innocence and kindness rather than sexuality.

Kemper’s own experience as a busy mom of two makes her a perfect fit for the role of Kohl’s Mom, an omnipresent but non-intrusive brand spokesperson who is always ready to offer a word of advice to her customers.

 When I was a dapper young man department store salespersons always hovered nearby, eager to earn a commission by steering me towards high-end merchandize. As a senior citizen, I feel unnoticed and must signal for assistance.

But I am confident that Kohl’s Mom would acknowledge my presence with a welcoming smile and offer her witty advice as if I were the only customer in the store.

In the commercials, customers call her “Kohl’s Mom,” and it is assumed that everyone recognizes her. Indeed, her commercials have gone viral, and she is a household name, even in pitiful towns where there is not a Kohl’s store.

I dreamt about Kohl’s Mom the other night, I was a young man again, Kohl’s Mom was the greeter, she made it rain Kohl’s cash, dazzled me with her latent sexuality, and everything was right with the world.

‘Jesus, Take the Wheel’ Songwriter Dies in a Plane Crash

“Country singer and songwriter Brett James, known for the hit “Jesus, Take the Wheel,” died with two others in a small plane in North Carolina’s mountains.”

Spectrum News 1

“Jesus, take the wheel,

Take it from my hands,

‘Cause I can’t do this on my own.”

Brett James

I don’t particularly care for country music, especially when it’s infused with Christian lyrics. It’s miserable to have a brain worm, but it’s torture to have an earworm. If I hear a snippet of “Jesus Take the Wheel”, it’s ensconced in my mind until I scream out: “Jesus Take the Fucken Wheel and crash into the nearest power pole.”

“Jesus Take the Wheel” is one of the most lyrically insipid and theologically ignorant songs in the annals of country music. It implies an unhealthy level of passivity, and an unwise dependence on an invisible deity. I know Christians who pray for “traveling mercies” and then proceed to text and sing along to Lauren Daigle bangers while they drive merrily on down the road.

I live according to the teachings of Jesus, but I don’t beg Jesus to take the wheel, or control of my life. I’m not going to abdicate my own decision-making process to any televangelist or theologian who claim to speak for God.

Jesus didn’t take over the flight controls of the single-engine Cirrus SR22T plane and Brett James died in the crash.

I pray that a hack songwriter won’t be inspired to write, “Jesus Take Over the Flight Controls.”