robert paul reyes

World’s Oldest Cat, Nutmeg, dies at 32

“Nutmeg, believed to be the world`s oldest cat, died in England at the age of 32 earlier this month, his owners said.

Westway Veterinary Group in Newcastle upon Tyne announced Nutmeg died on Sept. 14 as a result of heart failure.

Liz and Ian Finlay cared for Nutmeg for 27 years after taking him in as a stray when he was 5 years old.

Finlay and his wife said their other cat Spice, who died in the early 2000s, constantly brought Nutmeg into their home before they decided to adopt him.

Finlay attributed Nutmeg`s long life to healthy portions of treats such as tuna, cream and hot roast chicken.”

UPI.Com

Cats are entitled to nine lives, but after having lived for 32 years I doubt Nutmeg will be reincarnated.

Nutmeg was a stray cat who was adopted when he was five years old, had he stayed on the streets he would probably wouldn`t have lived more than ten years. Feral felines live short and brutish lives; God bless people who adopt stray cats.

Nutmeg`s owners attribute his long life to healthy portions of treats such as tune, cream and hot roast chicken. I`ve owned cats all of my adult life, and one of my cats lived for twenty years, and I fed her tuna regularly. Don`t be afraid to spoil your kitties by feeding them human food every once in a while.

Nutmeg`s owners are so heartbroken that they don`t plan on getting another cat. I hope they change their minds after their sorrow subsides, I can`t imagine life without a cat.

Read More:

https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/09/22/Worlds-oldest-cat-Nutmeg-dies-at-32/3681506109735/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=1

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Rocket Man Vs The Dotard! Who Are You Rooting For?

Donald Trump has been called every name in the book, his willful ignorance, depraved profanity and epic narcissism is enough to make even a nun call him anything but a child of God.

When President Donald Trump gave an an address at the United Nations (The Mecca of diplomacy) on September 19, 2017 he referred to North Korea`s regime as a “band of criminals” and he called Kim Jong-un a “Rocket Man on a suicide mission.”

Trump`s speech at the United Nations is the equivalent of a sex worker giving a lecture at Notre Dame University where she blasts the school`s administration as “hypocritical and puritanical a**holes who need to get their heads out of the pope`s ass, realize it`s the 21st century, and allow escorts to ply their ancient trade in their university.”

Leave it to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un (no stranger to fiery rhetoric), to come back with the perfect rejoinder:

I will surely and definitely tame the mentally deranged U.S. dotard with fire.

The Oxford Dictionary definition:

An old person, especially one who has become weak or senile.

The Urban Dictionary definition:

When you are in the midst of your dotage meaning that you are in the midst of your mental decline. i.e. you`re in the process of becoming a fuc*ing idiot.

I admit I didn`t know the definition of “dotard,” but it`s a perfect description of Trump. It`s similar to “retard,” but not as politically-incorrect.

Kim Jong-un is the Dear Leader of a communist hellhole, but most of us are hoping and praying that he will indeed tame the mentally deranged dotard with fire.

Maybe North Korea`s military technology is more advanced than we ever suspected, and they are capable of launching a tiny projectile, no longer than Trump`s penis, and target the freaking dotard.

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Lawrence O’Donnel’s Epic Off-air Rant! MSNBC Should Have Him Committed to an Asylum

“MSNBC`s Lawrence O`Donnell has apologized for his off-air outbursts during his Aug. 29 broadcast of The Last Word.
In an apology posted to Twitter, the Last Word host expressed remorse following the viral footage – which Mediaite obtained and posted Wednesday afternoon.
`A better anchorman and a better person would`ve had a better reaction to technical difficulties,` O`Donnell said. `I`m sorry.`”
Mediaite.com
Lawrence O`Donnell`s apology for his crazy outbursts during his August 29 broadcast of The Last Word is the understatement of the year.
In the obscenity-laden rant, O`Donnell gesticulates like a patient off his medication, bangs on his desk like a drummer on crack, and curses like a drunken sailor.
“There`s insanity in the control room tonight,” O`Donnell screams. The only insanity is behind the anchor desk; the prima donna goes freaking nuts over technical difficulties.
“A better anchorman and a better person would`ve had a better reaction to technical difficulties,” no shi*! Donald Trump would`ve had a better reaction to technical difficulties, right after his wife turned down his request for sex because “an hour to cleanse myself after 60 seconds of sex with you isn`t worth the effort.”
O`Donnell`s off-air outburst is eerily reminiscent of Bill O`Reilly`s classic off-air freakout. O`Donnell is a liberal and O`Reilly is a conservative, but they are both blowhards who treat their subordinates like dirt.

Link to O`Reilly`s breakdown:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qy-Y3HJNU_s
O`Donnell owes his staff and viewers a public apology on his show. I will boycott O`Donnell`s program until he apologizes for his unhinged behavior.
Link to video of O`Donnell`s off-air mental breakdown:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmIJ1YEcTiY
Read More:
https://www.mediaite.com/online/lawrence-odonnell-apologizes-for-off-air-tirade-a-better-person-wouldve-had-a-better-reaction/

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Wanker Launching Line of Fanny Packs Featuring Images of Hairy Bellies

“A London-based artist is seeking help launching a line of fanny packs featuring images of pudgy, hairy bellies.

