boomers

Boomers Have a Right to be Cranky

I have been a misanthrope all my life, and now that I’m a senior citizen even my most pollyannaish friends, acquaintances, former co-workers and family members are as grouchy as I am. Why are boomers so irritable and crabby, and liable to throw a fit at the drop of a hat, and complain about everything under the sun?

In the 1960s, lead was common in everyday life: in house paint, water pipes, car fuel, and even children’s toys. Boomers grew up with widespread exposure, and lead poisoning can cause long-term psychological effects, including “less adaptive personality profiles in adulthood,” which may make it harder to adjust when routines change. Even so, I do not think lead exposure alone explains why boomers are so crotchety.

Let us get real, when every joint in your body aches, when you’re blind as a bat and deaf as a doornail, you are not going to be prancing around like freaking Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

Old folks do not remember what we had for breakfast, but we remember every perceived slight and every insult going back to kindergarten, and when a young whippersnapper makes a snide remark because we’re taking too long at the ATM, we lash out as if he was braying in a discordant choir with every wanker who ever made fun of us.

Young people would be well-advised to give us a wide berth, if our toxic tongue does not get you our noxious farts will.

Don’t Let Your Boomer Relatives Use Checks

Baby boomers are stubborn as hell, they cling to their old-school ways, like still using checks to pay their bills or making purchases.

Using paper checks is the least secure payment method. Unlike modern digital transactions that use encryption and multi-factor authentication, checks physically expose your most sensitive financial data to anyone who handles your check.

The number of people who handle a physical check before it reaches a typically passes through three or four different hands in a standard mailing scenario: postal workers, the recipient, depositor, and the bank teller.  Any of these individuals can access your financial information and empty your bank account.

Each check from Grandma Betty or Auntie Hilda reveals her name, address, bank account and routing number, signature, and sometimes phone number—valuable information for criminals.

If a boomer relative is still using checks, they need an intervention. Don’t just say, “Ok Boomer”, I guess you are too pigheaded to change. Scare them straight and warn them that if they persist in using checks, they run the risk of identify theft and ending up penniless and homeless.

Responsible individuals discourage boomers from using checks.  

‘Call a Boomer’ Pay Phone Connects Boomers and Zoomers

Pay phones were once ubiquitous, they were a reassuring presence on almost every city block.

In the digital age a pay phone is a novelty, an anachronism, a relic of a simpler place and time.

There is a bright yellow pay phone with the words “Call a Boomer” emblazoned on it on a busy street near Boston University. It connects with a phone located in the lobby of an affordable housing building for seniors in Reno, Nevada.

Unlike the vintage pay phones of yesteryear, this phone works without the need to insert a quarter, users on either end can pick up the phone, automatically dialing the counterpart.

These two phones are probably the most in-demand devices around: curious Zoomers will be eager to try out the vintage phone, while bored Boomers looking for conversation will not miss a chance to chat with anyone who picks up.

I am a boomer open to sharing my thoughts with younger people, especially those from Boston—I enjoy the Boston accent.

Younger generations may enjoy engaging in discussions with individuals who hold contrasting views about life overall and current events specifically.

The best things in life are free, and that includes talking on the phone with a person from a different generation.

QR Code Menus are Anathema to Boomers

Gen Z are constantly on the lookout for trendy new dining spots. They photograph their meals, post them on social media, and hope to go viral cementing their reputation as influencers and trendsetters. These hipsters seek out dining establishments with unique aesthetics, immersive atmospheres, and just the right vibe; the food itself is almost incidental.

Boomers on the other hand prize familiarity above everything else, they rotate between a handful of favorite restaurants, eschewing anything new or trendy Everyone knows their name, they’re greeted by a waitress (not server) named Betty or Norma, and they expect to see a giant wall on the clock, clean linen tablecloths and a physical menu.

They consider a QR code menu a sign of the End Times, and they will walk out of a QR code-only menu restaurant rather than scanning the code and reading the menu. These old timers think QR stands for Quite Repellent. A number of these older individuals possess older phones that are unable to scan QR codes. A menu is not essential for them, as they consistently choose the same entrée when ordering.  

For the love of God, restaurants that cater to boomers should ban laptops, gender-neutral bathrooms, fusion foods, and freaking QR code menus. Boomers have earned the right to dine in peace, ruminate over their aches and pains, enjoy their meatloaf in a coffee shop free of QR code menus.

Boomer Bonus Day

April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of sociopaths, misanthropes and tricksters who take a perverse delight in playing practical jokes, hoaxes and pranks on their hapless friends, clueless colleagues, dim-witted acquaintances, and dementia-impaired senior citizens.

In a remarkable display of disrespect Boomer Bonus Day (BBD) is celebrated on this ignominious holiday. BBD honors boomers with special discounts, acts of kindness, and recognition. I am probably lucky that BBD does not happen every Leap Year on February 29th.

Businesses should offer boomers a special discount every day, our family should shower us with acts of kindness every day, and everyone should recognize our special qualities every day. After all, the Grim Reaper is hot on our tails and today may be the last opportunity to love on a boomer.

Circle April 1 on your calendar, and this year instead of playing a cruel joke on your favorite gullible boomer, shower them with gifts and compliments.

If my younger relatives do not make me feel special on BBD, I’ll be upset, but by the time April Fools’ Day arrives, I will forget that it is also BBD.

Nobody Cares How Boomers Dress

Older adults follow the unspoken expectation that they should remain inconspicuous by wearing subdued colors, practical fabrics, and outdated fashions. The young and vibrant are at the forefront with their primary colors and wild styles and the old and decrepit disappear into the background with their beige hues and conservative attire.

