Cat Ladies are the Last Hope of Humanity!

In days gone by young women lived in fear that they would die a spinster or old maid. Their version of happiness and fulfillment was spawning a brood of bouncing baby boys and adorable baby girls.

In the age of climate change, overpopulation, and not to mention feminism, women don`t judge their self-worth by how many children they have. Children are viewed as an infection, rather than as a blessing from God, by a growing number of enlightened individuals.

Today women fear that they will become cat ladies, “OMG I`m going to be a cat lady” a woman wails when she`s 30-something and still single. Cat ladies – who are just single older ladies with felines — represent abject failure in the eyes of young women.

But cat ladies shouldn`t be looked down upon with disdain or sympathy, they deserve our respect for realizing that a small fluffy kitten will give them more comfort, companionship and fulfillment than any man or woman ever could.

They also deserve our gratitude for not giving birth to greedy insatiable little monsters who pollute the Earth and kill off thousands of other species of living creatures.

Indeed I would urge all women and men to save the Earth, and forgo having any children, and adopt a kitten or a puppy from an animal shelter instead.

God save cat ladies, they are the hope of humankind!

Crazy Cat Lady Rescuing Her Kitty Gets Stuck in Tree

“A woman in North Highlands got stuck in a tree Thursday and had to be rescued by Sacramento Metro Fire personnel after trying to rescue a cat, according to a tweet from Metro Fire.”

Sacramento Bee

Firefighters rescue a cat stuck in a tree: not news it happens all the time.

Cops bash a young black man upside the head for jaywalking: not news it happens all the time.

Firefighters rescue a crazy cat lady who got stuck in a 30-foot tree trying to rescue her kitty: now we`re talking.

I love Tico, my 25-pound, kitty, and if fatso got stuck in a 5-foot tree (that`s probably as high as he could climb), I wouldn`t risk injury trying to save him. I`m an old codger and my bones are brittle, I`d break a bone if I fell off a step stool.

I bet the woman felt like the biggest fool in the world when she had to be rescued by first responders, especially after the feline descended the tree on its own.

Read more here: https://www.sacbee.com/news/local/article222150020.html#storylink=cpy

Cat Lady Needs to Get a Clue!

“DEAR JOAN: My cat has started waking me up at 4 a.m. every morning to be fed. She won`t take no for an answer. She walks all over me, swats my nose, meows in my ear and knocks things off my dresser if I don`t respond.

If I try locking her out of my room, she scratches at the door and howls. She won`t stop. She once continued with that behavior for two hours until I finally gave up and fed her.

What can be done to stop this? I love my cat, but 4 in the morning, especially on a weekend, is too much.”

G.G., Concord

The Mercury News

Dear Clueless Cat Lady: Get a clue!

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a biological imperative to risk getting run over to discover that was on the other side.

Why is your kitty waking you up at an ungodly hour in the morning to be fed? It`s not because she is a diabetic with cravings that must be sated, like all cats she`s a jerk, plain and simple. I love my cats to death, but I accept that jerk-life behavior is as normal as purring and meowing.

What can be done to stop this? Nothing! Absolutely Nothing! A cat is the master of any home, especially a home where the only occupant is a cat lady. A feline expects nothing less than to be catered to at any hour of the day or night.

Your cat literally walks all over you, get used to it, that`s a small price to pay for having a kitty in your home.

Read More:

https://www.mercurynews.com/2018/09/04/why-does-my-cat-wake-me-up-at-4-a-m-demanding-to-be-fed/

September is ‘Happy Cat Month’

September is “Happy Cat Month,” never mind that there`s already an “International Cat Day” and a “National Kitten Day.”

So how can we make our feline friends happy?

BECOME A HOARDER

If your house is spotless and spic-and-span, you are making your pets neurotic. Cats thrive in chaos and clutter and they prefer junk all over the place so that they can roam across their house unobserved.

Kitties love boxes, never throw away a box, a house strewn with boxes makes for a very happy cat.

If you become a hoarder you will become a pariah to your neighbors, but you will provide your cats with a cat-friendly environment and earn their gratitude.

KEEP LITTER BOXES CLEAN

Cats may love a messy house, but they demand that their litter boxes be kept clean. As soon as your tabby uses his litter box, scoop his feces and flush it down the toilet. A litter box that smells like a heavenly breeze makes for a content kitty.

ALWAYS HAVE FOOD AVAILABLE

Cats like to nibble all day and all night long, and they are finicky as the devil. Place at least a dozen bowls of dry and cat food of various varieties in every room of your house.

GET RID OF YOUR DOG

Cats and dogs are arch enemies, and peaceful coexistence is a myth, your cat won`t be happy until you banish your pooch to his doghouse.

DITCH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

Cats are notoriously jealous and they will seethe with anger if they observe you lavishing attention on anybody but them.

ALLOW YOUR CAT TO USE YOUR BODY AS A PILLOW, SCRATCHING POST AND GARBAGE CAN

Your cat will sleep on your head, knead your stomach until it bleeds, and cough up a fur ball on your lap. Don`t complain if you want your cat to be happy.

In other words, if you really want your cat to be always happy, be prepared to be as miserable as the devil.

Just love your kitty, and even if don`t do all of the aforementioned things he will still love you.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

 

Perfect Gift for Cat Lady in Your Life: Anatomically Correct Plush Cat Purse

Do you have a sister, aunt or friend who`s a cat lady, and you don`t know what to get her for her birthday because she already owns every cat-themed accessory in the world?

We all know such old maids, and it`s difficult buying them presents, because they are as finicky and hard to please as their feline significant others.

I know a cat lady who has dozens of cat magnets on her fridge, cat-themed kitchen towels, and really cute cat dish bowls – wait a second, that`s me. Anyway I have the perfect gift for the cat lady in your life: A darling plush cat purse.

These adorable plush cat purses will make your cat lady friend purr like she`s high on weed or catnip.

These purses look just like a cat, they even have balls, and believe me that`s as close to balls as the typical cat lady will ever be.

They are available on Amazon in three varieties: a Calico-inspired tote, a Russian Blue and a gray kitty. There`s one for every type of cat lover.

Only $12.99! Get one today!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073WRPH55/ref=as_li_ss_tl?th=1&linkCode=sl1&tag=marisadd-20&linkId=00d8aac29834cad2c5ac3f65e05282b0

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes