Month: July 2026

Dementia Don Has Lost Ability to Read an Audience

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Donald Trump is widely criticized as incompetent, temperamental, vindictive, inconsistent, uninformed, and corrupt. In short, he is a buffoon who gives off a malodorous stench of sulfur and excrement.

However, the former reality-show host has a talent for self-promotion and a keen ability to read an audience. His skill at grifting has helped make him a multibillionaire, while his instinct for appealing to crowds has won him millions of devoted followers.

However, dementia has steadily eroded his ability to read an audience. In his prime, he instinctively knew how to appeal to his most fervent supporters, using provocative rhetoric and memorable catchphrases that resonated with his racist and homophobic base.

But his crowds are no longer enthralled by his rants, they scroll on their cellphones, chew tobacco and flirt with their cousins while he rambles incoherently.

It was bad enough when he had no control of his bowel movements, but now he has little control of his speech. Once he launches into his rambling “weave” style of speaking, he becomes so incoherent that he loses his thread entirely, leaving his audience dazed and confused.

The only place where Dementia Don should speak is at a rest home or an asylum.

Boomers: Text, Don’t Leave a Damn Voicemail

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I am tempted to disable voicemail on my smartphone; I feel nauseated whenever my phone alerts me to a new message.

I cannot remember the last time voicemail brought good news; it is usually a scam, a collection agency, a wrong number, or a clueless boomer leaving a message that should have been a text.

Boomers may not have many days left, but they act as if they have all the time in the world, patiently waiting for the beep before leaving a long, confusing message.

Boomers mistakenly believe a ringing phone must be answered immediately, but younger generations feel no such obligation and will let it go to voicemail, especially if Nana or crazy Aunt Mary is calling.

Boomers, for the love of God stop leaving voice mail messages. Every time you leave a voice message, they google for an inexpensive nursing home in your area.

Break the habit and send a text instead.

Evangelical Influencer Preaches to Captive Audience on a Plane

There is nothing more insidious than an online influencer, and there is nothing cringier than an evangelical influencer. You think snakes on a plane is terrifying, imagine being stuck on a plane with an evangelical influencer.

Presley Mae Foster, a faith-based content creator, posted a video that drew more than three million views. In it, she delivered a sermonette, subjecting captive passengers to her fundamentalist version of Christianity.

I would rather be stuck on an airplane with a bevy load of sumo wrestlers suffering from explosive diarrhea than being trapped with just one MAGA evangelical with diarrhea of the mouth.

Imagine the plight of the hapless passengers: their plane is delayed on the tarmac, they are probably wondering what else could go wrong, and then this influencer starts discussing her faith with everyone onboard. It is like, bitch read the room, nobody wants to hear your shit. I would rather hear a wretched soul afflicted with Fournier’s gangrene, a rapidly spreading necrotizing infection of the perineum and genitalia, discuss his prognosis.

Foster said she felt the Holy Spirit urging her to share her faith. But the first rule of airplane etiquette is simple: if the Holy Ghost, Casper the Friendly Ghost, or any other spirit tells you to stand in the aisle and preach—or hold forth on any subject—don’t. Call Ghostbusters and have those mischievous ghosts removed.

Get Your Poop on with ‘Let Loose’ ‘Sh*t Shoes’

Critics condemn my blog for its frequent use of epithets and vulgar metaphors, claiming it has gone to shit.

This essay about “shit shoes” will certainly provide them with ammunition to blast my colorful opinion pieces.

Gut health brand Let Loose is selling “Shit Shoes,” 7-inch-tall, 1970s-style platform shoes designed to improve posture during bowel movements. The shoes straighten the rectum while in use, making stool easier to pass without straining.

I do not normally give a shit about bathroom posture or etiquette, but if this funky footwear helps me avoid straining and getting hemorrhoids, I’m in.

So, if someone hears me blasting “Staying Alive” or “I Will Survive” while in the shitter, do not be alarmed, I am only setting the proper vibe while this platform shoes wearing fool drops a deuce.

If you thought John Travolta looked cool walking in the opening scene of “Saturday Night fever,” wait until you see me strut to the bathroom in my Shit Shoes.

We Need a Charlie Kirk Statue with Hole in Neck

New York sculptor Sergio Furnari seems out of step with the moment: unable to read the room, out of his element, and moving against the current.

This moron spent $100,000 of his own money to build a life-size statue of Charlie Kirk, only to find that no one wants to buy it.

The MAGA artist broke his foot while working on the monstrosity after tripping over a roll of tape in his studio. He should have taken it as a sign that the Almighty disapproved of his tribute to a racist piece of shit.