The `Dadbag` promises the wearer convenient travel storage as well as an instant “dad bod” in six different styles.”

UPI

Some fashion fads like cameltoe-enhancing vinyl jumpsuits, bellbottom pants, wide-collar shirts, platform shoes, and above else fanny packs should be left in the dustbin of history.

If I ever pen my autobiography I will leave out the fact that I rocked fanny packs in the 90`s.

A London-based artist/wanker is attempting to bring back fanny packs – surely a sign that Armageddon is right around the corner.

If you revive a fashion accessory from a bygone era, at least update it for the current generation. For example if you bring back the tight-fitting vinyl jumpsuit it should be emblazoned with the slogan: Real Women Sport Cameltoes!

But this British twit is making the fanny pack even worse by featuring images of pudgy, hairy bellies.

This insane fashionista is considering crowdsourcing his project. For the love of God I beseech a Londoner to buy a fanny pack at a thrift store, fill it with rocks, and administer the creator Albert Pukies a good solid bashing.

Read More:

https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/09/20/Dadbag-fanny-pack-offers-artificial-dad-bod/3851505931410/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=3

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September 2017 Archives Page Two:

https://robertpaulreyes.com/september-2017-archives-page-2/

 

Donald Trump Jr. Wants to Give Up Secret Service Protection! Why Can’t His Idiot Dad Do the Same?

“Donald Trump Jr. has asked to be removed from Secret Service protection, telling friends he wants more privacy, according to two people briefed on the decision.

It`s a rare move for a member of the president`s family to forgo a security detail, in part because adult children are counseled by the Secret Service that they are quickly seen as targets for those railing against their famous parents.

One close friend of the president`s son said Trump Jr. has been talking for weeks about waiving the 24-hour protection that Secret Service agents provide him, his wife and their five children. But it was unclear Monday night whether he had requested his wife and children be dropped from protection. Secret Service spokeswoman Catherine Milhoan declined to comment on whether Trump Jr. and his family were no longer receiving protection.”

Washington Post

During his first seven months in the White House, Donald Trump has taken seven trips to Mar-a-Lago, five to his golf resort in New Jersey; and one to Trump Tower in Manhattan.

Earlier this year, Junior`s business travel to Uruguay cost the Secret Service nearly $100,000, and that was just for hotel rooms. Which begs the question, does he travel with a harem of bimbos?

Donald Trump`s weekly trips to his resorts, and the business and vacation trips of his sons and daughters are bankrupting the Secret Service.

I don`t know what prompted Trump Jr. to request that he be removed from Secret Service protection, but I hope his father and his siblings follow his example before they bankrupt the federal government.

I`m not saying I want Trump to be assassinated, but the prospect of Trump traveling sans Secret Service protection fills my heart with joy and hope for the future of our great democracy.

Let me make it abundantly clear, I`m not advocating for the assassination of Trump, and anybody who makes threats against the president should be prosecuted.

However, I hope and pray that a solid citizen will lie to Trump and tell him that Kim Jong-un doesn`t have any bodyguards. That would be enough for Trump to try to out-macho the Korean dictator and compel him to dismiss his Security detail.

Read More:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/donald-trump-jr-wants-to-give-up-secret-service-protection/2017/09/18/2a0e7e72-9cd3-11e7-9c8d-cf053ff30921_story.html?utm_term=.3d633329ef1c

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Donald Trump, Twitter and the End of the World

Outrage is the coin of the realm on social media, especially Twitter. Trump has a volcanic nature and his default mode is outrage, therefore Twitter is the perfect platform for him to publish his insane proclamations.

Many presidents have occasionally used the editorial pages of the New York Times or the Washington Post to communicate with the American public. But Trump`s grammar is unfit for a middle school newspaper, let alone a prestigious publication like The New York Times, fortunately there are no grammar rules per se on Twitter, and he can vent to his illiterate heart`s content on the social media site.

I sometimes wax apoplectic on Twitter and nobody bats an eye, because that`s just how people roll on Twitter.

Even though Trump is the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World we shrug when he spouts nonsense on Twitter. Nothing to see her folks, it`s just our Buffoon-in-Chief talking smack on his favorite social media platform.

Trump could tweet that Kim Jong-un the Rocket Man and Crooked Hillary should ride a nuclear-tipped missile shaped like a dildo and crash into a deserted island and we would take it in stride, after all Trump has been twitting crazy shi* for years.

If Trump tweeted “crazy fundies are right and September 23, 2017 is really the end of the world and imma gonna grab me as much pussy as I can before then!,” I would think to myself what kind of a fuc*ed up world do we live in, I always thought the end of the world would be announced by heavenly trumpets, not by a stupid Trump tweet.

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Mother! the Worst Film in the History of Cinema!

My coworker has been trying to persuade me for months to stream or download movies from a torrent site, but I always countered that it was copyright infringement, and that downloading films from a torrent site was an excellent way of contracting a virus.

