Month: July 2017

Public Restrooms In China Ration Toilet Paper! Commie Hellhole!

“Officials in a Chinese city are saving money on toilet paper in public restrooms by employing facial recognition technology in the stalls.

The machine uses facial recognition software to identify the user and vends exactly 27.5 inches of toilet paper, the maximum allowed by the machine.


Officials said a user must wait 9 minutes before the machine will allow them to get another length of paper. They said the system has cut the amount of toilet paper used in restrooms by half.”


UPI


 China is a hellhole where you will find cats and dogs on the dinner plate, lead in every product, MSG in every entrée, and suffocating fog in every major city.

To make matters worse a Chinese city has installed facial recognition technology in public restrooms that identifies the user and vends exactly 27.5 inches of toilet paper. If you need more toilet paper you have to wait nine minutes before the machine will dispense more.


There is no way in hell that 27.5 inches will do the trick for me, and there`s no way in hell that I would wait nine minutes for more toilet paper. In a New York minute I would bust that newfangled machine wide open, and wipe my butt to my heart`s content.

I could care less if the facial recognition software captured my act of vandalism, let those commie bastards know that Americans aren`t going to put up with that kind of bullshi*!


In America we wipe our rear ends until they are sparkling clean, even if it means we use the entire roll of paper.

Read More:


 http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/07/11/Public-restrooms-using-facial-recognition-to-ration-toilet-paper/2261499798025/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=3

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Donald Trump Jr. Retweets Video of His Moron Dad as a Top Gun Pilot

“Donald Trump Jr. apparently shares his father`s affinity for violent CNN-related fan fiction.

 

A fierce defender of his father`s administration, Junior posted edited `Top Gun` footage depicting The Donald sitting in the cockpit of an aircraft shooting down a fighter jet bearing the CNN logo.

In the video, Trump mutters his catchphrase, `You`re fired,` before releasing a missile that makes the CNN logo dramatically explode. Trump Jr. shared the footage on both his Instagram and Twitter, labeling it `the best I`ve ever seen.`”

Vice

Donald Trump and his entire family has a deep aversion to CNN and any other news outlet that reports the news objectively. The only major news network that meets Trump`s expectations (fawning coverage) is the Fox News Network, and he watches the “fair and balanced” cable station religiously.

CNN made the cardinal sin of reporting the truth about the Trump`s penchant for lying and obfuscation, and he doesn`t miss an opportunity to belittle the well-respected news organization.

Last week Trump retweeted a video of himself pummeling a man whose face was superimposed by the CNN logo, apparently Junior wasn`t pleased with the ferocity of the backlash, so he tweeted an even more offensive video.

The video that Trump Jr. shared is ridiculous, I can imagine Donald Trump piloting a yacht, a hot air balloon and even a blimp, but Trump as a Top Gun pilot? Are you freaking kidding me?

If a military jet pilot of any country saw the orange-faced freak flying a military plane, he would blast it out of the sky, thinking it was an extraterrestrial freak from Uranus.

https://news.vice.com/story/don-trump-jr-tweeted-video-of-president-trump-as-top-gun-pilot

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Man Proposes to Girlfriend While Being Arrested: Video

“It was a surprise unlike any other this Fourth of July for some Muskogee police officers and one lucky lady.
Police body camera video captured Brandon Thompson being arrested for six felony warrants on his birthday.

 `When the other officer told me he was gonna propose I think my initial response was, are you kidding me?` said Lincoln Anderson, Muskogee Police Department spokesman.
`Oh my gosh is he serious? But I knew I was gonna say yes. Like I love him a lot. We go through our ups and downs. I guess it`s like an unconditional love, you know?` said Leandria Keith, bride-to-be.”
NewsOn6.Com
I`m 60-years-old and I`ve never been arrested, but I freely admit that I`ve broken the law more than a few times. But a character with six outstanding felony warrants is a habitual criminal, and the only way to prevent him from committing crimes is by keeping him incarcerated.
In this video when Thompson is being arrested somebody in the background is washing the family car, being arrested by the police is evidently nothing to get unduly exercised over.

