Month: February 2017

Internet Aghast at Lady Gaga Flashing Her Beer Belly At Super Bowl Halftime Show!

In the aftermath of Lady Gaga`s fantastic Super Bowl performance her music sales and streaming stats are soaring. Lady Gaga is on top of the world, but I must do my journalistic due diligence and bring her back down to Earth.

I will stipulate that Gaga killed it, girlfriend did everything right: She jumped into the stadium, sang her heart out, let her song selection do all the preaching, and left the fans thirsting for more of her royal highness.

But her bouncing beer belly left a sour taste in my mind, it`s utterly unforgivable for a female artist to perform before a worldwide audience of a billion wearing a midriff baring outfit exposing her disgusting fat belly.

Gaga may have spent months preparing and training for her time in the stadium spotlight, but it wouldn`t have killed her to have done a few sit-ups in preparation.

Lady Gaga would be well-advised not to make another public appearance wearing an outfit that exposes her midriff until she loses that fat belly.

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Lena Dunham: Donald Trump Made Me Lose Weight

“Lena Dunham has Donald Trump to thank for her recent weight loss.
`Donald Trump became president and I stopped being able to eat food,` Dunham, 30, told Howard Stern on his SiriusXM show Monday (via Entertainment Weekly).

The actress, who has long been criticized for her body image, continued, `Everyone`s been asking like, What have you been doing?` And I`m like, `Try soul-crushing pain and devastation and hopelessness and you, too, will lose weight.`”

Page Six

Lena Dunham, who is infamous for having a big mouth and a fat ass, has lost a few pounds over the incompetent and outright evil Trump administration. The blowhard billionaire has been in office for less than a month, by the end of his first term Dunham should look like a normal human being.

Dunham credits Trump for her weight loss, I credit Dunham for my weight loss. After seeing Dunham butt-naked a couple of times on Girls, I made a vow to never let myself go to the point where I look like a pig.

Dunham, who was a fervent support of Hillary Clinton, vowed last year to move to Canada if Trump was elected, and the lying witch is still here.

I hope Dunham makes another vow, this time to not eat again until Trump releases his taxes. Of course Trump will never release his taxes, and if the morbidly obese actress keeps her word , she will wither away to nothing, to the delight of Americans off all political persuasions.

Read More:
http://pagesix.com/2017/02/06/lena-dunham-donald-trumps-election-made-me-lose-weight/

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Packets of Heroin Feature Donald Trump’s Name and Face

“In one of the largest drug busts in Hernando County, Fla., history, Sheriff`s Office deputies netted 5,500 packages of heroin, some of which bore Donald Trump`s name and face on the wrapping.”

New York Daily News

I wonder what will be Donald Trump`s reaction when he read this article. I`m sure Trump is familiar with this news story, a self-obsessed person like him must google himself every morning.

Considering Trump`s litigious nature will he sue the drug dealer for trademark infringement? But Trump loves to see his name on everything, so maybe he will bail out the suspect instead.

Having Trump`s name and face on the wrapping serves as a warning that heroin is a deadly drug, if nothing else the drug dealer should be commended for truth in advertising.

Trump`s administration has been such a nightmare and he`s been in office for less than a month, by the end of his administration we`re all going to be shooting heroin as a coping mechanism.

Read More:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/florida-police-seize-thousands-packets-trump-branded-heroin-article-1.2965294

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Dude Orders Flowers For His Pooch, Wife Not Upset

 

“With Valentine`s Day around the corner, many people are plotting displays of affection for their significant others. But is there any bond that can top the one we have with our pets?

Lily Cardone`s dad, for one, is celebrating the superlative connection he`s got with his dog Sebastian. When flowers arrived at their Florida house, his wife expected them to be for her, but she was sorely mistaken.

Instead, they were a get-well gift for Sebastian, who was recovering from ACL surgery. `Sebastian, Feel better, you`ll be back in the game very soon. Love, Daddy,` it read.”

Refinery 29

I love my pooch, Mandy, but if she was recovering from surgery I wouldn`t send her flowers, for one thing she doesn`t care for flowers judging by the way she tears up the flower bed in my backyard. For another I wouldn`t want my friends and family questioning my sanity.

When the flowers arrived the wife thought they were for her, but she wasn`t upset when she discovered they were for the canine, in fact she posted pics of the flowers and the family pooch on Facebook.

But if this dude ever forgets to send his wife flowers for her birthday or wedding anniversary, I`m sure he will be in the doghouse. I can imagine his wife`s reaction: You sent a flower arrangement to the dog when he was recovering from surgery, but you forgot to send me flowers for our anniversary? Get the hell out of my house, you can sleep in the doghouse the next couple of nights.

Valentine`s day is right around the corner, hmm what should I get Mandy?

http://www.refinery29.com/2017/02/139428/man-orders-dog-flowers

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Chelsea Clinton Must Be Politically Destroyed By Any Means Necessary

Publicly Democrats are united in trying to undermine the Trump administration, but behind closed doors they`ve been debating the best way to move forward.

The Sanders/Warner wing of the party wants to double down on socialism light and present a populist agenda that will appeal to middle class and working class voters. The establishment/pragmatist section of the party is persuaded that Hillary Clinton`s center/left platform would have prevailed against Trump, if only she hadn`t been such an unappealing and ineffectual candidate.

Since her stunning defeat Hillary has mulled running for mayor of New York City and hosting her own TV show, but these trial balloons have been met with indifference, if not outright anger. Most Democrats want Hillary to simply go away, they recognize her as an old brand that doesn`t hold any attraction for Millennials.

But a small but influential segment of the Democratic Party doesn`t want to see the end of the Clinton dynasty, and they are hoping that Chelsea Clinton will run for office. Indeed, Chelsea has been attempting to raise her profile by attacking Trump on his favorite social media platform, Twitter.

The emergence of Chelsea Clinton as a viable candidate is the worst thing possible for the Democratic Party. Chelsea`s political ambitions must be nipped in the bud, she must be stopped my any means necessary. All factions of the Democratic Party must unite in fighting the Clinton loyalists, and doing everything possible to destroy Chelsea. I hate to be redundant but Chelsea must be politically destroyed!

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Trump on ‘Killer’ Putin: ‘Is Our Country So Innocent’? Trump is Spot On!

“President Donald Trump said he respects Vladimir Putin, and when an interviewer called the Russian leader `a killer,` Trump said the United States has many of them.`What do you think? Our country`s so innocent?` he told Fox`s Bill O`Reilly in an excerpt released by the network.”

Bloomberg

Donald Trump doesn`t speak in the language of diplomacy, he speaks his mind bluntly in black and white terms. He paints in broad strokes, and there are only primary colors in his palette — no shades of gray.

Twitter was custom-made for Trump`s speech, don`t expect his ideas and philosophy (such as it is) in policy papers. American politicians and foreign leaders need to accept the reality that Trump doesn`t do nuance or introspection.

Not to put too fine a point on it but Vladimir Putin is a dictator, however I do respect his patriotism and his strong and decisive leadership. What is wrong with anybody with a modicum of integrity and intelligence respecting Putin`s good qualities?

Liberals, of all people, should applaud Trump`s rejoinder when when Bill O`Reilly referred to Putin as a “killer.” Indeed, is America so innocent? I`m cognizant that Putin was the former head of the KGB, but former President George H W Bush was the former head of the CIA. The litany of crimes against humanity committed by the CIA is no less deplorable than those perpetrated by the KGB.

Trump on Putin:

I respect a lot of people, but that doesn`t mean I`m going to get along with him. He`s a leader of his country. I say it`s better to get along with Russia than not. And if Russia helps us in the fight against ISIS, which is a major fight, and Islamic terrorism all over the world – that`s a good thing.

What the hell is controversial about Trump`s assessment of Putin? Instead of demonizing and provoking a leader who is sitting on top of a nuclear arsenal that can destroy the world many times over, we should be seeking to work with him whenever our aims and goals align, such as in the war against international terrorism.

Many of Trump`s policies are misguided, but his desire to build a good working relationship with Putin is not!