But the other night I couldn`t find a straight-to-video flick on Netflix that looked interesting, so I made the fateful, or should I say fatal, decision to watch Mother! on a popular torrent site. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, now I know what they mean by “curiosity killed the cat.”

Little did I know that not only was I exposing my computer to malware, but I was also exposing my soul to eternal damnation.

Mother! is the worst movie in the history of cinema. The running time of this execrable mess is 121 minutes, but it will take you 121 years of therapy to recover from watching it.

The writer and director Darren Aronofsky should be banned from Hollywood for life, and forced to live in a conservative community where a work like Mother! Is viewed as sacrilegious trash.

The star of Mother! And Aronofsky`s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence should endure all the indignities and torments that her character suffered a hundredfold in real life.

After I viewed Mother! I took a long bath, but I still felt defiled and dirty. If only I had the courage to pluck out my eyes and pierce my eardrums with a knitting needle.

This is perhaps the most consequential essay I have ever written, if you value your sanity and spirituality I beseech you, for God`s sake don`t watch this abomination.

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Candice Bergen’s Disastrous Date With Donald Trump

“Candice Bergen recalled the dud of a date she went on with future President Donald Trump back in college, and admitted his dedication to color coordination just didn`t do it for her.
`He did (pick me up). He was wearing a three-piece burgundy suit and burgundy patent leather loafers and a burgundy limousine,` she said Wednesday on `Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen.` `There was no physical contact whatsoever.`
The 71-year-old `Murphy Brown` actress, who was 18 and attending the University of Pennsylvania at the time, admitted that while Trump was a good-looking guy, he was also a douche.”
The New York Daily News
Candice Bergen survived her traumatic date with Donald Trump, and went on to become a top fashion model and an award-winning actress.
If Bergen is anything at all like the sharp-tongued and hard as nails Murphy Brown (her most famous role), I`m not surprised that she dismissed The Donald after only one date.
Thank goodness Trump seems to have gotten over his fetish for color coordination, if he wore an orange suit and orange loafers to coordinate with his orange face he would look like a clown.
Bergen reminisced about her date from hell with Trump while sporting a “Free Melania” sweater. Wearing a sweater with a slogan is a fashion faux pas that no fashion model should ever make, but I agree with the sentiments.
Bergen`s date with Trump left her with the impression that he was a douche, fortunately we don`t need to date him, or even have a couple of beers with him to deduce that he`s a douche, a clown, and a racist.
Bergen`s date with Trump lasted only a couple of hours, and Trump`s term in office shouldn`t last more than a couple of years, we should impeach the douche.

Read More:
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/candice-bergen-recalls-college-date-donald-trump-article-1.3495666

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Video of Chainsaw-Wielding Nun, Sister Margaret Ann, Becomes Symbol of Irma Recovery

“The cleanup after Hurricane Irma is a massive undertaking, after the destructive storm hit Florida and neighboring states over the weekend. In Miami, a nun chipped in to clear trees in her neighborhood – and no one, it seems, can resist a story about a chainsaw-wielding nun.

Sister Margaret Ann was spotted at work by an off-duty officer of the Miami-Dade Police Department, which posted video and images from the scene in the community of Kendall West Tuesday.

The department calls the sister`s work another sign that Miami`s community will work together to repair what Irma broke, writing on its Facebook page, “Thank you Sister and all of our neighbors that are working together to get through this!”

NPR

I was raised Catholic, and as a child I attended catechism classes, the memory of ruler-brandishing nuns terrorizing their young charges is indelibly etched in my mind.

Had I seen a chainsaw-wielding nun as a child I would have required lifelong therapy.

I imagine sisters as sadistic creatures who indulge in meaningless religious rituals like clutching rosary beads and lighting votive candles.

But Sister Margaret Ann breaks all the stereotypes, she`s a no-nonsense principal of Archbishop Coleman F. Carroll High School, and she`s loved and respected by the students.

When the shi* hit the fan and Hurricane Irma wreaked devastation in her neighborhood, the good sister didn`t retreat to her prayer closet and recite a hundred Hail Marys.

Homegirl grabbed a chainsaw and cleared the trees in her neighborhood. The video of the nun dressed in her habit, using a chainsaw to cut downed trees into smaller parts so they could be removed from roadways after Hurricane Irma swept through the area has gone viral.

An image of a butt-naked Kim Kardashian failed to break the Internet, but the video of Sister Margaret Ann serving God and her community by clearing trees has gone viral.

Perhaps there`s hope for humankind after all.

Link to video:

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/09/13/550629622/nun-with-a-chainsaw-becomes-symbol-of-post-irma-cleanup-she-rocks

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Ted Cruz Loves Porn, I Mean Homeboy Really Loves His Porn

“Sen. Ted Cruz woke up Tuesday to find his name trending on Twitter – linked overnight to a certain video from the Milf Hunter series, perhaps unfairly, perhaps irrevocably.

The clip itself is just over two minutes, details of its contents mostly unprintable. It features a sectional sofa, the pornographic actress Cory Chase, her fictitious nude stepdaughter, and a very energetic young man.

