Donald Trump is the first American president in over 130 years not to have a dog in the White House. However, it could be argued that he doesn`t need a dog when he has his human lapdog, Mike Pence. Like any pooch worth his salt Pence stares adoringly at his master, and the brownish tint to his nose is testament of his subservience and loyalty. Pence loves Trump, his vindictive God and Mother, in that order.

A dog is man`s best friend, a narcissist like Trump doesn`t have any genuine friends, but Pence is the president`s favorite sycophant. I wonder if Trump sometimes lets Pence sleep on his bed to reward him for his loyalty – God knows there`s plenty of room in his bed since Melania never sleeps with him.

Trump doesn`t share the spotlight with anyone, and Pence`s sublimation of ego is complete. Pence is like a dog who is so terrified of his cruel master that he never barks or whines. Pence rarely speaks unless spoken to, and when he does speak it`s to praise his master.

Pence is like a dog, but he`s also like a mannequin. Whenever he`s in the presence of his master, the only muscles that he moves are the ones that activate his subservient smile. If Pence is an anatomically-correct mannequin his anus must be the size of the head of a pin.

The White House staff realizes that Pence doesn`t wield any real power, and nobody has any respect for the spineless Mother-loving yes man. However they treat him with deference because if Trump isn`t impeached before the end of his term the actuarial charts will catch up with the obese buffoon.

In that horrible day Pence will let his freak flag fly high, he will demand that his Cabinet hold a Bible study every day, and he will ban sodomites from serving in his administration. Mother will be venerated like the Virgin Mary, and our democracy will be turned into a theocracy.