The reporter for NewsOn6.Com refers the bride-to-be as “one lucky lady,” this lucky lady can look forward to a lifetime of bailing her hubby out of jail.

Leandria is most likely used to seeing her man jailed, she probably already had a care package (Top Ramen and a giant jar of Vaseline) prepared for him.

What a heartwarming ghetto fairy tale …

Read More:

http://www.newson6.com/story/35819347/muskogee-man-proposes-to-girlfriend-during-arrest

Libraries are Seedier Than Flophouses and More Dangerous Than Prisons

“The Denver Police Department has begun patrolling the Central Library, amid a spike in drug use and illegal activity that has been the focus of heightened scrutiny in recent months.

Library officials are crediting the increased police presence and other safety measures with a significant decrease in illegal activity this summer. The downtown library has also added cameras, increased waste clean-up around the building and stocked overdose kits on site to treat patrons.”

Denver Post

I grew up in a small two bedroom house with three sisters and a brother, the only places where I could find peace and quiet were the church and the library. I didn`t have a religious bent, therefore the library became my refuge.

My family was too poor to afford an encyclopedia, in the pre-Internet age the only place where I could expand my mind was the library. The library`s customers were my kind of folks, geeky scholarly types.

Today`s library attracts an entirely different kind of people: Homeless clad in feces-encrusted and urine-soaked pants, jobless perverts browsing porn sites for free, and millennial trash taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi.

Who would have thunk (certainly not Baby Boomers) that libraries would become seedier than flophouses and more dangerous than prisons. A library with surveillance cameras and armed security is an abomination.

Because of political correctness libraries have opened their doors wide to perverts, homeless and drug users. Thank God for the Internet, a respectable nerd like me has no need to visit these hellholes.

Read More:

http://www.denverpost.com/2017/07/07/denver-police-downtown-library-drug-use-illegal-activity/

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Cat Manicures? Give Me a Break!

“There are times we take matching fashion trends a tad bit too far, and this is probably one such instance. After Mother-daughter matching dresses, not to forget the age-old tradition of siblings – especially twins – being dressed alike, we now have fashion conscious pet owners getting their cat`s paws manicured and painted to match their own!

No kidding!

Though there is very basic problem with this trend, which is that nail polish should not be used on the claws of your pets because of the polish`s toxicity. However, there is a way out and doting pet owners have embraced with with perfectly manicured hands – nail caps. People have found out these nail caps to attach to their cat`s claws and then get matching nailpaint.”

Indian Express

I love cats, and I don`t spare any expense lavishing my kitties with toys and treats, and I can understand a cat lover obsessing over his or her beloved pets.

But I draw the line at a cat lady painting her feline`s claws to match her nails. A cat with manicured claws doesn`t look cute or attractive, it looks repulsive and freakish.

I would never let a woman style my hair to match hers, and I would never let her paint my cat`s claws to match her nails. I would kick that psycho bitc* to the curb, and never let her come anywhere near my babies again.

This is a deplorable trend that makes both cat lovers and cats look ridiculous.

Read More:

http://indianexpress.com/article/lifestyle/fashion/matching-cat-manicures-4742758/

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Pringles Announces limited Top Ramen-flavored Chips! Marriage Made in Hell!

“Canned potato chip brand Pringles has teamed up with Japan`s Nissin Top Ramen for an exclusive ramen-flavored chip.

The collaborative Nissin Top Ramen Chicken Flavor Pringles will be available exclusively at Dollar General stores for a limited time beginning at the end of July.

`Pringles flavorologists worked closely with Nissin to pop the top on a classic noodle dish and bring the fan-favorite Top Ramen Chicken Flavor to life on a Pringles crisp,` Pringles said in a press release. `The result – a crisp that tastes like Nissin Top Ramen Chicken Flavor right out of the bowl.`

The unusual chips will also retail at a special price of $1.50 per package, in reference to ramen`s reputation as a thrifty meal.”

UPI

Top Ramen is a prison staple and an integral pat of the diet of starving college students.

Top Ramen is the most popular item in the prison canteen, convicts know a thousand and one ways to prepare the instant noodles. Ladies, if your new boyfriend salivates over the Top Ramen in your pantry, he`s an ex-con, and next thing he will be looking at your brother with lust in his eyes.

When college kids blow their discretionary income on weed and pizza, they will hit their stash of Top Ramen. Every college dorm room has a bong, condoms, a laptop and a stash of Top Ramen.

I`ve never been incarcerated and Top Ramen wasn`t popular when I was in college, but there`s been a few times in my life when I`ve been down and out, and I`ve resorted to eating Top Ramen.

Pringles don`t have the texture or flavor of potato chips, they taste like Styrofoam and you have to slather them with hot sauce or ketchup they make them edible. Top Ramen-flavored Pringles is a snack that only Satan himself would enjoy, even inmates and college students wouldn`t defile themselves by eating this abomination.


Read More: https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/07/07/Pringles-announces-limited-Top-Ramen-flavored-chips/8611499451263/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=3

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Poland’s First Lady Refuses to Shake Hands With Donald Trump

“Donald Trump has only been in office for six months, but he already has a streak of awkward handshakes-or in this case, snubs-with world leaders. As the president and First Lady were greeting the Polish President Andrzej Duda and his wife, Agata Kornhauser-Duda, in Poland on Thursday, Kornhauser-Duda appeared to pass over the president and instead shook Melania Trump`s hand.

The video, which quickly went viral, shows the president turning toward Kornhauser-Duda for a handshake as she swiftly walks by him. Trump looks bewildered at this apparent rejection. (She did, later, shake the president`s hand after all.)”

Vanity Fair

Whenever Donald Trump meets a foreign dignitary you can count on two things: He will babble incoherently and he will botch the handshake. Is it any wonder that foreign leaders will do anything to avoid shaking hands with the idiot?

The Polish president`s wife was looking straight ahead at Melania when Trump offered to shake her hand, it wouldn`t be surprising if she failed to see his deformed little hand in her peripheral vision, but I think the slight was intentional.

Why would any civilized person want to shake Trump`s hands, God only knows what part of Putin`s body his diminutive hands were intimately caressing.

I might fist bump with Trump, but I would never shake hands with him. In fact, I`d rather punch his ugly orange face, even if it means that the Secret Service would riddle me with bullets, rather than shake hands with him.

Link to video: http://www.vanityfair.com/style/2017/07/first-lady-of-poland-avoided-donald-trump-handshake

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Donald Trump Says Mexico Will ‘Absolutely’ Pay for Wall

“President Donald Trump is still insisting that he wants Mexico to pay for the wall he wants to erect on the U.S.-Mexico border.
Sitting next to Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto at the G-20 summit in Germany, Trump told reporters Friday that he “absolutely” wants Mexico to fund the barrier. The pair made comments ahead of a bilateral meeting that included Trump`s top economic advisors.

Trump`s statement about the wall came in response to shouted questions from reporters after the leaders made statements, so it is unclear if Pena Nieto responded specifically to Trump`s wall comment.”
CNBC
During the election whenever Donald Trump wanted to elicit an enthusiastic response from a crowd he would promise to erect a wall between Mexico and the United States, and he would insist that Mexico would pay for it.
Since his election, every once in a while, Trump still makes perfunctory remarks about building the wall, but he has bigger fish to fry, namely trying to get his execrable health plan passed and dealing with all the Russia-related scandals.

Even his base knows that there`s a snowball`s chance in hell that the wall will be built, and and even slimmer chance that it will be financed by Mexico.

Mexico will erect a three inch phallic monument in honor of Trump before they pay for the damn wall. Trump is expending zero energy trying to get the wall built, but he doesn`t like admitting mistakes, and so he still pretends he`s serious about building it.

