wanker

How Dare Tom Selleck Credit Jesus for his ‘Success’

In a beliefnet.com article Tom Selleck is quoted as saying that Jesus Christ is responsible for all the success in his life.

It’s a good thing Jesus Christ rose from the dead, otherwise he would constantly be rolling over in his grave every time a wanker attributed his “success” in life to Him.

Selleck isn’t a philanthropist, educator, scientist or writer he’s an actor who owes all of his success in his profession to his good looks.

In his prime in the 80’s Selleck won a few Emmy Awards for his portrayal of private investigator, Thomas Magnum. Selleck’s iconic mustache should have received an Emmy for “best supporting actor”, because his thespian skills consisted of looking pretty in Hawaii’s beautiful scenery.

Selleck, 76 is still acting, although now his ridiculous toupee receives more attention than his mustache.

Selleck an ultra-conservative is a spokesman for the National Rifle Association (NRA), but by far his most deplorable role is as a paid endorser for reverse mortgages. Reverse Mortgages prey on the elderly, and only a person who has sold his soul to the devil would shill for such despicable companies.

WWJD? He sure as fuck wouldn’t be a spokesman for the NRA or reverse mortgages.

How dare Selleck credit Jesus for his success in life, Jesus would beat the holy hell out of him and stuff his toupee where the sun don’t shine.

Sean Spicer’s New Book ‘The Briefing’ a Colossal Failure

“`He is a unicorn, riding a unicorn over a rainbow.`

That`s how Sean Spicer lovingly describes his former boss in his new book, “The Briefing,” according to a copy obtained by the Guardian.”

Market Watch

Sean Spicer was mercilessly ridiculed during his short stint as the White House Press Secretary, nevertheless he sought to parlay his brief tenure as Trump`s lying lackey into a career as a cable news talking head and as an author.

CNN, MSNBC and every other legitimate news outlet flat-out turned him down, why would they besmirch their reputation by hiring a lying sack of crap?

Even Fox News home to conspiracy theorists, right-wing nutjobs and assorted assholes refused to offer Spicer a contract, although he frequently appears as an analyst.

Spicer`s career as an author thus far is an unmitigated disaster, his new book, “The Briefing” debuted in 20,0000th place on Amazon`s book chart. I could self-publish a book about Trump`s sphincter-like mouth and it would sell more copies.

Trump isn`t a beautiful mythical figure like a unicorn, he`s a flying pig shitting over a rainbow, and at the end of his rainbow is a faux-gold pot of steaming manure.

There should be no room on TV, indeed in polite society for any former member of the corrupt and racist Trump administration. Sean Spicer can ride his unicorn to an asylum, that`s where he belongs.

Read More:

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/sean-spicer-likens-donald-trump-to-a-wondrous-mythical-creature-2018-07-12

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Stray Cat Scares Bejesus Out of Wanker

“A customer at a Tennessee garden center was caught on security camera jumping onto a store counter to avoid a stray cat that wandered in.

The security camera footage shows a man standing at the counter at Beasley`s Yard in Columbia when another customer walks in the door.

A stray cat darts into the door before it closes, causing the man at the counter to become startled and jump up onto the counter.”

UPI

Even the toughest dude is afraid of something, I for one will scream like a little girl if a spider falls on me.

But a man who jumps onto a store counter when a feline wanders in, should turn in his man card. He`s more of a pussycat than a human being, and I`m surprised the store owner didn`t knock him off the counter with a baseball bat.

But at least the store owner posted the video online, to the mortification of the coward, and the delight of millions of people all over the world.

Link to video:

https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2018/04/18/Stray-cat-scares-customer-into-jumping-up-on-counter/2451524068997/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=7

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Jeff Sessions is the Creepiest Politician in History

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been called everything from a Keebler elf to Mr. Magoo to a grey alien to a steaming pile of dung, and that`s what his friends in the Senate call him. Just kidding, even though he served for over two decades in that august body, he doesn`t have any friends there or anywhere else.

Sessions is the creepiest politician in history, he`s like a loathsome lizard that you are too afraid to touch so you just poke it when a ten-foot pole.

This vile creature is older than dirt, and it`s not too soon to be talking about his funeral. I hope it`s a closed casket funeral, he looks like a vampire now, God only knows what he will look like when he`s finally dead.

Donald Trump has been publicly shaming and humiliating Sessions ever since he recused himself from the investigation into Russia`s attempted meddling in the 2016 election.

I haven`t heard a single politician, pundit or preacher come to his defense, arguing that a man of such integrity and high moral character shouldn`t be subjected to such despicable treatment.

Because of course the slimy racist doesn`t have any integrity, people defend him on strictly political terms.

We worry whenever Trump blasts him, only because it may mean that he`s getting ready to fire him. As much as we loathe Sessions we don`t want to see him fired, because Trump would replace him with a lackey who would fire Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

Sessions endorsed Trump early in the 2016 presidential race, he travelled with the short-fingered vulgarian and got to know him very well. Sessions knew what a sick bastard Trump was, and he should never have agreed to serve as Attorney General.

I`m enjoying watching Trump torment Sessions on a daily basis.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Neighbors Thought Wanker Was a Terrorist for Flying Jack Daniel’s Flag

“According to a report by a Swiss site, a 29-year-old man from Regensdorf in the canton of Zurich recently bought and erected a Jack Daniel`s flag, along with an Italian flag, outside his property.

The man, born in Switzerland but with Italian heritage, said he had put up the flag because he found it `funny`. His neighbours, however, appeared to disagree and confused the flag of the famous Tennessee whiskey producer with that of the militant group, so-called Islamic State.

After emptying his letter box, the man found a letter, allegedly from `concerned neighbours` that read: Should we be afraid of you? First the Italian flag and now the black death flag. Are you an IS-sympathiser? The letter concluded by stating that the author(s) would put the man and his girlfriend “under observation, if necessary.”

The Drinks Business

As far as I`m concerned a man can erect any flag on his private property, however if you erect a flag featuring the logo of a whiskey company your neighbors are going to suspect you`re a drunkard.

The homeowner said that if he found the culprit, he would take legal action due to damage to his reputation. What a wanker, his reputation was ruined the moment he raised the Jack Daniel`s flag.

To quote the immortal words of Rodney King: Can`t we all just get along? If the Swiss gentleman threw a neighborhood party, and provided free Jack Daniel`s, peace and tranquility would prevail in that neighbored forevermore.

Moral of this story:

If you see something, say something, unless you happen to be a freaking moron who mistakes the Jack Daniel`s logo for an ISIS flag.

Read More:

https://www.thedrinksbusiness.com/2017/10/man-mistaken-for-terrorist-after-his-isis-banner-turns-out-to-be-a-jack-daniels-flag/

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes