I Hate Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

“Oh, my, god, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guys` girlfriends. Who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because she looks like a total prostitute, okay? I mean, her butt, it`s just so big. Ugh, I can`t believe it`s just so round, it`s like out there, I mean, ugh, gross. Look! She`s just so black!”

Baby Got Back

In 1992 when the prescient prophet Sir Mix-a-Lot released “Baby Got Back” with the immortal lyrics “I like big butts, and I cannot lie” black mean fantasized about Shamika and her healthy big butt, while non-black men salivated over Becky and her perky little butt.

Three decades later white men sing non-ironically “Baby Got Back” dreaming about Becky and her Botox-enhanced huge derriere.

A few decades ago most men considered a huge rear end aesthetically and sexually revolting, but now they are urging their women to get a butt implant.

Asian women are buttocks-challenged, but the other day I saw a photo of an Asian model with a huge rump, and I said to myself, “Holy crap, big bottoms have taken over the world.

Kim Kardashian has weaponized and monetized her huge tush to the point where it can move millions in product and break the damn Internet.

Call me unimpressed, I`m down with circa 1990 Becky, big butts are gross. You can set a table for two on Cardi B`s tremendous backside, but I wouldn`t want to touch her fanny with a ten-foot pole. Sarah Jessica Parker may resemble a horse but I`ll take her and her perky little butt over Amber Rose and her grotesquely large posterior any day of the week.

I pray that before I die sanity will be restored and the likes of Kim Kardashian and her butt will only be seen in circus sideshows and niche porno films.

I hate big butts, and I cannot lie!

Robert Paul Reyes: My Death Wish List for 2017

The Grim Reaper was busy in 2016 culling the best and brightest from the realms of entertainment, sports and politics. The death of icons like Muhammad Ali, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher and John Glenn left a deep void in our culture.

The Grim Reaper never takes a holiday, and he will be busy again in 2017 snuffing out the brightest lights, but I hope he will take out these dim bulbs next year:

The Kardashian Sluts

The Kardashian women are indistinguishable from one another. They all have surgically-enhanced body parts, a penchant for dating black rappers and athletes, and a love for the limelight. They have no talent, and are famous for being famous. Let`s hope and pray they achieve immortality be dying together in a plane crash.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary is a decrepit old hag and she should have died years ago, but her pride and stubbornness will fortify her will into her 90`s. I`m keeping my fingers crossed that a killer clown will dispatch her to hell before she mounts yet another presidential campaign.

Nancy Pelosi

Pelosi is older than Methuselah and as wicked as the devil, if she doesn`t die of Botox poisoning in 2017 there is no God.

Oprah Winfrey

If pride comes before a fall, then it`s high time that Oprah falls straight into the fiery pit of hell.

Katie Couric

The only thing that Couric ever had going for her was her perkiness, but age extinguished her perkiness decades ago, she`s past her expiration date.

Mariah Carey

Carey was one of the brightest stars of the 90`s, but nobody has nostalgia for that forgettable decade, and nobody would miss her if the Grim Reaper dragged her to hell.

Lady Gaga

Her final performance act in 2017 should be ritual suicide on stage.

Nicki Minaj

Barbie? Really? Barbie doesn`t have a grotesquely fat butt! Enough said!

Meryl Streep

Enough is enough! I hope the Grim Reaper takes her out before she`s nominated for yet another award.


That means any feminist who complains that I included only women on my list.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes