BlessU-2 Robot Priest is Superior to Pedophile Priests

“BlessU-2, which delivers blessings in five languages, is intended to trigger debate about the future of the church.

A robot priest that delivers blessings in five languages and beams light from its hands has been unveiled as part of an exhibition to mark the anniversary of the start of the Reformation, a Europe-wide religious, political and cultural upheaval sparked when Luther nailed his 95 theses to a church door in the town.

Half a millennium later, the robot, called BlessU-2, is intended to trigger debate about the future of the church and the potential of artificial intelligence.”

The Guardian

The robot padre is an answer to the two major problems facing the Roman Catholic Church: A critical shortage of clergy and pedophile priests.

BlessU-2 may beam light from its hands, but it isn`t going to use its mechanical hands to fondle little boys. Celibate robots are the answer to celibate priests with a prediction for molesting and raping young boys.

The Roman Catholic Church should replace all of their priests with mechanical ones, the critical shortage of clergy would immediately be solved, and the church wouldn`t have to spend millions in training ministers. If all of the robot priests are given male names, the church might see robot preachers as a divine answer.

The robot priests are limited in what they can do, they can recite blessings in five language and they can make their hands glow, that`s it. But come to think of it that`s all they really need to do, 99% of the duties the men of the cloth perform are religious tomfoolery. I`d be perfectly happy if my parish father was limited to reciting blessings.

I`m down with the robotic program, to hell with the flesh and blood pedophile priests, bring on the robot priests. Hallelujah! To hell with the “men of God”! Praise Jesus for the robots of God!

Read More:

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2017/may/30/robot-priest-blessu-2-germany-reformation-exhibition

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Maintenance Guy Plays With Homeowner’s Cat: Video

“I broke the pull string light switch in my laundry room.

cat My apartment maintenance guy came to fix it and had a great time playing with my cat on his way out.”

YouTube video description

When I lived in an apartment, I always hated it when the landlord scheduled the maintenance guy to make repairs while I was at work. I always wondered, will the dude go through my personal stuff, watch porn on my computer or tease my cats?

Nobody had surveillance cameras in their homes in those days, so God only knows what the dude did in my apartment. Now I have a home security system that includes surveillance cameras, but I still wouldn`t allow a contractor to work in my house when I`m not home.

It restores my faith in human nature that this maintenance guy fixed the problem and played with the cat.

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Tiger Woods Arrested on Suspicion of DUI! What’s Next: Retirement or Suicide?

Tiger Woods, golfing icon, was arrested on a DUI charge in Florida early Monday morning, and his mugshot has gone viral.

Tiger`s mugshot makes Nick Notle`s infamous mugshot look like a wedding photograph.

Dead Eyes

Unkempt hair

Scraggly goatee

Bloated face

Generic white T-shirt

Crooked mouth

This mugshot is a perfect representation of the dissolute state of Tiger`s soul. When Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant on November 27, 2009 he was exposed as a hypocrite and serial adulterer, and his golfing career and professional reputation has never recovered.

In his mugshot the disgraced golfer doesn`t look like the legend who mastered the greatest golf courses in the world, he looks like a homeless person who would be arrested if he tried sneaking into a golf resort.

If I met Woods looking like he does in his mugshot I wouldn`t know if I should give him a dollar or shoot him right between the eyes to put him out of his misery. Injuries and scandals have robbed Woods of his golfing skills, at this stage in his life and in his career he shouldn`t dismiss ritual suicide as a valid option.

Link to his mugshot:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4552628/Tiger-Woods-arrested-DUI.html

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Burger King Mascot Creepiest Mascot of All Time

“Belgium`s royal family says it has contacted the fast food chain Burger King over an ad that invites people to choose between the country`s King Philippe and the company`s mascot.

The ad, on whoistheking.be, asks those who choose Philippe: Are you sure? He won`t be the one to cook your fries.

A spokesman said the use of the king`s image must be approved by the royal family, but they had not been asked.

On the website, Philippe is represented by a cartoon.”

BBC

I love Burger King, I would be perfectly content to subsist on a diet of Whoppers and burgers for the rest of my life, however short that life may be.

But I loathe with an undying loathing the perpetually smiling, plastic-faced Burger King mascot, he is the creepiest fast food mascot of all time.

Any father would let his only daughter marry Ronald McDonald, rather than allow her go out on one date with the perversely creepy Burger King.

The Burger King corporation banished the loathsome king in 2011, but for some unfathomable reason he made a comeback in 2015.

I don`t live in Belgium but I went to the whoishteking.be Web site to vote for King Philippe over Burger King. I would vote for any world leader, including Kim Jong-un over the Burger King, with the exception of Donald Trump.

There`s nothing better in the world than biting into a juicy Big Whopper, but if a Burger King commercial featuring the Burger King comes on while I`m eating the burger, it would make me vomit.

Burger King would be well-advised to banish the Burger King forever!

Read More:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40073285

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Donald Trump’s Tweets May be Vetted by a Team of Lawyers

“The White House is considering having a team of lawyers approve Donald Trump`s tweets, The Wall Street Journal reported on Friday, citing an advisor to the president.

Although the idea is under consideration, Trump aides told the Journal that such a procedure would be hard to put in place.

If implemented, the move would certainly lift a burden on the White House press office, which often finds itself trying to explain why Trump`s tweets diverge so sharply from the tightly crafted official statements.”

CNBC

President Donald Trump finally realized that the shit has hit the fan, and it`s dripping all over him and his staff. Therefore he hired a New York-based lawyer Marc Kasowitz to represent him in the Justice Department Russiagate investigation.

Kasowitz has a reputation for being a tenacious litigator and he will fight the opposition tooth and nail, and he`s not going to put up with any tomfoolery from his client, Donald Trump.

It takes a team of attorneys to vett Trump`s tweets to protect him from slandering his enemies, but most importantly from incriminating himself.

Trump would be well-advised to also hire a grammatican to spellcheck and correct his grammatical mistakes. How can we convince our children that grammar matters when Trump`s tweets seem to be the handiwork of a monkey tapping at a keyboard.

Come to think of it, he should also hire a psychiatrist to look over his tweets. The shrink would be busy deleting all tweets that smack of paranoia and delusion.

Or Trump could just hire Mr. T as his social media guru, and if Trump so much as opens Twitter on his phone he would break his stubby little fingers.

Read More:

http://www.cnbc.com/2017/05/26/lawyers-may-vet-trump-tweets-white-house-weighs-strategy-shiftt.html

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A Tale Involving a Naked Burglar, a Bucket, and a $25,000 Swan Sculpture

“Authorities in Florida are asking for the public`s help finding a large $25,000 swan sculpture stolen by a naked man.

The Polk County Sheriff`s Office said surveillance cameras at Lakeland Cold Storage were recording just before 5 a.m. May 19 when a naked man carrying a 5-gallon bucket squeezed through a gap in the fence.
`Do you call that buck naked, or bucket naked?` the sheriff`s office quipped in a Facebook post.”

UPI

A sordid story involving a buck naked burglar, a bucket, and a $25,000 swan sculpture could only happen in Florida. I`m just surprised that the stolen item wasn`t a $2 plastic pink flamingo.

The burglar must have balls the size of bowling balls, it takes real balls to squeeze through a gap in a chain link fence when you are naked.

The burglar has been nabbed, but the swan is still missing. The naked burglar probably sold in on eBay for $20 so he could buy some meth.

God have mercy on Floridians.

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Donald Trump is Rapidly Deteriorating! He Must be Impeached!

“The way Donald Trumps speaking style has changed over the decades could point to a deterioration in the health of his brain, it has been claimed.

Researchers from the medical science website Stat analysed interviews the US President has given spanning decades, and then asked psychologists, psychiatrists and experts in cognitive assessment and neurolinguistics to assess the results.

In interviews in the 1980s, Mr Trump was noted as using sophisticated vocabulary and speaking articulately.

More recently, the President`s vocabulary is simpler, he repeats himself often and tends to jump from one subject to another.”

Independent

The dramatic decline in grammar and syntax can be due to a number of factors including:

Alcohol or drugs

Fatigue

Stress

Age

Mental issues

Frustration

Trump is a teetotaler and he doesn`t have a history of using controlled substances. During debates and interviews he sometimes sniffles as if he was tweaking, but that`s evidence of lying not cocaine use.

The Orange Menace is a workaholic and he gets by on four hours of sleep, fatigue won`t catch up with him until the Grim Reaper drags him to hell.

Trump thrives on stress and chaos, he doesn`t get stress, he stresses out everybody with the misfortune of having to business with him.

Donald Trump is 70-freaking-years-old, and nobody expects a septuagenarian to be as mentally agile as a middle-aged president like Barack Obama or George Bush. Trump`s grammar-impaired tweets and his bellicose and incoherent speeches would be enough to have him committed if he wasn`t so wealthy and powerful.

