Nothing Says ‘Merry Christmas’ Like a Skinny Mariah, a Fat Blunt, a Purring Cat, and a Roaring Fire

Nothing says Christmas bliss like lighting up the Yuletide bong, sitting in front of a crackling fireplace, with your kitty cat purring on your lap.

If a gang of Grinch`s invading my home, and stole all my Earthly possessions, I wouldn`t mind as long as they didn`t grab my bong or my cat.

In fact, I would be chill even if the Zombie Apocalypse breaks out, as long as I`m warm inside my little pink house with my cats, and my pooch.

It`s Christmas time and everybody deserves to be blissed out, but if you don`t have a fireplace or a cat, don`t despair.

Lil BUB`s Extraordinarily Magical Yule Log video features the soothing sounds of Lil BUB purring in front of a fireplace.

Dude, you really don`t even need any weed to be filled with the Christmas spirt, there`s nothing like a feline purring to alter your consciousness.

Turn on your smart TV, click on the Lil BUB Christmas video, and dream about the 1990s era Mariah Carey sliding down the chimney and crooning: All I Want for Christmas is You!

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a skinny Mariah, a fat blunt, a purring cat, and a roaring fire.

Ten Worst Things About Christmas


An alcoholic beverage made with milk, egg yolks, rum or whiskey, and spices doesn`t sound particularly appetizing, and it`s not! Is it any wonder that nobody consumes this noxious brew any time other than Christmas?


Most Christmas office parties are not held at the office, but after work at a bar or restaurant. I don`t relish the idea of spending my free time with my co-workers, in fact I`d rather give Oprah Winfrey a one-hour Brazilian wax than spend a minute with my colleagues during my free time. Is it any wonder that most people get absolutely toasted at office parties, that`s the only way they can survive the excruciating ordeal.


Secret Santa is a Christmas tradition in which members of a group (usually employees who work in the same office) are randomly assigned a person to whom they give a gift. The identity of the gift giver is a secret not to be revealed.

I usually take some thought and consideration in buying a gift for the person I was assigned even if I`m not especially fond of that person. My Secret Santa invariably turns out to be a cheap bastard who buys me a tie or a damn pair of socks.


Christmas Movies are cheesy and saccharine productions tailor-made for Hallmark, Lifetime and Netflix. Out of the thousands of Christmas flicks, there are only four good ones: Diehard, Bad Santa, Bad Santa 2 and It`s a Wonderful Life.


Nobody looks good in a Christmas sweater, even Salma Hayek wouldn`t look good if she was clad in a Christmas sweater and nothing else, no pants, no panties, no nothing! Some hipsters have an ironic appreciation for Christmas sweaters, but there`s too many losers who actually think they are hot shit when they wear a Christmas sweater to work.


These wankers perform in a public place (usually a shopping mall) or go from house to house singing Christmas carols. I`d rather have my peace and quiet interrupted by Jehovah`s Witnesses than by smiling bastards singing beloved Christmas carols off-key.


At Christmas family members who for excellent reasons (they despise each other) don`t get together any other time of the year sit down to enjoy a meal. There`s always the crazy uncle who spouts conspiracy theories, the incontinent grandma who poops in her diapers, the delinquent nephew who`s watching porn on his cellphone during the blessing, the nympho aunt who is hitting on her brother-in-law, and the crying baby that you are just dying to throw into the fireplace.


Like any dude I hate shopping on a normal day, going Christmas shopping is a freaking nightmare. The only available parking is a mile from the store, stationed by the front door is a Salvation Army volunteer giving you a nasty look for not dropping a coin in his kettle, and the store is jam-packed with shoppers who are filled with anything but the Christmas spirit.


Your mall Santa is either a wino, a pedophile or both, parents who let their innocent children sit on Santa`s lap should be reported to the authorities.


I don`t mind hearing a Christmas standard or two during the holiday season, but why in the name of God does my favorite oldies station play Christmas music 24/7 starting as early as the day after Thanksgiving? If I hear Mariah Carey`s “All I Want for Christmas” one more time, I`m going to murder the fat whore.

Dang, is there anything good about Christmas?

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Top Christmas Gifts For Your Cat

I love all the trappings of Christmas: The mistletoe hanging in the office, houses festooned with Christmas lights, carolers serenading commuters, and stockings hanging by the fireplace.

Not everyone has a fireplace, but everybody should hang Yuletide stockings somewhere for all the members of their family, including the four-legged ones.

My cats, Tico and Ebony, have frayed their stockings, they treat them like a scratching post.

Which brings us to the question: What toys should you get your felines for Christmas?

Any Toy That Encourages Your Kitty to be Active

Cats are the laziest creatures on Earth, if my pets find a warm spot, they won`t move until they need to eat or use the litter box. Buy them a cat tunnel or a mechanical mouse that will inspire them to get off their fat butts.

Any Toy That Has Catnip

Humans have their eggnog and a holiday bong, it`s only fair that we provide our kitties with catnip. Your neighborhood pet store has dozens of toys that have catnip stored in them that`s released slowly while your cats are playing.