 Trump should give up his pipe dream of building the wall, and focus on renegotiating NAFTA with the Mexican president.

trump Read More: http://www.cnbc.com/2017/07/07/trump-absolutely-still-wants-mexico-to-pay-for-border-wall.html

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Even the Rasmussen Poll Shows Donald Trump’s Approval Rating in the Toilet

“The poll President Donald Trump has publicly touted isn`t bringing him much good news lately. The latest survey released by Rasmussen Reports Thursday found Trump`s approval rating his nearing his all-time low.
Just 44 percent of respondents approved of Trump`s job performance in the survey, while 56 percent disapproved. That`s just one percentage point better than the president`s lowest approval ever in the Rasmussen Reports tracking poll: He hit 43 percent approval on multiple occasions. But Trump had risen to 46 percent at the end of June, and he also tweeted out the results of the poll earlier in the month-when he rose to 50 percent approval.”
Newsweek
Rasmussen Reports is the Fox News of polls, when every poll finds Trump beneath water, Rasmussen can be counted on to be the outlier that finds him treading water. It begs the question does Rasmussen interview only schmucks who`ve purchased “Make America Great” hats?

When even the Rasmussen poll finds Trump`s approval rating nearing his all-time low is should be perceived as a clarion call by the president that his administration is in deep trouble.

Trump frequently cites Rasmussen to prove that he still enjoys a modicum of support, will he now declare that it`s a fake poll, like every other poll?

If Trump has his druthers he would officially make Fox News the state news network, and he would create a state poll that`s weighted in his favor.

Sorry Trump but this isn`t Russia or North Korea, and our independent and fair news outlets like MSNBC, CNN, ABC News and CBS News are going to report the truth that your administration is an abject failure, and the polls are going to report the truth that your ratings are in the toilet.

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Donald Trump: Dude Where’s My Limo?

“The scenes aired Monday on Fox News as President Trump landed at Joint Base Andrews airfield. He is seen stepping off the plane and waving to a gathered crowd. However, when he reaches the bottom of the steps, he seems to miss his ride-parked directly in front of the jet-and walks off in a different direction. Maybe, like his alternative facts, he just prefers alternative routes? Trump is then redirected to his awaiting car by an aide.”

Newsweek

The presidential limo is known as “Cadillac One” and “The Beast,” the sedan is longer than two large SUVs and weighs eight tons. Even Stevie Wonder wouldn`t miss the monstrosity if it pulled up in front of him.

But when President Donald Trump landed at Joint Base Andrews airfield, and stepped off the plane, he walked right by the limo that was parked directly in front of the jet. Trump was redirected to his limo by an aide.

This embarrassing incident has sparked rumors that Trump is suffering from dementia, here are a few solutions to prevent this from happening again:

The president likes to brand his properties with his name, why not install a neon “Trump” sign on top of the presidential limo?

New chauffeur: Kellyanne Conway butt naked, wearing only a “Make America Great Again” hat. The prez will never walk past his ride again.

Paint footprints on the ground leading from the plane to the limo.

Assign one of his Secret Service Agents (blond, female, hot) to hold his hand and lead him directly to the limo.

Have the limo driver honk the horn to get the attention of the clueless bastard.

Dear Lord, Trump has been in office for less than six months and he`s already embarrassed our country countless times.

Link to video http://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-limousine-631880

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Photo Credit: Wikipedia

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Great News! Robots Will be Flipping Burgers at CaliBurger Restaurants by 2018!

“A burger-flipping robot called Flippy will be at work in CaliBurger restaurants by early 2018.
Enter Miso Robotics. The southern California start-up has built a robotic kitchen assistant called Flippy to do the hot, greasy and repetitive work of a fry cook.

Flippy employs machine learning and computer vision to identify patties on a grill, track them as they cook, flip and then place them on a bun when they`re done.

Miso is part of a budding kitchen automation industry. Its peers include Zume Pizza, Cafe X, Makr Shakr, Frobot and Sally, which are developing robots to help commercial kitchens churn out pizzas, lattes, cocktails, frozen yogurt, and salads.”

CNBC

I`m down with the robot revolution, and the mechanical workers can begin by taking over menial jobs like flipping burgers. As a germaphobe I`d rather have a robot with stainless steel hands handling my burger than a pimply wanker.