But around midnight Eastern time, someone signed into the senator`s official Twitter account and clicked a little heart below the video – and thus did @tedcruz `like` porn.

By late morning, reporters were waiting outside the U.S. Capitol to question the flesh-and-blood Cruz about his online alias`s handiwork, which he disavowed.

`It was a staffing issue and it was inadvertent,` the senator said. `it was a mistake.`”

The Washington Post

Instead of manning up the “family values” politician threw a staffer under the bus. Cruz didn`t want to ruin his reputation of being a pro family values Christian.

How much of a prig is the junior senator from Texas?

When Cruz was the solicitor general of Texas he defended a Texas state law banning the sale of sex toys, arguing in a 2007 court brief that individuals have no legal right to use them, even in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

Like most moralistic politicians Cruz believes that the Federal government shouldn`t interfere in an individual`s personal life, except when it comes to sex.

The Texas law was unconstitutional and anti-women, since almost all sex toys are made for the enjoyment of women. Cruz couldn`t abide the thought that a woman could reach ecstasy without the help of a man.

Let`s stipulate that it wasn`t a staffer but Cruz himself who liked the porn clip. Since everybody hates Cruz, even his own family, (there are several videos on YouTube depicting his daughters turning away in disgust when he was trying to kiss them), I`m sure everybody will agree with my conclusion.

The pertinent question is why would Cruz like a porn video on his Twitter account knowing full well that the press would demand an explanation.

This is the likely scenario:

In the witching hour Cruz recites his nightly prayers, and then as is his custom, surfs the Internet for porn.

He finds the perfect video for his enjoyment: A buxom young lady comes home and finds her nude stepdaughter having sexual intercourse with a young man, and naturally secretly watches the action while masturbating.

In the throes of climax Cruz likes the video, the experience is so intense that he forgets that he liked the video, and doesn`t delete it until a few hours later.

Forgive me dear readers if you are throwing up at this point, but I am only fulfilling my journalistic duty by reporting the truth (as I see it).

While you are writing me a nasty email for leaving you with a scene that you will not soon forget, I will take a much needed shower.

Read More:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2017/09/12/after-tedcruz-liked-a-porn-tweet-sen-ted-cruz-blamed-a-staffing-issue/?utm_term=.272bae3228a9

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Donald Trump Jr. Owns Michael Moore! He Cuts the Fat Loudmouth Down to Size!

“As the rest of the nation prayed and waited to see what the storm would do just after Hurricane Harvey slammed Texas, dumping 33 trillion gallons of rain onto the U.S., and causing massive floods that killed 70 people, left wing activist Michael Moore and others decided to play politics. On Twitter, Moore asked if Mar-a-Lago, President Trump`s resort would be opened as a shelter for Irma victims.”

Townhall.Com

The liberal firebrand tweeted: Has he opened up Mar-a-Lago yet?

Donald Trump Jr. responded:

It`s on an island on both the ocean & intercostal and in a mandatory evacuation zone… probably not the best idea, but you know, narrative.

Let me preface my remarks by stating that Junior is as reprehensible as his old man, he proves the adage that the turd doesn`t fall far from the ass.

During Trump`s nascent presidential campaign, most people said “Trump may be a buffoon, a racist and an egomaniac, but at least he raised his children to be respected members of society.” The behavior of Trump`s children, especially his sons, during the campaign and during Trump`s first few months in office has demonstrated that they are as profane and vile as their father.

But credit must be given where credit is due, Junior absolutely eviscerated that fat piece of crap with his reply.

Joel Osteen was ripped apart on social media when he refused to open his megachurch to the survivors of Hurricane Harvey, and Moore thought he would Osteen Donald Trump. But Junior cut that fat loudmouth down to size.

Read More:

https://townhall.com/tipsheet/mattvespa/2017/09/11/donald-trump-jr-takes-michael-moore-to-the-woodshed-over-this-remark-during-irma-n2379677

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Miss Texas Margana Wood Condemned White Supremacy Better Than Donald Trump Ever Has

At the Miss America pageant Houston`s 22-year-old Margana Wood was asked about the president`s response to the recent White Supremacist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia.
People editor Jess Cagle inquired: The president said there was shared blame with very fine people on both sides. Were there? Tell me yes or no and explain.
The Texas beauty responded: I think that the white supremacist issue … it was very obvious that it was a terrorist attack. I think that President Donald Trump should have made a statement earlier addressing that fact and making sure all Americans feel safe in this country. That is the number one issue right now.

Beauty pageant contestants are infamous for their vacuous answers to simple questions. Miss Teen South Carolina 2007, Caitlin Upton, went viral for her incomprehensible answer to the question:

“Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can`t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Link to video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZD7Pz_b-eo

 When a beauty pageant contestant is asked a question, regardless of the topic, she will usually allude to World Peace, and mention how much she loves puppies and butterflies.
But Wood, with only a few seconds to formulate her answer, gave a clear and concise answer to the question that President Donald Trump totally botched. Wood didn`t need a TelePrompTer and a team of advisers to condemn white supremacy in no uncertain terms.
We should impeach the 71-year-old buffoon Donald Trump and replace him with the 22-year-old beauty Margana Wood.