A Super Deluxe Litter Box

Too many cat owners just buy the cheapest litter box they can find, and keep the damn thing until it falls apart. Is it any wonder that some cats make it a point to defecate OUTSIDE the litter box? At the minimum a litter box should have a lid. Would you feel comfortable taking a crap in a bathroom that doesn`t have a door?

Another Cat

Cats are independent, but that doesn`t mean they enjoy being alone for hours at a time while you are at work. A good idea would be to foster a cat from a shelter, and if it gets along with your furball, adopt it.


You can`t go wrong if you fill your cat`s stocking with his favorite gourmet treats.

If you don`t have a cat, adopt one from your local animal shelter as a Christmas gift to yourself.

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Seal Terrorizes Australian Town on Christmas

“An Australian couple woke up Christmas morning to find a fur seal doing its best impression of a hood ornament on their car, but residents of the town say this is not the first time a seal has tried to move in to the neighborhood.

Animal control officers in Newstead, a suburb of Tasmania, subdued the seal as it ran from driveway to driveway and car to car through the neighborhood, apparently unsure how to get back to the nearby waterway it came from.”


I wouldn`t be surprised if a dingo wreaked havoc Down Under on a Christmas morning, kidnapping a baby from a living nativity scene, or if kangaroo flash mob attacked shoppers at a mall.

Australians wage a never-ending battle to reclaim their land from the native wildlife, if you visit Australia make sure you are never without a knife worthy of Crocodile Dundee.

But it`s not often that a seal goes wilding in Australia, this seal terrorized Newstead before it was subdued by animal control officers.

Most dangerous job in the world: Animal control officer in Australia.

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Hipster Nativity Scene Depicts Birth of Jesus Christ in 2016

“A pair of brothers crafted a Hipster Nativity set, depicting a modern version of the birth of Jesus in the manger.

The $130 Nativity set brings the biblical Christmas scene into the 21st century as Joseph and Mary take selfies with the newborn Jesus in a stable with a solar-powered roof, the Three Wisemen on segways bearing packages from Amazon and the shepherd looking at his cell phone.”


The Nativity scene certainly needed to be updated for the 2st century, but why did the brothers include an invention (Segway) that was introduced in 2001 with much fanfare as the replacement for the automobile, but turned out to be a huge sales disappointment?

And why on Earth are there barnyard animals in the updated Nativity set? It`s the 21st century dammit, and cats rule online and in real life. There should be a cat cuddling next to the Baby Jesus.

Speaking of the Baby Jesus, he should be an orange-faced replica of Baby Trump. I`m sorry if I offended anybody`s religious sensibilities, but Trump as Baby Jesus makes as much sense as Trump as Leader of the Free World.

It would have been a nice touch if Baby Jesus had been depicted wearing a “Black Lives Matter” onesie.

All in all a nice job by the brothers, and the hefty price tag is very much 21st century.

Pic of Nativity scene:

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Woman Driver Runs Over Ex-Boyfriend’s Christmas Display

“State police say holiday music was blaring from a western Pennsylvania woman’s car as she tore up the yard of her ex-boyfriend’s home, nearly running the man and his family over.

Forty-seven-year-old Mary Jo Smith was charged Tuesday with multiple offenses stemming from Monday’s incident.

Alan McCutcheon says he was setting up a Christmas light display outside of his Fayette County home when Smith yelled ‘Merry Christmas’ and made several passes through his yard.”

CBS News

Smith should be charged with a misdemeanor for attempting to run over her ex-boyfriend, and a felony for blaring Christmas music from her car radio.

McCutcheon should be charged with a felony for setting up a Christmas light display outside his home, call me a Grinch but I’m already sick and tired of Christmas music and Christmas lights.

We still have three weeks to go before it’s finally Christmas; I pray God will give me the strength to resist going Krampus
on every Christmas display in my neighborhood.

I’ll knock boots with Smith in the back of her vehicle, as long as she has Luther Vandross on her car stereo and not Christmas music.

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Pooch Loves Santa


“A pair of Florida siblings captured their 1-year-old dog`s joy at meeting the real-life version of her favorite chew toy: Santa Claus.

John Mantaldo, 16, and sister Angelina Mantaldo, 19, said their 1-year-old Shiba Inuna dog, Kya, has been infatuated with her Santa Claus chew toy ever since they got it for her when she first came home last Christmas.

The siblings brought Kya to their local mall in Orlando to meet Santa in person.”

A pooch loves to chew on her Santa Claus chew toy, so her owners take her to the mall to meet Santa in person. This makes as much sense as a dog owner tracking down where his mailman lives, so he can take his mailman hating-pet to meet him in person.

This had all the potential of being a bloodbath at the mall, but instead of chewing the bloody hell out of Santa, Kya had a huge smile on her face when she met the Jolly Old Bastard.

All the kids waiting in line to see Santa got a double treat, they got to sit on Santa`s lap and pet the adorable pooch.

I wish all my readers a Happy Holiday Season!

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Photo Credit: Wikipedia