I Hate Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

“Oh, my, god, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guys` girlfriends. Who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because she looks like a total prostitute, okay? I mean, her butt, it`s just so big. Ugh, I can`t believe it`s just so round, it`s like out there, I mean, ugh, gross. Look! She`s just so black!”

Baby Got Back

In 1992 when the prescient prophet Sir Mix-a-Lot released “Baby Got Back” with the immortal lyrics “I like big butts, and I cannot lie” black mean fantasized about Shamika and her healthy big butt, while non-black men salivated over Becky and her perky little butt.

Three decades later white men sing non-ironically “Baby Got Back” dreaming about Becky and her Botox-enhanced huge derriere.

A few decades ago most men considered a huge rear end aesthetically and sexually revolting, but now they are urging their women to get a butt implant.

Asian women are buttocks-challenged, but the other day I saw a photo of an Asian model with a huge rump, and I said to myself, “Holy crap, big bottoms have taken over the world.

Kim Kardashian has weaponized and monetized her huge tush to the point where it can move millions in product and break the damn Internet.

Call me unimpressed, I`m down with circa 1990 Becky, big butts are gross. You can set a table for two on Cardi B`s tremendous backside, but I wouldn`t want to touch her fanny with a ten-foot pole. Sarah Jessica Parker may resemble a horse but I`ll take her and her perky little butt over Amber Rose and her grotesquely large posterior any day of the week.

I pray that before I die sanity will be restored and the likes of Kim Kardashian and her butt will only be seen in circus sideshows and niche porno films.

I hate big butts, and I cannot lie!

Pic of Kim Kardashian Meeting Donald Trump at the White House Proves We’re Living in a Simulation

If there is one image that encapsulates the absurdity of the Trump administration it`s the photograph of Donald Trump seated behind the Resolute desk in the Oval Office, his dentures exposed in a rictus befitting a clown, a serial killer, or the crazy uncle who lives in the attic.

In my nightmares I run naked in the woods with Trump`s orange disembodied head attempting to chomp my pecker off, out of spite, jealousy or sheer mischief.

Reality queen Kim Kardashian is standing slightly behind him, wearing a more somber expression. Even the queen of reality TV seems to be cognizant of the absurdity of the situation. She is dressed in black, in a modest and conservative outfit that wouldn`t be out of place in Tehran or Riyadh.

The pic of Kardashian`s bare backside failed to break the Internet, but this image may break the Internet as well as the soul of our democracy.

Reality can`t get any more unreal than Kim Kardashian meeting with Donald Trump at the White House. Am I living in a computer simulation? Am I dead and in hell? Am I insane? This can`t be an LSD flashback, because I never dropped acid. But at this point I`m open to any explanation.

A few days ago, Trump said he would probably support a new bipartisan bill that would return decision-making on marijuana laws to individual states. That`s the least he can do, the only way we can cope with the unreality of the Trump age is by being high as a kite.

Pic of Trump and Kardashian:


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