Imagine if Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels Had a Love Child

Melania Trump isn`t unduly upset about her husband`s numerous dalliances with porn stars and Playboy models, after all a trophy wife keeps her eyes on her husband`s bank accounts, and not on his adulterous relationships.

But the First Lady is reportedly furious that Trump showed Stormy Daniels a picture of baby son Barron right before he poked her with is mushroom-shaped baby penis.

Trump wasn`t going to turn on the lady by showing her his dick pics, the least he could do was to put her in a good mood by showing her photos of his baby.

Can you imagine how furious Melania would have been if the one-night stand between Stormy and the Donald had resulted in a baby?

One wonders what the baby would have been named:

Chlamydia if it`s a girl, and Clappie if it`s a boy?

Baby Toadstool



Bigly Bastard

Thank God a baby wasn`t conceived out of that unholy union, he/she would have been destined to be the Antichrist or a carnival barker.

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Karen Pence Refused to Kiss Mike Pence After Trump Won the Election

“Karen Pence, the wife of Vice President Mike Pence, spurned her husband and wouldn`t even say hello to President Trump on Election Day 2016 when it became clear Trump won the White House, a new book about the campaign says.

After Pennsylvania was called for Trump giving him the win, Pence moved to kiss his wife, and she turned away.

`You got what you wanted, Mike. Now leave me alone,` she said, Michael Lewis writes in his book, `The Fifth Risk,` according to an excerpt published in The Guardian on Thursday.”

The New York Post

Karen Pence, hereafter referred to by her pet name “Mother,” is an evangelical Christian who reportedly was disgusted by Trump`s misogynist comments on the “Access Hollywood” tape. Like any evangelical Christian who hasn`t become inebriated on Kool-Aid she finds the president reprehensible.

As the wife of a veteran politician Mother knows that politics makes strange bedfellows, and she wouldn`t be too surprised if she caught her hubby in bed with a 20-something Bernie Sanders bro.

But when Pence agreed to become Trump`s running mate she must have been sick to her stomach. The Bible warns about being unequally yoked with unbelievers, and she must have imagined that the unholy union between her spouse and Trump sealed their damnation.

On election night when it became clear that Trump won the White House, Pence attempted to give Mother a celebratory kiss, but she rudely rebuffed him, saying “You got what you wanted, Mike. Now leave me alone.”

I doubt that Mike has received anything more than a peck on the cheek from Mother the last two years, and she`s probably permanently shuttered her back door, depriving him of the back door action that he craves.

If Mike doesn`t succeed Trump after impeachment or after the end of his term, I`m betting Mother will swiftly divorce him.

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Donald Trump is a Functional Illiterate

Donald Trump has the grammar skills of a dyslexic fifth grader, and listening to his speeches on a regular basis is guaranteed to knock off twenty points from your IQ.

Trump`s lexicon is as thin as a pamphlet, and it would take an extraterrestrial only a couple of days to learn how to converse with him.

The Stable Genius saturates his conversation with adjectives, but his vocabulary contains only a few adjectives that we have become intimately acquainted with: bigly, huge, beautiful, incredible, and tremendous.

The presidential wordsmith has a penchant for overusing a few annoying phrases: fake news, witch hunt, con job, and his favorite “believe me,” ironic for a pathological liar who is the least believable person in the universe.

The short-fingered vulgarian occasionally utters profanities in public, but by all accounts his private discourse is littered with obscenities. It`s axiomatic that the more grammar-challenged a person is, the more he resorts to vulgarities.

Let me conclude this essay by telling Trump what I think of him in Trumpspeak:

Believe me, you are a fuc*ing moron with a huge propensity for lying and exaggerating. It will be a beautiful day when you are impeached, and removed from office. I can`t wait to christen your grave with golden showers, that will be the most glorious day in history.

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Is Bongo Cat God?

“Move over Peter Criss, there`s a new drummer cat in town: the Bongo Cat, borne of an unassuming animated GIF where a marshmallowy kitten slaps a table in contentment, has pitter-pattered its way into the internet`s heart. Like any number of feline parasites before it, it`s mutated into strange new forms with time, infecting Twitter with a rare case of wholesomeness and plain old good vibrations.

New York`s Brian Feldman celebrated the birth of the Bongo Cat by tracing its path to online superstardom. The source of all this good cheer is a simple, two-frame cartoon animation by artist @StrayRogue, posted all the way back in early May.”

AV News

Bongo Cat is a minimalist masterpiece, videos and gifs of this crudely drawn kitty playing the bongo drums are all over the Internet. It`s no surprise that a cat has accomplished what Kim Kardashian`s fat butt failed to do, namely break the Internet.

If a bong-playing hippy moved next door to me, I would pay a crackhead $10 to beat his head like a drum. But who the hell doesn`t love Bongo Cat, that`s a rhetorical question, he`s the most beloved feline in the history of the Internet.