Old biddies wonder if they can get away with wearing a short skirt, and old codgers wonder if people will make fun of them if they wear skinny jeans.

The Burger King cashier is not puzzled by your retro clothes, but rather because he wonders if you will last until your burger and fries are ready.  

Boomers should forget about societal expectations and just wear whatever makes them feel comfortable. People rarely pay attention to how older folks dress. You can wear pajamas with the fly open, a sombrero and combat boots, and nobody will bat an eye.

 The fashion police are trained to ignore everyone under thirty, you might as well be dead to these fashionistas. We do not have to show the fashion police no stinking designer labels; we are free to dress however we please.

Boomers can dress like a pimp from a blaxploitation flick from the 70’s, a flapper from the 1920’s, or a hillbilly extra from Hee Haw. Nobody gives a damn what we wear.

Act Like a Boomer When Eating and Having Sex

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Life moved at a leisurely pace when boomers were growing up. “Take time to smell the roses” wasn’t a hackneyed phrase for the analog generation; we appreciated simple pleasures unnoticed by the digital generation.

The Tinder generation treats sexual intercourse like a bodily function that is as quick and emotionless as shaking hands or taking a crap. It’s Wham Bam, Thank You Ma’am, Don’t Let the Door Hit You on Your Way Out. After an unhurried round of lovemaking, we relaxed, smoked a cigarette and basked in the afterglow.   

For boomers there was a time and a place for everything, and eating a meal required a table, silverware, napkins and most of all privacy. When we ate in restaurants, we maintained proper decorum, and never burped, talked loudly, or did anything to disturb the other patrons. Dining was so enjoyable a ritual that even nonreligious people sometimes said a blessing.

People today eat everywhere: on public transportation, while driving, talking on the phone, in public buildings (even libraries and churches) and while walking down the street. They’re oblivious to the grease and litter they leave behind, concerned only with stuffing their faces.

Eating and having sex are normal and healthy human functions, but for the love of God act like thinking and caring human beings and not like wild animals.

Boomers: Put Down Your Smartphones

We are cognizant of the problems associated with children being addicted to smartphones: suicidal ideation from doom scrolling and cyber bullying, sexual dysfunction from consumption of hardcore porn, social awkwardness in public from being immersed in a digital space and social isolation from preferring virtual reality to the real world.

But boomers’ addiction to cell phones is a growing concern for the younger generations who wish their grandparents would stick to rotary phones. According to the Pew Research Center, people 60 and older spend over four hours watching online videos.

I don’t mean to be ageist, but old people are deaf AF, and they have their phone notifications at such a loud volume that it that the ping reverberates around the entire house, including the basement and the attic. To add insult to injury the notification is usually for something fatuous like Aunt Betty sending a text to your grandma reminding her it is Bingo night.

Young people with their dexterous fingers and nimble minds are annoyed as hell when they witness their elderly relatives text with two trembling fingers. They have fantasies of crushing their digits with the rotary phone in the geezers’ living room.

Boomers are gullible and naïve and susceptible to manipulation. Witness the tons of shoddily created AI generated news and videos they send their children that they feel validates their MAGA conspiracies.

Parents, you are justified worrying about the ill effects of cell phones on your children, but you also need to be concerned about your screen-addicted elderly loved ones.  

Boomers: Tell Gen Z to Hurry Up and Take Care of What You Need

When you are old the world stops spinning so fast. Retirement frees you from a schedule, and time feels unchanged. You find yourself captivated by ordinary details you once overlooked: a robin snacking on a worm, the porch flag fluttering in the wind, or soft clouds drifting across the sky…

When I am forced to interact with a young person I feel like I am on a treadmill and I have to quicken my pace just so I will not lag behind.

Before I ask a question of the bank teller or grocery clerk, I always preface my inquiry with an apology: “sorry to bother you”, or “I know you’re busy, so I’ll be quick.”

Politeness is the default mode of the elderly, especially when dealing with the younger generations. Kids today find civility and frequent apologizing annoying rather than admirable. They are thinking, “Ok boomer, just get to the freaking point.”

Even though you are no longer a slave to the clock your time is still important, and just as valuable as that of the young person rolling their eyes at you. The faster you finish your transaction with the blue-haired grocery clerk, the sooner you will be home sipping wine or taking a long drag on a big ass blunt.

Enough with the self-deprecating language and obsequious demeanor! I am going to get with the program and whenever I leave my comfortable abode to run an errand, I will tell any young clerk I meet to hurry up and take care of my old boomer ass.

Boomers Love Their Knickknacks

Gen Z are conflicted when they visit their grandparents’ homes: they cherish grandma’s hugs, oatmeal cookies and lavish praise but they suffer anxiety and disorientation from the knickknacks, porcelain figurines, vintage dolls, collectible plates, vacation souvenirs and family photographs that occupy every nook and cranny of their palatial  home. They wonder did their grandparents’ home always look so tacky, or did Liberace come back from the dead, break into their residence, and redecorate to his heart’s content?

The younger generation live in small apartments and starter homes that cannot accommodate the treasure trove of trinkets and keepsakes that their grandparents value so much. Such curios are anathema to their minimalist aesthetic.

They value memories more than material things, keeping those memories on their cell phones and in the cloud, rather than displayed on a fireplace mantel or stored on a bookshelf.  

My advice to the younger generation: Your grandparents are not hoarders, and they take comfort in the knickknacks you consider clutter. It will not kill you if you put your cell phone on silent mode when you visit them. They may not be around for much longer.