all i want for christmas is you

All I Want for Christmas is Mariah Carey

The first time I hear the iconic intro melody of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” it lets me know that the Christmas season has officially arrived.

Little children dream of Santa Claus sliding down the chimney to deliver toys, and they leave cookies and milk to engender his generosity.

I’m old and jaded and I don’t believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, and I’ve lost trust in all major institutions, but I still dream of the Queen of Christmas, sliding down my chimney to give me all I want for Christmas, namely herself.

While children often offer Santa milk and cookies, I make an effort to welcome Mariah by providing a tray of cannabis-infused cookies and a bottle of Cristal champagne.

My nightmare is that Mariah’s delicious ample rear end will get stuck in my chimney, and instead of singing “All I Want for Christmas is You”, she will scream in terror, and her high notes will burst the Cristal bottle and shatter my hopes that she will spend the night with me.

Who am I kidding? Mariah Carey, the Queen of Christmas belongs to the world, and she will not be spending any quality time with me. It is incumbent upon us to pay homage to Mariah, by playing “All I Want for Christmas” on a loop.

My Annal Mariah Carey Christmas Essay

Hate me if you will, but I will once again post my annual Mariah Carey Christmas essay:

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go. There’s a slightly inebriated Santa at the local mall, a Salvation Army bell ringer soliciting spare change outside the Dollar General, giant inflated Santas promoting kitsch, and Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is You” blaring from every radio, stereo and public address system. And of course, it once again occupies its exalted place at No. 1 of Billboard’s Top 100 Holiday songs.

Evangelicals have never held so much political power at a time when America has never been more secular. It’s not the Christmas hymns of yore that resonate with Americans, but the secular chestnuts of recent vintage like “Last Christmas” by Wham, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson Five, and of course “All I Want for Christmas is You” by the Queen of Christmas.

Mariah has supplanted the Virgin Mary as the most revered female of the Christmas season. The mother of Jesus, being a virgin, simply cannot compete with the playful sensuality and unbridled joy manifest in all of Carey’s musical catalog, especially “All I Want…”

I take my duty as an ambassador for the Queen of Christmas seriously, by having her iconic Xmas song playing in repeat on all my audio devices, by sending Mariah memes to all my friends and enemies and by continuing my tradition of writing my annual Mariah Christmas essay.

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You (Official Video)