Furnari imagined the statue of the deceased far-right provocateur would be displayed in Times Square. Instead, he has been inundated with texts and emails from outraged New Yorkers who say they intend to urinate or defecate on the sculpture.

Furnari’s so-called “work of art” may find admirers in the gaudy confines of Mar-a-Lago, the gilded White House, or the pit of hell, but it has no place in New York, America’s multicultural mecca.

I lack the talent and skill to be a sculptor, but I am blessed with imagination, and I believe I could create a Charlie Kirk statue that New Yorkers would embrace.

I would design a water-fountain sculpture of Kirk with water flowing from a hole in his neck. The grotesque piece would stand in the middle of a pool overrun with mosquitoes and algae. Instead of tossing pennies into the pool for good luck, people could toss bullets.

Kirk may have been eulogized as a saint a year ago, but even the most devoted MAGA loyalists now recognize him as divisive and failed internet prankster. Screw Charlie Kirk, screw Furnari, and screw anyone who still admires him.

Watching Bison Fling Colonizer Grandpop in the Air an Orgasmic Experience

In the year 1800, there were an estimated 30 million to 60 million American bison roaming across North America. As European colonizers expanded westward, they slaughtered bison for hides, meat and leather, severely thinning the herds. The American military engaged in a systematic campaign to eradicate bison, and thereby wiping out Native Americans who relied on bison as their primary food source, clothing and livelihood.

The American government was ruthlessly efficient in killing millions of Native Americans and American bison, to the point that by 1900 the population of bison dropped to as few as 24 animals taking refuge in Yellowstone.

Modern wildlife conservation has successfully restored Yellowstone National Park’s bison population to about 5,000.

A descendant of the colonizers was taking photographs of a bison, when the angry animal ran him down and flipped the elderly hillbilly-looking moron 8ft in the air.

The hero bison exacted revenge for the millions of bison and Indians slaughtered by the colonizers.

Few things in recent memory have brought me as much joy as watching the bison launch that trespassing colonizer into the air. The Facebook algorithm understands me better than my family; every other post in my feed is a bison meme. I no longer count sheep to fall asleep—I count flying hillbillies.

E. Jean Carroll Collects $5 Million Damage Award from Trump

Three years after a jury determined that President Donald Trump had to pay $5 million in damages to journalist E. Jean Carroll for abuse and defamation, she has finally been paid.

To be clear, after sexual predator Donald Trump was found guilty of sexual abuse in a civil trial, he refused to accept the verdict and defamed Carroll and was held legally and financially responsible in a subsequent trial.

Trump uses his immense wealth and political power to get away with insurrection, corruption, sexual harassment, fraud and all manner of other crimes, but at least in this case he discovered that nobody is above the law, not even the president of the United States.

Carroll, a frail octogenarian, wasn’t afraid to take the most powerful man in the world to court. “I don’t understand how people can be afraid of a fat elderly man who wears apricot makeup”, she famously quipped.

If only Carroll would inspire Republican politicians to confront Trump’s corruption. Why are they terrified of a silly fat man, with a mouth that looks like an anus, and a neck that looks like a vagina? For the love of God, stand up to the petulant man-child!

Lindsey Graham Dead at 71, Good Riddance

Sen. Lindsey Graham, known for his support of the fascist President Donald Trump and the genocidal state of Israel, died after a “brief and sudden illness,” per his office.

He died suddenly of a heart attack without an opportunity to reflect on his greatest successes and his most agonizing regrets.

I suspect his greatest personal regret was never coming out. In Washington, and far beyond it, everyone knew he was gay. Gaydar was not needed to reach that conclusion; even Edith Bunker would have realized that he sashayed on the gay side of the street.

Although Senator Lindsey Graham was not as openly anti-LGBTQ as Rep. Andy Ogles, who posted an explicitly anti-gay message on social media during Pride Month, Graham’s career was marked by a consistent voting record against LGBTQ rights and protections.

He died without publicly presenting his true self, and he will be remembered as an adversary of the community to which he belonged.

His greatest political mistake was embracing Donald Trump, whom he once condemned in stark terms. In 2016, Graham warned that if Republicans nominated Trump, “we will get destroyed, and we will deserve it.” He also called Trump “a kook” and “a race-baiting, xenophobic religious bigot.”

After Trump’s 2016 victory, Graham reversed course and became ensconced in Trump’s rectum until his death. He will be remembered as a supporter of the incompetent, corrupt, and evil Trump, whom he secretly despised.

His greatest foreign policy mistake was supporting the genocidal state of Israel, the blood of thousands of Palestinians, Lebanese and Iranians is on his hands. Graham put the interests of Israel over those of the USA, and he will be remembered as a heartless monster who was complicit in the genocide of the Palestinian people.