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Should You Let Your Dog Lick You?

“Dogs lick us because they love us, but should we love their kisses?

There are more than 700 different types of bacteria in a dog`s mouth – and that`s just normal bacteria (it doesn`t count the rotting ham sandwich Fido found on his morning walk). So, that saying about a dog`s mouth being clean is rubbish.

Veterinarians Will Draper and Francoise Tyler, Web MD contributors from The Village Vets practices in Atlanta, Ga., say there are two reasons to be concerned: One, if a dog licks someone who has a weak immune system (like those with cancer) or two, if the dog has a medical condition that could spread.

There`s also a more obvious reason you might not want a smooch from your pooch, and that is: They put a lot of nasty stuff in their mouth.

USA TODAY

There`s nothing more heartwarming than watching a puppy lick a child, or a grown man kiss his pooch.

But in a society where every product has a warning label, some germaphobes are warning dog lovers that exchanging smooches with Fido is unsanitary and potentially dangerous.

I realize that unlike cats dogs don`t have a cleanliness fetish, they will greedily eat any rotting piece of meat they find during their daily walk, and they have a penchant for licking their nether regions.

But when my dog licks me when I come home from work, his demonstrative affection for me overwhelms any concerns I may have about what else he may have been licking.

When a man kisses a prostitute the last thing on his mind is what other creep she has been kissing, a dog owner`s love for his pet is stronger than the lust that a John has for a prostitute.

I don`t care if my pooch, Mandy, has 700 different types of bacteria in her mouth, a kiss from her is a tonic that fortifies me from life`s trials and tribulations.

Life is too short: Kiss your pooch!

Read More:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/08/22/exactly-how-gross-dog-kisses/522133001/

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Donald Trump’s Creepy Relationship With Ivanka

“Donald Trump was branded nauseating and creepy after he referred to his daughter Ivanka as honey during a speech in North Dakota.

The U.S. president was delivering a speech at a tax reform event when he invited his daughter up on stage, calling her `honey` as he told how she was desperate to visit the U.S. state alongside him on Wednesday.

He told crowds he liked of the way Ivanka called him `daddy` when the 35-year-old businesswoman asked to join him for the trip.”

Inviting his daughter up on stage, Mr. Trump said: “Sometimes they`ll say he can`t be that bad of a guy – look at Ivanka. Come on up, honey. She`s so good.

MSN

Donald Trump has always enjoyed an intimate, some would say perverted, relationship with his daughter Ivanka.

We can`t forget, regardless how hard we try, the creepy September 2016 photograph depicting a 15-year-old Ivanka grinding on the lap of her father during a Beach Boys concert.

During a TV interview on The View in 2006 Donald Trump said: If Ivanka weren`t my daughter, perhaps I`d be dating her.

During the 2016 presidential campaign Trump demonstrated a tendency to let his tiny hand slip to his daughter`s backside while introducing her on stage.

Trump`s inordinate affection for his daughter hasn`t dimmed, as his behavior toward her during a recent speech in North Dakota proved.

America is nauseated by everything that Trump says or does, but especially by his creepy relationship with Ivanka.

So The Donald likes being called “Daddy?” I hope Mr. T pimps slaps the Orange Buffoon, and asks him “Who`s your daddy?” until he cries out “You`re my daddy.”

Read More:

http://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/world/come-up-honey-donald-trump-slammed-over-comments-to-daughter-ivanka/ar-AArunG6

Link to video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kpgj88gSkA

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Hodge the Famous Bookstore Cat

It`s tradition for independent book stores to employ a cat as a mascot, enter the search term “bookstore cat” on YouTube and you will get dozens of hits.

Hodge the Bookstore Cat`s domain is a used-book and sheet-music emporium on the South side of Chicago. He`s an institution in the Windy City, and two works of fiction have been inspired by his glorious career, “The Secret Life of Hodge, the Bookstore Cat” and “Hodge Sings Again.”

Unfortunately, the bookstore where Hodge works has shut its doors due to declining sales, but his celebrity hasn`t waned. Hodge is featured in the new book “Bookstore Cats,” and his videos still go viral.

We can learn two things from Hodge`s story:

Within a generation bookstores, especially independent bookstores, will be as difficult to find as a Blockbuster video store. Digital media is rendering bookstores, and even libraries, obsolete.

The popularity of cats will never diminish, when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives we will be clutching a shotgun with one hand to fend off zombies, and holding our beloved cat with the other.

Link to Hodge the Cat video:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/pets/ct-life-famous-cat-loses-job-0917-story.html

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Vladimir Putin: Donald Trump is Not My Bride

“Russian President Vladimir Putin dismissed a question about U.S. President Donald Trump at a news conference Tuesday, refusing to comment on U.S. political affairs and distancing himself from the American leader.

Trump is “not my bride, and, likewise, I am neither his bride nor bridegroom. We are statesmen,” Putin told reporters, according to a translation by Reuters.”