Read More:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-02-05/asked-about-putin-trump-says-us-isn-t-so-innocent

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Donald Trump Protesters as Unhinged as Punxsutawney Phil Protester

“Punxsutawney Phil may have predicted six more weeks of winter, but a lone protester in Michigan is going viral with a dissenting message: Impeach the groundhog!

Tony Lapekas, clad in a top hat inspired by the ones worn by the famous groundhog`s handlers, stood on a Kalamazoo street corner Thursday while holding a pair of signs reading, `Impeach the groundhog!` and `#NotMyWeatherMan,` the latter of which featured a drawing of a groundhog with a line through it.”

UPI

This solitary man protesting Punxsutawney Phil`s weather forecasting abilities reminds me of the millions protesting Donald Trump.

Trump has been in office less than a month, and already there are millions protesting and calling for his impeachment.

While I agree that Trump is in way over his head, we should at least give him enough time for him to demonstrate his incompetence.

Punxsutawney Phil is not my weatherman; I prefer to have my inaccurate forecast delivered by my local meteorologist. But like it or not, Donald Trump is everybody`s president. In the multiverse there are an infinite number of people in other universes saying that in an alternate universe Trump is the president – we live in that alternate reality.

You can`t maintain a perpetual state of outrage, liberals need to accept the fact that Trump is the president of the United States, and they need to calmly and methodically plan how to thwart his most outrageous policies.

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Outrage: Obama Wears His Hat Backwards

“Pictures and video emerged on Wednesday of very cool dad Barack Obama wearing a backwards hat whilst heading to the beach, decked out in all black, wearing short shorts and flip flops.”

Mashable

The Internet, understandably, went bonkers over the photographs of cool and dignified former President Obama chilling out on vacation rocking a backwards hat.

Obama has been out of office for only a couple of weeks, and already he`s throwing presidential decorum to the breezy winds of the British Virgin Islands.

In a couple of months will Obama ditch his presidential mom jeans for saggy pants that expose his boxers? Will Obama tell his political advisers to take a hike, and replace them with his high school Choom Gang? The devolution of Obama is a frightful thing to behold, with Trump in the White House we need him to retain at least a modicum of respectability.

One more thought: The fashion police should arrest anyone over the age of 29 who flips his cap backwards.

Read More:
http://mashable.com/2017/02/01/obama-backwards-hat-vacation/#CLHDSgAmoqqT

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Winona Ryder’s Facial Expressions: A Soothing Balm For This Chaotic World! Video!

“Winona Ryder ended up becoming the most memorable attendant of the Screen Actors Guild Awards on Sunday after her hilarious series of expressive reactions to actor David Harbour`s speech swept the internet.

The actress, who stars alongside David in hit Netflix series `Stranger Things,` could not control her wide-reaching range of emotions when her co-star chose to deliver a rousing speech as the cast were given the award for Best Ensemble Drama.

Winona, 45, seemed somewhat unprepared for the actor`s powerful and moving speech and led viewers on the journey of her reactions with increasingly dramatic facial expressions.”

Fox News

There is but one item on my bucket list: Winona Ryder

Before I give up the ghost I want to spend one day and one night with Winona. That one transcendent day will more than compensate for a lifetime of disappointments and failures.

We would spend the entire day on a shoplifting spree, Winona would do all the shoplifting, and I would serve only as a distraction for the loss prevention officers.

That larcenous day would put a glow in my idol`s face, and it would render her in the perfect state of body and mind to knock boots with me all night long.

The kaleidoscope of facial expressions that Winona would make while we are engaged in an epic session of lovemaking would surely stop my heart, and at that point I wouldn`t care if I woke up in heaven or hell.

Until that glorious day when my wish is fulfilled, I have the video collage of Winona`s sexy and adorable facial expressions.

Read More:

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2017/01/30/winona-ryder-mocked-for-facial-expressions-at-sag-awards.html

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Sharknado 5: The End of Western Civilization?

“Principal photography began on Sharknado 5 in Bulgaria Thursday, Syfy and The Asylum announced.

The latest installment in the over-the-top, creature-feature/disaster-picture franchise will once again star Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and Cassie Scerbo.