But age alone can`t explain the rapid deterioration of Trump`s speaking abilities, he has mental issues, or in Trumpspeak he`s freaking bonkers!

Frustration is also a factor in Trump`s declining speaking abilities, by his own admission he thought being president would be easier than running a financial empire or being a reality TV entertainer. Trump is incredibly frustrated that the courts are overturning his executive orders, and that he can`t get any major legislation through the Republican-controlled Congress. He is totally pissed off that the media are reporting the objective truth: That he`s an incompetent clown who is totally screwing everything up.

I pray that his resignation speech will be written by a professional speechwriter, so that at least his last speech as president will be coherent and worth preserving for future generations.

Read More: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-speaking-style-brain-health-questions-mental-research-a7756946.html

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Chinese Driver Uses Umbrella While Driving Convertible in Rain! Write Your Own Joke!

“A Chinese driver who apparently didn`t want to put his convertible top up in the rain was filmed driving down the highway with an umbrella.

The video, filmed earlier this month, shows a man driving a red Mercedes-Benz convertible during a rain storm in Guangyuan, Sichuan Province.”

UPI

If you look up the word “clueless” in the dictionary, you will see a photograph of this Chinese dude driving a convertible top up in the rain down the highway with an umbrella.

When I`m speeding down the freeway the last thing I want to see is an Asian driver holding an umbrella, I`d rather encounter a woman texting and applying makeup at the same time.

Asians are notoriously bad drivers, they shouldn`t be given a driver`s license unless they swear to always have both hands on the steering wheel in the 10 and 2 position.

This story confirms my belief that life is absurd, if life was fair this clueless clown would be driving a Ford Pinto and not a beautiful machine like a Mercedes-Benz convertible.

Link to video:

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/05/25/Man-holds-umbrella-while-driving-convertible-in-the-rain/3081495741280/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=3

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What’s the One App Donald Trump Should Have on His Phone?

“One fun thing: POTUS` current device is an iPhone with ONE app: Twitter.”

Axios

The average millennial has dozens of apps on his phone, it`s not surprising that a septuagenarian has only one. Considering how much trouble Trump has got into on Twitter, imagine the chaos if he learns about other apps like Tinder. The short-fingered vulgarian would be swiping right like crazy and hooking up with all sorts of skanks.

What is the one indispensable app that Trump should have on his iPhone:

INSTANT GRAMMAR AND SPELL CHECKER

This would be perfect for the grammar-challenged moron.

SNAPCHAT

The principal feature of Snapchat is that pictures and messages are only available for a short time before they become inaccessible. If Trump communicated only via Snapchat it would be less likely that his inane thoughts would go viral.

YOUTUBE

I would recommend that Trump subscribe to channels featuring makeup tutorials. What`s up with the orange complexion?

ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION APP

If I hear Trump mispronounce “China” one more time, I`m going bonkers!

FART SOUNDS PRANK

This fart sound app would provide countless hours of entertainment for Trump, he could drive Mike Pence to loss his salvation by blaming him for farting. If Trump spent his time farting around with this app he would have less time to destroy our country.

Dear loyal readers what`s the one app that you think Trump should have on his phone?

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Pope Francis Looks Mortified to be Taking Photo With Donald Trump

“All eyes were on the Vatican on Wednesday when Trump, along with members of his family and political inner circle, shared a private audience with the pontiff. Trump had a half hour of the pope`s time for a discussion; they also exchanged gifts and posed for pictures. One image in particular, of a grinning Trump next to a stone-faced Pope Francis, has gone viral.”

Time Magazine

Donald Trump`s daughter, Ivanka, and his wife Melania, are standing immediately to his right, dressed in black with their heads covered in black veils, they look like the most beautiful witches this side of hell.

On the other side of Trump, with a foot of separation,stands a stone-faced Pope Francis, looking dignified and resplendent in his white papal vestments and his white skullcap.

The pope was wearing a cross as big as Mack truck, let`s hope and pray that it provided him enough protection from the likes of the Trumps.

It looks like they posed for a photograph before they split ways, the Trumps to attend a Black Mass, and the pontiff to hear confession.

To show you the depravity of the human heart, I`d rather join a séance with the beautiful but evil Trump ladies than have an audience with Pope Francis.

Link to photo:

http://time.com/4792245/pope-francis-donald-trump-viral-photo/

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