A robot called Clerkie could handle the cash register, it wouldn`t take a computer expert to program it to say “Do you want fries with that?”

In fact, a fast food restaurant workforce composed entirely of robots would attract customers who appreciate efficient and courteous service. Burger joint bathrooms are usually a freaking mess, none of the low-paid employees wants to clean it. A robot wouldn`t have any reservations about cleaning toilets and mopping floors.

A robot isn`t going to contaminate your food, steal your identification or exhibit rude behavior, and it works for free! Humans suck, I will patronize any business that employs robots.

Read More: http://www.cnbc.com/2017/07/04/miso-robotics-is-bringing-artificial-intelligence-to-restaurants.html

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Mexican Mayor Marries Magnificent Crocodile

“The mayor of a Mexican town married a crocodile as part of a centuries-old tradition to bring an abundant harvest to the fishing town.
Mayor Victor Aguilar of San Pedro Huamelula wed his reptilian bride Friday in a ceremony symbolizing the union of two indigenous groups, the Chontales and the Huaves.
The mayor in the wedding ceremony represents the Chontales prince, while the crocodile represents the Huale princess.”
UPI
My thoughts:
The hapless crocodile`s mouth was duct taped shut, if anybody`s trap should be taped shut it should be the politician`s.

crocodile A groom is supposed to love and trust his bride, it doesn`t show much trust when you tape your bride`s yapper shut.

I could care less if marrying a crocodile to bring good luck is an ancient indigenous tradition, it`s still animal cruelty. A crocodile isn`t a prop, and it`s inhumane to tape his jaws.

It`s appropriate that the mayor married a reptile, I trust a politician as much as I trust a crocodile.
I hope that whatever deities the mayor and the townspeople were trying to appease, will smite their village.

Read More:
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/07/03/Mexican-mayor-marries-crocodile-in-traditional-ceremony/6131499099842/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=6

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Adele Has Shamed the UK and Show Biz! May God Have Mercy on Her!

“Fans have expressed their fury on social media after Adele cancelled two London concerts at the last minute, costing many people hundreds of pounds.
Some fans have said that she `has zero work ethic` and that it was greedy booking the extra dates if actually performing at them was beyond her capability.
On Friday, the `heartbroken` 29-year-old singer said in an emotional post that she was forced to cancel the gigs this weekend.
Daily Mail

I usually have the radio playing in the background when I`m writing my essays, but when an Adele song comes on, I stop typing and listen. Adele isn`t background music, she`s not ambient noise, her voice speaks to my heart and my soul and it demands my undivided attention.

I`ve written about a dozen articles in praise of Adele, but this time I must rebuke her in no uncertain terms. Adele may be a singer supreme, a national treasure and a diva, but she`s not exempt from abiding by the show biz maxim that the show must go on. I don`t care what vocal issues she may be suffering from, shame on her for canceling her gigs. Even if she suffered a stroke on stage, as long as her vocal chords weren`t paralyzed, I would expect her to finish her performance.

In the tour program that every concertgoer received Adele included this note:

Touring is a peculiar thing, it doesn`t suit me particularly well. I`m a real homebody and I get so much joy in the small things. Plus I`m dramatic and have a terrible history of touring. I only ever did this tour for you and to hopefully have an impact on you the way that some of my favorite artists have had on me live.”

Adele, please stop being such a drama queen, you shouldn`t have disappointed your loyal fans. You should have performed at every stop on your tour, and your fans would have understood if you gave up touring after the completion of your concert tour.

Adele you have shamed the United Kingdom and the show business profession, may the Almighty have mercy on your soul.

Read More:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4658636/Fans-fury-Adele-star-cancels-shows.html

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Make a Bucket List for Your Pooch

“Mister Molson`s cancer diagnosis wasn`t going to stop his family from enjoying their last months with him. With the tumor in the golden retriever`s nose growing larger, his owners have been taking him on daily bucket list adventures.
Tim Griffin, Molson`s owner, posted the list on a blog and asked readers for suggestions. Since his March diagnosis, Molson, 12, has gone to the beach, ridden in police cars and fire trucks, gotten married, become a service dog and more.”
USA Today
I imagine that Mister Molson`s bucket list wouldn`t include any of the items on the list his owner made for him. I don`t think the pooch dreams about flying a helicopter or riding in a sidecar. But these are all activities that the dog would participate in with his owner, a canine is happy doing anything with his owner.