Huffington Post

Donald Trump`s bromance with Vladimir Putin has lasted twice as long as the average Kardashian relationship, and if those two lovebirds ever consummate their romance, and if a video of their unholy tryst emerges it would break, nay shatter the Internet.

But it appears that Putin is having second thoughts about their love affair, the Russian president insisted that Trump is not his bride.

Putin was engaging in diplomatic speak, this is what he was really saying: Oh hell to the no, Trump ain`t my main squeeze, he`s just a side bitch. He`ll be lucky if I give him an industrial size jar of Vaseline as a parting gift.

Trump`s ardor however hasn`t waned, he`s still madly in love with the man who won him the election.

If Putin wants to get rid of his fatal attraction, he should gift Trump a couple of Russian prostitutes whose specialty is Golden Showers.

Read More:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/vladimir-putin-donald-trump-not-my-bride_us_59af08c7e4b0dfaafcf36e36

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Tyler Perry and Joel Osteen Deserve to Spend Eternity Together in Hell

“Atlanta film and television mogul Tyler Perry is the focus of a new Care2 petition is asking him not follow through with a plan to donate $250,000 to Houston megachurch pastor Joel Osteen to help with hurricane relief efforts.

Osteen was widely criticized on social media for being slow to open the doors of the 16,000-seat Lakewood Church to victims seeking shelter from Hurricane Harvey flooding. Perry, who considers Joel and Victoria Osteen friends, has said he will donate $1 million to relief efforts, a quarter of which will go to Osteen`s ministry to help buy supplies and other relief efforts.

The petition has gathered more than 6,800 signatures.”

AJC.Com

Tyler Perry is an actor, comedian, filmmaker, writer, songwriter, and a born-again Christian. Perry`s signature character is Madea, a tough elderly black woman played in drag by Perry himself.

Christians who would run to the opposite side of the road to avoid interacting with a real transgender woman can`t get enough of the Madea movies.

Tyler`s movies are very popular with mainstream audiences, but they are reviled by most African American artists. Spike Lee dismisses Perry`s work as “coonery buffoonery.”

Joel Osteen is a Prosperity Gospel televangelist who has made a fortune taking advantage of the elderly and the easily deceived.

It`s not surprising that a billionaire actor and director with no discernable talent would become fast friends with a multimillionaire televangelist with no discernable spiritual gifts. Birds of a feather …

The $250,000 that Perry donated to Osteen to help with hurricane relief efforts should be enough for the Osteens` yearly supply of Botox.

If there`s a God in heaven, these booty buddies will burn forever in hell.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

 

Donald Trump’s Dreadful DACA Decision

Today Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that Donald Trump (who was too cowardly to make the announcement himself) has ended the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program which gives work permits to undocumented immigrants who were brought to the United States a children, along with protection from possible deportation.

DACA won`t be rescinded for six months, ostensibly to give Congress enough time to write legislation to save the dreamers. But the racist Trump knows damn well that such a bill will never pass through the House of Representatives that`s controlled by hardline Republicans.

Trump`s racist, cowardly and evil action has been roundly condemned from all quarters

There have been a million and one tweets condemning Trump`s DACA decision, but I want to highlight this one:

“It`s incredible to me that you`ll pardon a man who is known for running his prison as a Latino concentration camp and call him a patriot, but then deport kids with a dream to be successful citizens with safe lives. You disgust me.”

Tweet from Fifth Harmony`s Lauren Jauregui

I couldn`t agree more with Jauregui`s tweet, Trump has proven with his words and his actions that he hates Mexicans and Mexican-Americans. He disgusts me.

Trump claims that he wants to build a wall to protect Americans from Mexican rapists and criminals, but the DACA young adults are college graduates, entrepreneurs, and hardworking citizens who are making the communities they live in a better place.

Trump is physically, intellectually and spiritually disgusting; I disagree with his political ideology but my reaction to him is primal and visceral: I want to tear out his heart and smash it before his dying eyes.

Trump you disgust me, and this Latino blogger will continue to write editorials exposing your racism, buffoonery and sheer incompetence until you are removed from office, one way or another.

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How Do We Cope With the Obscenity Known as Donald Trump?

“When Tina Fey introduced `sheet-caking` to the world, she spoke a truth that many of us have been reluctant to admit. In her most recent `Saturday Night Live` skit, Fey gorges on sheet cake while discussing the malevolent resurgence of Nazism in America, President Donald Trump`s own disturbing attitude toward right-wing extremism and the cowardice exhibited by Republicans like House Speaker Paul Ryan. By the time `Weekend Update` co-host Michael Che decides to join her in shoveling cake into his own mouth, anyone with a soul can understand why.

Like Fey, many very fine people across the land have turned to their junk food vices for comfort since the election of Trump. The DoorDash food delivery service saw a 90 percent increase in orders from liquor stores, a 79 percent increase in cupcake orders and a 50 percent increase in orders from wine bars on Election Day and the days after, MarketWatch reported.”

Salon.com

When I go to sleep I pray that I will awaken in an alternate universe, where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton lost the election, and President Bernie Sanders` steady hand is at the helm presiding over a nation making strides toward a more perfect union.