Sharknado 5, which sees the deadly weather phenomenon of shark-infested storms bombard cities around the world, will film in more than five countries.”

UPI

Sharknado was a slightly entertaining 2013 made-for-television disaster film about waterspouts that lift sharks out of the ocean and deposits them in the mean streets of Los Angeles – as if the City of Angels didn`t already have its hands full with gangbangers shooting innocent bystanders, homeless defecating and urinating in streets, and Hollywood starlets going bonkers.

It was difficult for critics and regular folks to hate Sharknado, it was what it was: A goofy, zany, over-the-top piece of fluff.

But the Sharknado franchise jumped the shark with its first sequel, nobody, absolutely nobody was clamoring for a sequel. We`re not talking the Jaws franchise, after the 2nd sequel film aficionados put out hits on the director, producer and stars of the Sharknado movies.

Enough is enough! When Sharknado 5 hits the small screens it just might trigger the Zombie Apocalypse, and I for one would be perfectly happy. I`d rather deal with brain-eating Zombies than CGI sharks.

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Donald Trump Takes Hair-Growth Drug

“President Trump takes medication for three ailments, including a prostate-related drug to promote hair growth, Mr. Trump`s longtime physician, Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, said in a series of recent interviews.

The other drugs are antibiotics to control rosacea, a common skin problem, and a statin for elevated blood cholesterol and lipids.

Dr. Bornstein, who spoke by telephone in four interviews over the past month, also said that Mr. Trump takes a daily baby aspirin to reduce the risk of a heart attack. Over all, he pronounced Mr. Trump healthy and his medical care as exactly up to date.”

New York Times

Baby hair is a very thin, soft, white, downy hair found on the body of a newborn baby and on top of Donald Trump`s scalp. Trump would be well-advised to go the Chuck Schumer route and undergo hair plug surgery instead of taking a drug that promotes the growth of baby hair.

I was under the impression that Trump`s unusual orange-tinted complexion was the result of fake spray tan, but if he`s suffering from rosacea he deserves my sympathy instead of my ridicule.

As for why Trump takes baby aspirin, maybe it`s not to reduce the risk of a heart attack, it could be that Dr. Bornstein, 69, is as demented as his patient, and prescribes it only because he`s thrown off by Trump`s baby hands.

The bad news is that the good doctor pronounced Trump in excellent health, we can`t count on the Grim Reaper taking him to hell before his term is over.

Read More: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/01/us/politics/trump-prostate-drug-hair-harold-bornstein.html?_r=0

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Hillary Clinton Writing Book of Personal Essays! Boring!

“Simon & Schuster will publish a collection of personal essays by Hillary Clinton this fall, the Associated Press reports. The inspiration is “favorite quotations she has drawn upon,” though it will also include some material on the 2016 presidential race.

Clinton is the author of several other books, including Hard Choices; Living History; Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids` Letters to the First Pets; and It Takes a Village – the latter of which will be reissued this year.
Along with the personal-essay collection, the AP reports that she`ll be working with the speakers bureau Harry Walker Agency again.

As for the still-untitled book, it will presumably include a foreword by Katy Perry.”

NYMag.Com

Hillary Clinton has been in the public eye for decades, and we know everything about her politics, all-consuming ambition, and corruption, but we know next to nothing about her personal life.

Hillary is the least transparent politician in recent history, and I`m quite sure that her “personal essays” won`t reveal a kernel about her inner thoughts or her personal life. It would take a village of editors to persuade Hillary to reveal anything about her personal life.

Here are the essays that I wish would be included in her upcoming book:

Huma Abedin: The love of my life.

I will never get over the humiliation of losing to Donald Trump.

Webster Hubbell: The real father of my daughter Chelsea.

The dairy of a pantsuit-clad demented witch.

I got your server right here Mr. FBI director!

Life is too short to read even one boring essay from Hillary`s collection of essays, Katy Perry may be the only person to actually buy her book.

Read More:

http://nymag.com/thecut/2017/02/hillary-clinton-is-writing-a-book-of-personal-essays.html

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