Dollar Tree is the ideal store for a zombie apocalypse: its stores often look as though zombies have already ransacked them. Stores are messy and cluttered, with shelves routinely left bare and unopened inventory blocking aisles and emergency exits.

Store clerks are as difficult to find as nuns in a brothel; the temptation is always there to pretend like the apocalypse is already here and leave without paying for the cheap merchandise.

Dollar Tree’s candy selection seems handpicked by the devil, catering only to nostalgic baby boomers and brain-dead zombies. Where else but a candy shop in the depths of hell would you find black licorice, Circus Peanuts, Smarties, Red Bird Peppermint Puffs, Strawberry Hard Candies, and Cherry Cordials?

Younger generations unfamiliar with these dreadful sweets should count themselves lucky as they enjoy their Snickers and Kit Kats. Only a demon fresh from hell—or a sweet old church lady—would hand out such abominations.

To hell with Dollar Tree! Everything costs more than a dollar. Their candy will give you diarrhea.