How can Bongo Cat not be an Internet sensation? Cats are adorable, and drums are cool!

There`s not that many wholesome things on the Internet, and Bongo Cat is wholesome as fuc*! Very few of my essays can be described as “wholesome,” allow me to make amends by posting this video of Bongo Cat.

Donald Trump Claims He Wanted the UN to Laugh at His Speech

“After he was laughed at on the world stage in an embarrassing moment on Tuesday, President Donald Trump is now claiming that his boasts to the United Nations General Assembly about his accomplishments in office were meant to get some laughter.

CNN`s Jim Acosta reported on Twitter Tuesday afternoon: Trump on laughter at UN during speech: `Oh it was great. Well that was meant to get some laughter, but it was great.`

The room full of world leaders at the General Assembly Hall rippled with laughter on Tuesday after the president claimed in his signature hyperbolic style that his administration `has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country.`”


This is a follow-up to my article: Donald Trump Laughed at by UN for Saying His Administration Has Accomplished Most in History

The United Nations General Assembly is an august body where world leaders pontificate on serious matters, we vividly remember Colin Powell`s speech in 2003 where he articulated his case for war against Iraq.

The General Assembly isn`t akin to the White House Correspondents` Association Dinner where politicians play at being a late-night comic. Trump himself was deadly serious last year when he spoke before the General Assembly and threatened North Korea.

Trump`s boast that his administration has accomplished more than any other administration in history is a joke, but he wasn`t joking when he uttered the absurdity.

Trump`s boast wasn`t meant to elicit laughter, and you can be sure that he was seething on the inside when world leaders laughed at his remark.

Trump probably reamed his speechwriter, Stephen Miller, for including this line which works great at a campaign rally, but is patently ridiculous spoken anywhere else.

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Donald Trump Laughed at by UN for Saying His Administration Has Accomplished Most in History

“President Trump on Tuesday strode to the podium at the United Nations General Assembly in New York City to share the extraordinary progress the United States has made during his time in office. The reaction he received from the assembled world leaders wasn`t what he was expecting.

`In less than two years my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country,` Trump proclaimed. There was a smattering of audible laughter from the assembled diplomats, representing 193 countries.

The president paused his prepared remarks.

`So true,` Trump said with a tight-lipped smile, adding: `Didn`t expect that reaction but that`s OK.`

More laughter and applause followed.”


A Donald Trump campaign rally is as well choreographed as a church service. When Trump wants to pump up the intensity he cries out “Lock Her Up” or “Build the Wall,” and the faithful dutifully repeat the refrain.

At every rally Trump boasts that his administration has accomplished more than any administration in the history of our country, and his devotees burst out in applause.

The president hasn`t locked up Hillary, built the wall, and he`s had precious few accomplishments, but his base lives in an alternate reality where he`s incoherent tweets and racist comments are making America great again.

Perhaps I shouldn`t compare a Trump rally to a church service but to a mass circle jerk, and when the orange messiah declares that his administration has accomplished more than any other administration confetti of orgasmic bliss rains down on the arena.

When the Stable Genius strode to the podium at the United Nations General Assembly in New York City, and made his familiar boast at the very least he expected polite applause. Instead he was greeted with incredulous laughter, because everyone in America outside of his base, and everyone in the world knows he`s a fuc*ing moron.

On the campaign trail Trump would often say that the world is laughing at us referring to Obama`s administration, it`s poetic justice that he was vividly shown that he`s the laughing stock of the civilized world.

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Detroit Police Officer Fired for Calling Residents ‘Zoo Animals’

“The Detroit Police Department confirmed on Monday that it had fired an officer and opened an investigation into his conduct after a picture he posted to Snapchat with a racially-charged message went viral.

Sean Bostwick, 27, who worked in the 12th Precinct, posted a photo of himself in his uniform with the caption “Another night to Rangel (sic) up these zoo animals.” He posted the photo directly before starting his shift on Sunday.”

Detroit Free Press

Now that this racist pig is going to have a lot of free time on his hands, I suggest he take an adult school class in remedial English. Rangel?

Precinct 12 is on the city`s northwest side bordering the infamous Eight Mile Road, and it`s one of the most dangerous precincts.

What precinct 12 needs are police officers who have a mindset of protecting and serving the community, and that starts by viewing the residents as hardworking people who are trapped in an area where there are no jobs and little hope for the future.

Bostwick considered anyone roaming the streets at night an animal that needed to be wrangled, i.e arrested on any pretext and jailed.

Fortunately, Bostwick was a new hire and still on probation, therefore the police department could summarily fire him.

Pic of racist pig:

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Eight Reasons Why Sex Robots are Superior to Prostitutes

There`s a big market for sex robots, and robot brothels are opening in cities all over the world, which leads me to ask: are sex robots superior to prostitutes?