I do not mourn the passing of Graham. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Walking Down Stairs is an Existential Threat for Trump

Climbing stairs may seem more physically demanding than going down them, but descending actually places greater physical, visual, and neurological demands on the brain.

Trump’s cautious movements on stairs have become a recurring symbol of his stumbling administration. Videos have shown him repeatedly climbing—and especially descending—stairs with visible hesitation.

When the morbidly obese octogenarian descends the stairs from Air Force One, he moves slowly and deliberately, eyes fixed on each step. He pauses on a small landing to steady himself before continuing his precarious descent, one tiny hand gripping the bannister the entire way.

It is easy to see why descending stairs seems so daunting for Trump: he must rely on his swollen cankles to support his heavy frame while trusting his bruised and decomposing tiny hand to steady him on the way down.

It would not be surprising if Trump saw his pathetic and miserable life flash before his eyes every time, he walked down stairs.

Trump’s Reading List: Newspapers Articles About Him

President Barack Obama, a former constitutional law professor, regularly publishes widely anticipated reading lists. He established this tradition during his presidency and continues to share curated selections of his favorite books multiple times a year.

Not only presidents but most politicians and other public figures love to share their favorite books to show off their intellectual gravitas.

President Donald Trump, a former reality show star and WWE wrestler, has never published a reading list. If he did my guess is that it would be a carefully curated list of coloring books and comic books.

Recently Trump appeared on a podcast hosted by Second Lady Usha Vance. The show called Storytime with the Second Lady, features casual conversation alongside literary readings.

The Second Lady, taking into consideration her guest’s dementia and functional illiteracy, invited him for an episode featuring children’s books.

During the episode, Vance asked the president whether he had “any time to read for fun these days.”

Trump replied: “I am currently reading Ecclesiastes, a book about the search for meaning in a world that is temporary, unpredictable, and often unfair. And for light reading I consume anything written by Proust.  

This is the buffoon’s real answer:

“So, I end up reading mostly newspapers. I usually read stories about myself.”

Off course the fucking narcissistic morn reads only newspaper articles about himself. God, I can’t wait until the Grim Reaper flushes the steaming pile of human shit down the toilet.

I Can’t Wait Until Death Finally Silences Trump

The D.C Independence Day fireworks show which commenced after Donald Trump delivered his divisive and self-aggrandizing tirade concluded just moments before midnight.

After a day of bombast, braggadocio, and bile, one might have expected the octogenarian president to go straight to bed. But at 1:21 a.m., Trump was still active online doing the devil’s work, sharing a graphic that read:

“Over 273 Americans have been shot since the war in IRAN began … in Chicago.” The racist insomniac attempted to downplay the fatalities from his illegal, immoral, unjustified war in Iran by comparing the war’s death toll to that of the crime rate in a city led by a black Democratic mayor.

The death of one American soldier is too many, in a war of choice that only served the interests of the genocidal state of Israel.

The conflict has also caused thousands of deaths across the Middle East, including 120 schoolgirls targeted by an American Tomahawk missile. We are all God’s children, and the deaths of civilians in Lebanon and Iran are as tragic as the death of any American.

We long for the day when Sleepy Don finally goes to sleep and does not wake up, so we never again have to read his despicable posts.

An Exhausted Nation Prays Trump Will Suffer Fatal Heat Stroke July 4th

Donald Trump, the morbidly obese octogenarian with cardiovascular issues, made the following comments while speaking in Medora, North Dakota, during the inaugural events of The Theodore Roosevelt Presidential Library on July 1, 2026:

“And this week we look back on 250 years of glorious freedom and we took so much time and so much effort. And by the way on July 4th it’s going to be approximately 107 degrees out and I’m going to go and I’m going to make a really long speech just to show that I can do anything. It’s going to be 107.”

Theodore Roosevelt was famously sickly as a child, but he transformed himself into one of the most vigorous and passionate outdoorsmen in American presidential history. Trump, driven by ego, appeared to be trying to persuade his supporters that he is as healthy as Roosevelt was in his prime.

Considering that Trump is going to be wearing a dark blue suit in 107° weather, with his red tie choking his vagina, it would not be surprising if he suffered a heat stroke. If the buffoon teetered on his cankles and dropped dead while preaching to the choir, it would be the most glorious July 4th in the long history of our country.

It is illegal and immoral to threaten the life of the President, but there’s no law against praying or wishing that the steaming pile of shit, known as Donald J. Trump, dies of a heat stroke this July 4th.