xmas

My Annal Mariah Carey Christmas Essay

Hate me if you will, but I will once again post my annual Mariah Carey Christmas essay:

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go. There’s a slightly inebriated Santa at the local mall, a Salvation Army bell ringer soliciting spare change outside the Dollar General, giant inflated Santas promoting kitsch, and Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is You” blaring from every radio, stereo and public address system. And of course, it once again occupies its exalted place at No. 1 of Billboard’s Top 100 Holiday songs.

Evangelicals have never held so much political power at a time when America has never been more secular. It’s not the Christmas hymns of yore that resonate with Americans, but the secular chestnuts of recent vintage like “Last Christmas” by Wham, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson Five, and of course “All I Want for Christmas is You” by the Queen of Christmas.

Mariah has supplanted the Virgin Mary as the most revered female of the Christmas season. The mother of Jesus, being a virgin, simply cannot compete with the playful sensuality and unbridled joy manifest in all of Carey’s musical catalog, especially “All I Want…”

I take my duty as an ambassador for the Queen of Christmas seriously, by having her iconic Xmas song playing in repeat on all my audio devices, by sending Mariah memes to all my friends and enemies and by continuing my tradition of writing my annual Mariah Christmas essay.

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You (Official Video)

GOP Congressman Sparks Outrage for Family Christmas Pic with Guns Days After School Shooting

“A US congressman has posted a Christmas picture of himself and what appears to be his family, smiling and posing with an assortment of guns, just days after four teenagers were killed in a shooting at a high school in Michigan.

Thomas Massie of Kentucky tweeted: ‘Merry Christmas! ps. Santa, please bring ammo.’”

The Guardian

When politicians mail Christmas cards to their constituents or post Christmas images on Twitter, they usually take one of the following routes:

Corny

They will don nauseatingly cheesy yuletide sweaters and pose in front of a Christmas tree, hoping that the self-deprecating image will elicit votes.

Religious

They will pose in front of a nativity scene with a banner reading “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” in the background, trusting that their display of religiosity will translate into votes.

Secular

They will dress like Santa and pose in front of a sleigh laden with gifts, believing that their secular take on Xmas will appeal to voters of all religions.

Rep. Thomas Massie took a different approach, he posted a pic of himself and his family wearing shit-eating grins and brandishing assault rifles. I guess he wants to appeal to the Republican base, gun-toting fanatics.

It’s an indictment of our democracy that Massie’s Christmas image will be successful in burnishing his image.

Donald Trump’s Huge Christmas Cards Are An Abomination

I love most of the trappings of Christmas, come the Holiday Season I want to get drunk on eggnog, park my chair under the mistletoe, and invite Christmas carolers to serenade me while I take a bath.

But there is one Christmas ritual that I loathe: Sending Christmas cards.

It`s a colossal waste of paper, what with Christmas cards and Christmas trees saving the planet really takes a back seat on Christmas.

It`s nerve-wracking trying to remember which of the persons I sent a card last year didn`t reciprocate. You really feel like a Tiny Tim loser when you send someone a Christmas card, and they blow you off.

They are sent out of a sense of social duty, not because you are filled with a warm and fuzzy Yuletide spirit.

That`s why I gave up sending Christmas cards years ago, I hope they will soon become as obsolete as stamps.

There are some wankers who still send out Xmas cards, for example Donald Trump sent poster-size ones to Congressional offices this year. It is a huge breach of etiquette to send out a gigantic Christmas card that can double as a placemat.

Receiving a Christmas card from Trump is like receiving one from Scrooge, the Grinch or the Antichrist.

Bah humbug, screw Donald Trump and his big ass Christmas cards!

Pic of Trump`s huge Christmas Card:

http://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-melania-trump-large-christmas-card-eric-swalwell-755780

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Nativity Scene Gone to the Dogs

“A woman has been overwhelmed by the response to her dog nativity scene after a photograph posted on Twitter was liked more than 83,000 times.

Jo Kingston, who runs a dog walking and grooming business in Mountsorrel, Leicestershire, said `it`s gone bonkers`.

BBC

A Nativity Scene fills Christians with a feeling of hope and promise that into this world of sin and sorrow a Savior is born.

Non-Christians may walk by a Nativity Scene and consider it just another symbol of the Holiday Season.

But nobody can look at this blessed pic of a Doggie Nativity Scene and not exclaim: IT`S A WONDERFUL WORLD!

Merry Christmas!

Pic of Dog Nativity Scene:

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leicestershire-42430724

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Top Christmas Gifts For Your Cat

I love all the trappings of Christmas: The mistletoe hanging in the office, houses festooned with Christmas lights, carolers serenading commuters, and stockings hanging by the fireplace.

Not everyone has a fireplace, but everybody should hang Yuletide stockings somewhere for all the members of their family, including the four-legged ones.

My cats, Tico and Ebony, have frayed their stockings, they treat them like a scratching post.

Which brings us to the question: What toys should you get your felines for Christmas?

Any Toy That Encourages Your Kitty to be Active

Cats are the laziest creatures on Earth, if my pets find a warm spot, they won`t move until they need to eat or use the litter box. Buy them a cat tunnel or a mechanical mouse that will inspire them to get off their fat butts.

Any Toy That Has Catnip

Humans have their eggnog and a holiday bong, it`s only fair that we provide our kitties with catnip. Your neighborhood pet store has dozens of toys that have catnip stored in them that`s released slowly while your cats are playing.

A Super Deluxe Litter Box

Too many cat owners just buy the cheapest litter box they can find, and keep the damn thing until it falls apart. Is it any wonder that some cats make it a point to defecate OUTSIDE the litter box? At the minimum a litter box should have a lid. Would you feel comfortable taking a crap in a bathroom that doesn`t have a door?

Another Cat

Cats are independent, but that doesn`t mean they enjoy being alone for hours at a time while you are at work. A good idea would be to foster a cat from a shelter, and if it gets along with your furball, adopt it.

Food

You can`t go wrong if you fill your cat`s stocking with his favorite gourmet treats.

If you don`t have a cat, adopt one from your local animal shelter as a Christmas gift to yourself.

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