There is no such thing as a prostitute with a heart of gold, when a woman is treated as a piece of meat with three orifices for rent her heart shrinks to a hard pebble.

Here are eight reasons why a sex robot is superior to a hooker:

The computer generated moans of a sex robot are more realistic than the fake moans of a bored whore.

A sex robot`s orifices aren`t cesspools of STD`s, after each use the machine can be thoroughly cleansed with bleach. I doubt a prostitute douches and scrubs her love box, or even takes a shower in between customers.

The eyes of a typical working girl resemble the orbs of a dead fish, whereas the twinkle in a sex robot`s eyes will never diminish, as long as the batteries don`t wear out.

A harlot in a brothel will gossip about your shortcomings, but what happens in the room with your sex robot stays in the room.

Intercourse with a lady of the evening has legal and moral implications, whereas sex with a sex robot is simply masturbation. You can walk out of a robot sex brothel like a boy scout who hasn`t broken any laws or cheated on your wife or girlfriend.

If you visit a streetwalker when you`re inebriated there`s a chance she might roll you, but there`s zero chance a sex robot will take advantage of a drunk customer.

A call girl might not be able to suppress a giggle when she sees your manhood, but a sex robot can be programmed to believe that every client is hung like a horse.

A John with a conscience will always wonder if any of the escorts he slept with got pregnant and had his baby. Needless to say you don`t have to worry about getting a sex robot pregnant.

Sex with a human prostitute dehumanizes the woman, and sex with a sex robot dehumanizes the John. My suggestion is to find a loving (human) partner and enjoy a monogamous relationship, and steer clear of sex robots and prostitutes.

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Gavin Newsom Compares Donald Trump to Pennywise the Clown

“President Donald Trump on Thursday night slammed California lieutenant governor and Democratic gubernatorial candidate Gavin Newsom, calling him a clown.

`Democrats want to give welfare and free health care to illegal aliens,` Trump said. `How about this clown in California who`s running for governor? He wants open borders and then he wants to give them health care, education, everything.`

Newsom fired back on Twitter by comparing Trump to Pennywise, the terrifying clown in Stephen King`s `It.`:

Interesting description coming from the guy who is literally locking up kids like Pennywise.”

Huffington Post

Donald Trump calling a politician a clown is like Mike Tyson berating a friend for giving his girlfriend a hickey.

When I see Trump with his sphincter-shaped mouth, urine-colored cotton candy hair, and his orange complexion, I think this is what a clown must look like if Satan operated a circus.

Everything about Newsom from his movie star good looks to his eloquence to his command of the issues is the antithesis of a clown, and everything about Trump from his absurd appearance to his incoherent babbling to his ignorance of foreign and domestic policy is the epitome of a clown.

Newsom is spot on in comparing Trump to Pennywise the clown, Trump locks up immigrant children in concentration camps and Pennywise locks up children in the bowels of the Earth.

Pennywise emerges from the gutter every few decades to unleash evil, but hopefully Trump`s first term will be his only opportunity to unleash chaos. I doubt our democracy can survive a second term of Trump`s buffoonery, stupidity and just plain evil.

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Plastic Jesus Vandalizes Donald Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame Star

“There is a doctrine in tort law known as `attractive nuisance` that concerns structures, such as pools, hot tubs, playgrounds, etc. that are attractive to children. The rule of attractive nuisance holds that if a child is injured as a result of using an attractive nuisance, the property owner is liable for such injury, even if the child had no permission to be on the property in the first place.”


Let my explain the tort law known as “attractive nuisance” in layman terms: If you have a slide in your unfenced front yard, and if a punk kid who doesn`t respect property rights slides down, and the uncoordinated idiot breaks his neck, you are legally liable.

“Donald Trump`s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame got the prison bars treatment … after a familiar prankster pulled off the hilarious stunt.

“The president`s WOF star was locked down after a street artist, who goes by the name Plastic Jesus, attached bars to the star.

Plastic Jesus says he used instant-drying, industrial strength, double-sided sticky tape, which is why he says it took the Trump supporter HOURS to remove them, also to everyone`s delight.”


Donald Trump`s Walk of Fame star has been repeatedly vandalized, it`s been spray painted, broken apart by a pickaxe, and shattered by a sledgehammer.

Trump`s star is an attractive nuisance, it`s almost impossible for a patriot who walks by the star not to desecrate the execrable thing.

If I ever visit Hollywood and I see the abomination, and if I don`t have a hammer handy, I will whip out my Johnson and piss on it.

The Walk of Fame is administered by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, and they should be legally liable for the $2,000 that it takes to replace the star after it`s vandalized.

Plastic Jesus should be rewarded with a key to the city by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce for his artistic vandalism.

In fact, I wish Plastic Jesus would run for president in 2020, he would do an infinitely better job than the false Messiah elected by white evangelicals, racists, rednecks and other assorted riff-raff.

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