But when I wake up and turn on CNN, cold reality hits me in the face when I hear about Trump`s latest idiotic tweet.

According to the multiverse theory of physics there`s an infinite number of universes, and we are cursed to live in the universe where Donald Trump is the President of the United States.

How do we cope with this horrendous truth? I`m not down with gorging on sheet-cake, unless there`s also a giant stash of weed next to the damn cake.

I can understand citizens turning to sheet-cake, weed, cocaine, alcohol or permissive sex to cope with the abomination known as Donald Trump.

But on a serious level, we must be sober-minded to fight Donald Trump until he`s impeached, forced to resign or removed from office via the 25th amendment.

We can`t get rid of Trump by hacking the Matrix, or relying on prayer alone, we must write editorials, march in protest, and write letters to our senators and congressmen and congresswomen until we rid ourselves of this obscenity.

Read More:

http://www.salon.com/2017/09/03/i-stuff-my-mouth-to-cope-with-donald-trump/

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Let’s Pray Joel Osteen Won’t Survive Hurricane Harvey Scandal

Joel Osteen was back behind the podium on Sunday after belatedly opening his megachurch to the survivors of the Hurricane Harvey flooding.
His sermonette/motivational speech/Prosperity Gospel message usually lasts 30 minutes, but the unrelenting backlash that`s been heaped on him on social media must have quenched his spirit, the plastic smile was still omnipresent but he managed to deliver only a six-minute speech.
Osteen`s Sunday service at Lakewood Church, attracted only a couple of thousand true believers, down from the usual crowd of 16,000. I`m an optimist, and I believe that it`s not only the chaos caused by the flooding but also disgust at Osteen`s un-Christian spirit that depressed the turnout.
For the umpteenth time since Osteen shut the doors of his church to the desperate Harvey survivors he attempted to justify himself. He even compared himself to the Biblical David, citing Psalms 35: I am attacked by people I don`t even know. “David, I feel your pain, and you didn`t have social media, David.”
Osteen has proved by his failure to minister to the people of Houston that he`s not a Christian, and truth be told he`s no David either. Osteen can best be compared to the heathen Goliath, he is the head of an evangelical empire that rakes in millions every week by deceiving the foolish and the desperate.
We can only hope and pray that Osteen won`t survive this scandal, and that he will never again attract crowds of 16,000.

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September is ‘Happy Cat Month’

September is “Happy Cat Month,” never mind that there`s already an “International Cat Day” and a “National Kitten Day.”

So how can we make our feline friends happy?

BECOME A HOARDER

If your house is spotless and spic-and-span, you are making your pets neurotic. Cats thrive in chaos and clutter and they prefer junk all over the place so that they can roam across their house unobserved.

Kitties love boxes, never throw away a box, a house strewn with boxes makes for a very happy cat.

If you become a hoarder you will become a pariah to your neighbors, but you will provide your cats with a cat-friendly environment and earn their gratitude.

KEEP LITTER BOXES CLEAN

Cats may love a messy house, but they demand that their litter boxes be kept clean. As soon as your tabby uses his litter box, scoop his feces and flush it down the toilet. A litter box that smells like a heavenly breeze makes for a content kitty.

ALWAYS HAVE FOOD AVAILABLE

Cats like to nibble all day and all night long, and they are finicky as the devil. Place at least a dozen bowls of dry and cat food of various varieties in every room of your house.

GET RID OF YOUR DOG

Cats and dogs are arch enemies, and peaceful coexistence is a myth, your cat won`t be happy until you banish your pooch to his doghouse.

DITCH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

Cats are notoriously jealous and they will seethe with anger if they observe you lavishing attention on anybody but them.

ALLOW YOUR CAT TO USE YOUR BODY AS A PILLOW, SCRATCHING POST AND GARBAGE CAN

Your cat will sleep on your head, knead your stomach until it bleeds, and cough up a fur ball on your lap. Don`t complain if you want your cat to be happy.

In other words, if you really want your cat to be always happy, be prepared to be as miserable as the devil.

Just love your kitty, and even if don`t do all of the aforementioned things he will still love you.

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Perfect Gift for Cat Lady in Your Life: Anatomically Correct Plush Cat Purse

Do you have a sister, aunt or friend who`s a cat lady, and you don`t know what to get her for her birthday because she already owns every cat-themed accessory in the world?

We all know such old maids, and it`s difficult buying them presents, because they are as finicky and hard to please as their feline significant others.

I know a cat lady who has dozens of cat magnets on her fridge, cat-themed kitchen towels, and really cute cat dish bowls – wait a second, that`s me. Anyway I have the perfect gift for the cat lady in your life: A darling plush cat purse.

These adorable plush cat purses will make your cat lady friend purr like she`s high on weed or catnip.

These purses look just like a cat, they even have balls, and believe me that`s as close to balls as the typical cat lady will ever be.

They are available on Amazon in three varieties: a Calico-inspired tote, a Russian Blue and a gray kitty. There`s one for every type of cat lover.

