A few weeks ago, I saw a one-inch rubber Jesus figurine on a flower planter outside a Dollar General. The other day I found another miniature Jesus doll performing guard duty at the self-checkout machine at my local Kroger. If I find another tiny, long hair, bearded hippie Jesus while running my errands I will interpret it as sign of the impending Apocalypse.

There is nothing spiritual or heavenly about this infestation of teensy-weensy Jesus dolls. This army of diminutive Jesuses did not escape from the pit of hell; their origin is more sinister: it is another infernal TikTok trend. The social media behometh is even selling packs of up to one hundred tiny Jesus statuettes on the app’s store.

This Lilliputian monstrosities are everywhere, evangelical Christians are buying them in bulk and placing them in gas stations, post offices, stores, and hospitals as a witnessing tool.

While some may perceive me as cynical or irreligious, my initial reaction upon encountering one of these peculiarities was not to interpret it as a prompt for religious attendance.

When I learned that MAGA evangelicals were using these Jesus trinkets as a proselytizing gimmick, I thought to myself: “What freaking idiots!” They have reduced the Jesus of the Gospels to a toy and a sales gimmick.

I avoid the Republican Jesus, and we should keep these novelties away from babies and toddlers. They might swallow Jesus and choke to death.