Robert Paul Reyes: My Death Wish List for 2017

The Grim Reaper was busy in 2016 culling the best and brightest from the realms of entertainment, sports and politics. The death of icons like Muhammad Ali, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher and John Glenn left a deep void in our culture.

The Grim Reaper never takes a holiday, and he will be busy again in 2017 snuffing out the brightest lights, but I hope he will take out these dim bulbs next year:

The Kardashian Sluts

The Kardashian women are indistinguishable from one another. They all have surgically-enhanced body parts, a penchant for dating black rappers and athletes, and a love for the limelight. They have no talent, and are famous for being famous. Let`s hope and pray they achieve immortality be dying together in a plane crash.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary is a decrepit old hag and she should have died years ago, but her pride and stubbornness will fortify her will into her 90`s. I`m keeping my fingers crossed that a killer clown will dispatch her to hell before she mounts yet another presidential campaign.

Nancy Pelosi

Pelosi is older than Methuselah and as wicked as the devil, if she doesn`t die of Botox poisoning in 2017 there is no God.

Oprah Winfrey

If pride comes before a fall, then it`s high time that Oprah falls straight into the fiery pit of hell.

Katie Couric

The only thing that Couric ever had going for her was her perkiness, but age extinguished her perkiness decades ago, she`s past her expiration date.

Mariah Carey

Carey was one of the brightest stars of the 90`s, but nobody has nostalgia for that forgettable decade, and nobody would miss her if the Grim Reaper dragged her to hell.

Lady Gaga

Her final performance act in 2017 should be ritual suicide on stage.

Nicki Minaj

Barbie? Really? Barbie doesn`t have a grotesquely fat butt! Enough said!

Meryl Streep

Enough is enough! I hope the Grim Reaper takes her out before she`s nominated for yet another award.


That means any feminist who complains that I included only women on my list.

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Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin: Lovers Together Again!

“Hillary Clinton and top aide Huma Abedin were pictured together on Thursday for the first time since losing the presidential election.

The pair chatted and Abedin smiled as they walked out of Clinton`s office in the Midtown neighborhood of New York City.

They had spent five hours inside the office before Abedin and an unidentified woman walked Clinton to a waiting vehicle and sent her on her way with a box of documents.” Daily Mail

Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin emerged from their five hour “conference” with lipstick smeared, hair disheveled and clothing ruffled. Not really, Hillary is more discrete than her philandering spouse, she has managed to indulge in countless lesbian affairs without sparking controversy or outrage.

I`m not an expert on lesbian love talk, but I imagine that Hillary`s first words to Huma were: I wish I knew how to quit you! Since Hillary`s humiliating defeat she has kept her distance from her longtime aide/lover, it`s not surprising that their first meeting in weeks lasting five hours.

It appears that Hillary has forgiven Huma for not safeguarding her emails from her pedophile husband. Hillary will never again be a viable presidential candidate, she might as well come out of the closet, and publicly declare her undying love for Huma.

In a perfect world Hillary would embrace her lesbian identity and devote the rest of her life, with Huma by her side, advocating for gay and lesbian rights. But in the real world, the old hag will pretend she`s heterosexual until the Grim Reaper drags her to hell.


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Autopsy of Hillary Clinton’s Campaign by Robert Paul Reyes

In her 2016 presidential campaign Hillary Clinton surrounded herself with sycophants, big donors, and campaign aides who had stood by her for decades.

When you`re surrounded by enablers who tell you that your feces smells like perfume, your screeching voice sounds like a tape of ambient sounds calculated to lull listeners to sleep, and your seizures are an endearing physical trait, of course you`re going to think you`re invincible.

If the electorate were compromised primarily of feminists, lesbians, and establishment Democrats Hillary would have won in a landslide.

It`s impossible to exaggerate what an overwhelming favorite Hillary was both in her primary fight against Senator Bernie Sanders and in the general election clash against Donald Trump. Hillary was the most formidable non-incumbent front-runner for the White House in modern political history.

Hillary`s hubris led her to underestimate Sander`s appeal from the get-go, and she didn`t take him seriously until he started to win one contest after another. It was only because the Democratic primary system was rigged against Sanders, that she was able to finally prevail against the cranky Socialist Jewish septuagenarian.