Only $12.99! Get one today!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073WRPH55/ref=as_li_ss_tl?th=1&linkCode=sl1&tag=marisadd-20&linkId=00d8aac29834cad2c5ac3f65e05282b0

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Joel Osteen: Poster Boy for the Evil that Lurks in the Human Heart

“Pastor Joel Osteen has gone viral in all the wrong ways.

The Houston megachurch leader has seen his name trend repeatedly in the days since Hurricane Harvey brought floods to the city, in large part because his 16,500-seat Lakewood Church wasn`t open to those seeking shelter.
Osteen insisted there were `safety issues` caused by the flooding, but he also said it was because the church was never asked by the city to become a shelter.
`If they would have asked us to become a shelter early on, we would have prepared for it,` he told NBC`s `Today` on Wednesday.”
Huffington Post
Prior to Hurricane Harvey televangelist Joel Osteen wasn`t really in the national consciousness, he was just a nano second of brilliant teeth as we channel surfed, but now he`s become the poster boy for the evil that lurks in the human heart.
Pastor Joel Osteen has gone viral in the worst way, he (deservedly) has elicited more venom on social media than Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump.
As a frequent critic of televangelism I`ve been aware for decades of how Osteen fleeces God`s flock by peddling his heretical Prosperity Gospel, but now the entire world knows the frightful extent of his wickedness.
While mosques, hotels, department stores and other public buildings were opening their doors to the victims of Hurricane Harvey, without being asked, the door of Osteen`s church remained closed.
It`s a blessing that Osteen`s anti-Christian nature has been exposed; I can only pray that his evangelical empire, that has been built on the backs of the elderly and the foolish, will crumble.
Click this link for the most popular Osteen memes:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/joel-osteen-memes-houston_us_59a902f8e4b0354e44093d3b

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Donald Trump Can’t Tell Difference Between Two Female Reporters

“Donald Trump managed to mix up two female reporters at a press conference on Monday, forcing the Finnish president Sauli Niinisto to explain that the women were not actually the same person.

As the leaders took questions from the press pool, Mr Niinisto called on a reporter.

`Again?` Mr Trump asked the Finnish president, mistakenly believing he had called on a reporter who had already asked a question. `You`re going to give her the same one?`

`No, she is not the same lady,` Mr Niinisto replied, to the amusement of the two journalists.”

Independent

There are three possible explanations for Trump`s embarrassing gaffe:

Trump`s hatred of media

The president hates the media with a passion, he thinks the press has a vendetta against him. He sees the press as a single entity, he doesn`t see reporters as individual human beings just doing their job. It`s not surprising he couldn`t distinguish one reporter from another.

Trump`s sexism

Both reporters were young, blond and attractive, in Trump`s eyes they were just blond bimbos, indistinguishable from one another.

If Trump visits a brothel on a monthly basis, and if he is serviced by blond prostitutes who look nothing like each other on each visit, he would probably complain: You have a bunch of girls in this here fine establishment, why do I always get the same broad?

Trump`s dementia

The septuagenarian probably can`t tell his adult diapers from his KKK cap, who can blame him if all the reporters look the same to him?

The only reporters that Trump remembers are the ones who compliment him, and all those sycophant morons work for Fox News.

Pic of reporters:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-finland-president-two-blonde-reporters-same-person-white-house-press-conference-a7917626.html

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In a Perfect World Donald Trump Would be Impeached and Hillary Clinton Would be Run Over by a Mack Truck

Every time Hillary Clinton opens her mouth she reminds us that as bad as things are under Donald Trump, and make no mistake about it our country is going straight to hell, things would have been even worse with Hillary at the helm.

Trump may be a buffoon, a narcissist and a racist, but at least he`s sometimes funny — there isn`t a funny bone in Hillary`s body.

In her forthcoming memoir “What Happened,” Hillary writes that when Donald Trump wandered up behind her during the second debate, in St. Louis, she thought, “This is not OK. . . . Two days before, the world heard him brag about groping women. Now we were on a small stage and no matter where I walked, he followed me closely, staring at me, making faces.”

There isn`t a snowball`s chance in hell that the lecherous Trump would have touched the frigid old hag with a ten-foot pole, and we all know that the short-fingered vulgarian doesn`t have a ten-foot pole.

Clinton continues with her self-serving narrative “It was incredibly uncomfortable. He was literally breathing down my neck. My skin crawled. It was one of those moments where you wish you could hit pause and ask everyone watching, well, what would you do? Do you stay calm, keep smiling and carry on as if he weren`t repeatedly invading your space? Or do you turn, look him in the eye and say loudly and clearly, `Back up you creep, get away from me. I know you love to intimidate women but you can`t intimidate me, so back up.`”

Bitch please! You didn`t lose because the sexist Trump was trying to intimidate you, you lost because you are the most self-loathing and socially-awkward butch lesbian in the world.

Let me digress and explain that I`ve been publicly advocating for gay and lesbian rights for twenty years. I love me some lesbians, it`s humorless lesbians who are too cowardly to come out of the closet that I can`t stand.

When Trump got too close for comfort she should have let loose with one of her patented toxic farts, believe me Trump would have scampered away.

What a horrible world we live in, I wish Trump was impeached and I wish Hillary was run over by a Mack truck.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes