Redneck Attacks Roommate Over Stale Cap’n Crunch

“An Alabama man allegedly beat his roommate after discovering that the victim had failed to properly seal a box of Cap`n Crunch cereal, which had gone stale, police report.

Duane Barry Smith, 52, was arrested Friday for domestic violence following a confrontation with the man he shares a residence in Moundville, a town outside Tuscaloosa.

According to police, the victim said that Smith became upset upon discovering the stale cereal and blamed him for failing to keep the Cap`n Crunch fresh. Smith was especially perturbed since he is missing teeth and had difficulty consuming the stale cereal.

At one point, Smith demanded that his roommate remove his dentures so that he could experience how hard it was to consume the Cap`n Crunch. When the man refused, Smith allegedly began striking the victim with an electrical cord.”

The Smoking Gun

The dateline for this Smoking Gun article is Moundville, Alalabama, the epicenter of redneck tomfoolery, witness this story that I wrote last month:
Moundville Country Bumpkins Epic Fight Over Cheesecake:

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, and I munched children`s cereal, but when I became a man, I put away children`s cereals like Count Chocula and Cap`n Crunch.

But in Alabama rednecks not only love them some children`s cereal, they also love to court teen girls, and they madly love pedophiles like Roy Moore.

But I must admit that Cap`n Crunch is delicious, especially when it`s fresh and crunchy. Eating stale cereal is like smoking a blunt that you accidentally dropped in your toilet; I can understand Smith`s umbrage at his roommate/lover? at not properly sealing the box of cereal.

The victim should consider himself blessed that that the toothless wonder didn`t hit him over the head with a jug of moonshine after he worked him over with an electrical cord.

The moral of this story: Don`t ever visit Moundville, but if business requires that you visit that godforsaken place, take a zombie survival kit with you. If you pick up the last cheesecake or the last box of Cap`n Crunch at a grocery store and the shoppers start heading in your direction, for the love of God blast their brains with a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun.

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Moundville Country Bumpkins Epic Fight Over Cheesecake

“The Moundville Times reported that Moundville Police Chief Toby Banks was called to a disturbance at a residence where the half-brothers live together at noon Dec. 26.

`Banks said he was asked for his opinion on whether the piece of cake was big enough for a grown (expletive) man,` the paper reported. `He said he thought it was.`

According to court records, the older brother, 24, was still holding the butcher knife he used to cut the dessert when they began arguing about the portion size. The victim told police his brother punched him in the face and busted his lip.

According to the police report, the suspect told the chief `they were arguing over the pie, but he only patted the victim on the face and head like a dog.`”

Moundville is a hick town with a population of less than 3,000 in the redneck state of Alabama.

I`m surprised these country bumpkins were arguing over a piece of cheesecake, and not a slab of cornbread.

I know that the family is important in the South, but what the hell are two grown ass brothers doing living together?

The moral of this story:

When a hillbilly is brandishing a butcher knife that he used to cut a piece of cheesecake into two portions, common sense dictates that you don`t complain that your portion is smaller.

The simple fact that the older brother used a butcher knife instead of a butter knife to cut the cheesecake should have been a tip off that he wasn`t in a mood to put up with any guff from his younger sibling.

The victim told police that his brother punched him in the face, but the older moron claims he only patted the victim on the face and head like a dog. You don`t have to be an expert on redneck behavior to know that he beat him like a dog.

In a red state that worships the likes of Donald Trump and Roy Moore never, I repeat never, get into an argument with any of the local yokels over cheesecake.

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