My pooch, Mandy, doesn`t have a green thumb, but she enjoys hanging out with me when I`m puttering around in my garden.

What would a dog`s bucket list look like?
Chew my owner`s new universal remote control.
Take a dump on that grouchy neighbor`s lawn.
Impregnate that cute poodle.
Urinate on every fire hydrant in the neighborhood.
Lick my ass one last time.

Find a decomposing bone to gnaw.

 Don`t wait until your beloved animal companion is dying, show him some love now. All a pooch wants is to be with his master, include your dog in all of your favorite activities.

Read More:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/humankind/2017/06/30/dying-dogs-bucket-list-adventure-make-you-feel-better-world/440286001/

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Corey Lewandowski Calls Donald Trump ‘The Hemingway of Twitter’

“Corey Lewandowski likened President Donald Trump to author Ernest Hemingway, and the Twitterverse just couldn`t cope.

Tweeters were quick to poke fun at Trump`s onetime campaign manager after he claimed his former boss was the `Ernest Hemingway of Twitter` on Friday night`s broadcast of `Hannity` on Fox News.

Huffington Post

Hemingway`s economical style would have been a good fit for Twitter, but Lewandowski should burn in hell for comparing Trump to the Nobel Prize for Literature winner. That`s like comparing a toddler coloring in a color book to Picasso or Van Gogh.

Hemingway was a man`s man; he served as an ambulance driver during World War I, reported from the battlefield during the Spanish Civil War, and he was a war correspondent during World War II.

Trump is a sissy who plays at being macho; he body slammed Vince McMahon in WrestleMania 23, fired Gary Busey in Celebrity Apprentice, and engaged in epic Twitter feuds with the likes of Rosie O`Donnell and Arianna Huff.

Hemingway committed suicide, let`s hope and pray that Trump will kill himself, so that at least in the manner of death he will resemble the great writer.

Read More

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-corey-lewandowski-hemingway-twitter-mocked_us_59575568e4b02734df3291bc

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Even Fox News is Turning Against Donald Trump

“President Donald Trump`s tweets got tough coverage at Fox News Channel, a usually friendly media outlet.

The US leader was heavily criticised after he lambasted `Morning Joe` hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski for their coverage of his administration on Twitter – and was rude about Ms Brzezinski`s appearance.

`I heard poorly rated @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don`t watch anymore),` Mr Trump wrote. `Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year`s Eve, and insisted on joining me.`

He added: She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!”

Yahoo

Donald Trump religiously watches the Fox New Network, especially the “Fox and Friends” morning gabfest.

Whatever incoherent policy Trump`s advancing or whatever vulgar tweet he just posted, he can count on the “Fox and Friends” hosts to spin his shi* into gold.

But Trump`s latest ad hominem attack on Mika Brzezinski was so sexist and perverse that even the “Fair and Balanced” network criticized him.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith, the only politically moderate personality on the network , led his afternoon newscast with Trump`s profane Twitter rant, stating that some critics are calling it sexist cyber bullying.

“Media Buzz” host Howard Kurtz opined that it`s perfectly clear to people who aren`t paid to defend him that he crossed a line.

When Fox turns against Trump you know that he`s in deep trouble. Trump watches Fox for affirmation and moral support, and he tunes into MSNBC and CNN to get his daily fix of outrage. Trump thrives on chaos and controversy, and a few minutes of watching these cable outlets fuels his inferiority complex and he soon lashes out on Twitter.

When the “Fox and Friends” dimwits finally turn against Trump, he will probably suffer a heart attack or go bonkers and nuke North Korea or Canada.

Here`s wishing he suffers a heart attack soon.

Read More:

https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-apos-morning-joe-082000096.html

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