A primary that was expected to be a coronation turned into a bruising marathon — exposing the lack of enthusiasm for Hillary, particularly among Millennials, African Americans and Latinos.

Hillary didn`t learn any lessons from her epic battle with Sanders, her pride was intact, and she felt she didn`t need to come up with a comprehensive strategy to defeat Donald Trump. Her campaign message was basically: Donald Trump is a racist clown, and I`m an enlightened progressive with a vagina.

Hilary has blamed FBI director James Comey, Putin, and the leaked Podesta emails for her humiliating loss. But Hillary lost to a billionaire buffoon because she was a weak candidate with a weak message and a weak political strategy of ignoring the blue states of Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania.

The 2016 presidential election doesn`t mean that America embraced the racism and pessimism of Donald Trump, so much as it signifies that we rejected the corruption, pride and status quo inertia of Hillary Clinton.

Trump wasn`t the best candidate we have seen, but arguably Hillary was the worst candidate in modern political history.

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Crooked Hillary Clinton Comes Out of the Woods to Praise Reprobate Harry Reid


After her humiliating defeat at the hands of a clueless clown, Hillary Clinton has been seen by concerned citizens roaming the woods near her home in Chappaqua.

Hillary ditched her trademark pantsuits and designer shoes for a warm coat sensible pants and hiking boots.

Most of us were hoping and praying that dementia had finally taken complete hold of her, and that she would roam the woods forever, never to emerge as a credible politician again.   

Alas, Hillary left the woods of Westchester County to visit Capitol Hill on Thursday for a ceremony honoring retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.

It’s altogether fitting and proper that a decrepit old political hack like Reid was honored by a putrid fossil the likes of Hilary.

For the occasion, Hillary donned a purple pantsuit, the same royal color she wore for her concession speech.

Hillary can’t get it through her thick skull that the electorate has rejected the Clinton dynasty.

We’ve had our fill of Hillary’s speeches; we weren’t waiting with bated breath for her to pay tribute to an old reprobate.

For God’s sake Hillary, your reign is over, return to the freaking woods. 

Donald Trump Should Waterboard Hillary Clinton


“Donald Trump will not appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Hillary Clinton, campaign manager Kellyanne Conway announced on Tuesday, reneging on one of his signature campaign promises.

Conway said Trump won’t pursue charges against Clinton for her use of a private email server as secretary of state, nor her potential conflicts of interest with the Clinton Foundation, because he wants to help her heal.”

Policy Mic

The highlight of Donald Trump’s stump speech on the campaign trail was when he threatened to pursue charges against Hillary; he would be drowned out with cries of: Lock Her Up!  It was a cathartic experience, like a call and response interaction between a pastor and his congregation at a black church.

Trump must keep his two signature campaign promises if he wants to keep faith with his supporters: Build a beautiful wall between Mexico and the United States, and lock Hillary up inside the drab walls of a penitentiary.

Why is Trump reneging on his solemn pledge to lock the witch up; Hillary is the most despised woman in America and nobody would shed a tear if she’s convicted.
Even Hillary would be happier in the Big House; she would enjoy free rein to be a lesbian.

But if Trump isn’t going to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the myriad Clinton scandals, the least he can do it waterboard the bitch.

Of course Trump doesn’t have the physical wherewithal to waterboard Hillary; his tiny hands are incapable of holding her head under water. But he can delegate the task to the likes of Rudy Gulliani; can you imagine the glee of pure happiness in his eyes as he’s waterboarding Hillary?

Or he could assign the task to his 12-year-old son Barron, he has much bigger hands than his daddy, and he would certainly be making America Great Again by punishing Hillary for her decades of corruption and evildoing.
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Hillary Clinton Doll Dangling From Metal Hook in Store! Free Speech or Hate Speech?


“A Hillary Clinton doll dangles from a metal hook next to a `Make America Great Again` sign inside the Pleasant View Orchards store in Smithfield. It has some customers up in arms, but owner Anthony Polseno says it`s not meant to offend.

When word spread about the doll, it led some people to take to the internet describing their outrage through reviews. One saying in part, `having a doll of Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State with a noose around her neck? that is not only so disrespectful but misogynistic and hateful.`

Polseno, who`s run the orchard for 50 years, says the doll was a gift from a customer. But, the complaints started before the Clinton doll, they began when he first hung his Donald Trump `Make America Great Again` sign. “

ABC News

Poleseno`s Hillary doll dangling from a metal hook next to a “Make America Great Again” sign in his business may be in bad taste, but it`s an example of constitutionally protected free speech.

If a customer is offended by the Hillary doll, instead of getting his panties in a twist; he should simply not patronize Pleasant View Orchards.

In my opinion a Hillary Clinton doll dangling from a metal hook is a vivid example of Making America Great. Political discourse whether it takes the form of speech, performance art or an effigy of a politician dangling from a metal hook is democracy in action. I thank God we live in a free country where we won`t be fined or jailed for ridiculing or criticizing politicians.

I wish I had a Hillary Clinton doll that I could dangle from my front porch; the humiliated political hack needs to be reminded that she is despised by most Americans.

Hillary if you`re thinking of running again in 2020, please take a good look at your likeness dangling in this patriot`s place of business.

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Photo Credit: Wikipedia

Hillary Clinton Must Disappear for the Good of the Democratic Party


Hillary Clinton has been keeping a low profile since she suffered the humiliation of losing to a clown with an orange face, tiny hands and the most famous micropenis in the world.

She`s been behaving like a typical grandmother: Hiking, walking her pooch, and browsing at bookstores. Chappaqua residents who are unfamiliar with Hillary`s decades of political corruption, might think she`s just a friendly well-to-do grandma enjoying her golden years.

The Hillary who mocked Donald Trump on the campaign trail, and who was loud, shrill and annoying in her stump speech, is finally quiet. (God, I thought nothing could silence the witch)

But those of us who recognize Hillary as a nasty woman shouldn`t let down our guard, the demon-possessed wretch may yet make another run for the White House.

Hillary announced last week that she would support recounts in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania, that doesn`t sound to me like a witch who will ride off in a broom into the sunset, and never be heard from again.

Patriots must be ever vigilant, and not give Hillary a moment of peace until the Grim Reaper drags her away to hell.

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Photo Credit: Wikipedia

Snoop Dogg and Hillary Clinton Follow Each Other on Twitter


“Since Hillary Clinton lost the presidential election she has gone for a relaxing hike in the woods, browsed a bookstore and stopped by the grocery store to stock up on cheese.

But perhaps her most amazing move since Election Day took place recently, when she made the decision to follow her loyal fan, Snoop Dogg, on Twitter.

Snoop, the rapper and avid Clinton supporter, has not been shy about his political preferences. In fact, he was so upset by the results of the election that he asked his buddy Drake to help him flee the country and start a new life in Canada.”


Let me start this essay by pleading with Snoop Dog not to flee to Canada, America can`t survive a Trump administration without his cool and calming presence.

Now that Hillary has lost the election and her political career is over, and maintaining a pristine public image is no longer a necessity, she should let her hair down, and stock up on weed, instead of cheese. Her online buddy, Snoop Dogg, can hook her up with the best grass in the world.

I`m not a fan of crooked Hillary Clinton, but Snoop Dogg is my idol, and I hope and pray that he stays in America and continues to bless us with his music.

With Snoop blasting on my stereo, and my  survival kit consisting of the dankest marijuana, I`m ready to survive a Zombie Apocalypse and a Trump administration.

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Photo Credit: Wikipedia

Hillary Clinton’s Post-Election No-Makeup Face Rocks


For the next four, or if God is especially cruel and vindictive eight years, we will be seeing Donald Trump`s orange-hued face on our television screens, magazines covers and the front pages of newspapers — a silent indictment that we have elected a clown to the most important office in the world.

But we may never again see carefully coiffed, pancake-makeup Hillary Clinton, her post-election look is minimalist and natural. Gone is the hairspray, collagen injections and mascara.

The post-apocalypse Hillary that we have seen walking her dog, and browsing at a bookstore looks like a grandmother who has accepted her senior status with dignity and grace.

I`m not sure there`s an authentic version of Hillary Clinton, she`s deceitful to the core, but she certainly looks more approachable in her plain new look.

If God has mercy on us we will never see the dolled up Hillary again, because that could only mean that she`s getting ready to run for president in 2020.

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Photo Credit: Wikipedia