mariah carey

My Annal Mariah Carey Christmas Essay

Hate me if you will, but I will once again post my annual Mariah Carey Christmas essay:

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go. There’s a slightly inebriated Santa at the local mall, a Salvation Army bell ringer soliciting spare change outside the Dollar General, giant inflated Santas promoting kitsch, and Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is You” blaring from every radio, stereo and public address system. And of course, it once again occupies its exalted place at No. 1 of Billboard’s Top 100 Holiday songs.

Evangelicals have never held so much political power at a time when America has never been more secular. It’s not the Christmas hymns of yore that resonate with Americans, but the secular chestnuts of recent vintage like “Last Christmas” by Wham, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson Five, and of course “All I Want for Christmas is You” by the Queen of Christmas.

Mariah has supplanted the Virgin Mary as the most revered female of the Christmas season. The mother of Jesus, being a virgin, simply cannot compete with the playful sensuality and unbridled joy manifest in all of Carey’s musical catalog, especially “All I Want…”

I take my duty as an ambassador for the Queen of Christmas seriously, by having her iconic Xmas song playing in repeat on all my audio devices, by sending Mariah memes to all my friends and enemies and by continuing my tradition of writing my annual Mariah Christmas essay.

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You (Official Video)

My Annual Thanksgiving List of Things I’m Grateful For

The older you get the more your circle of friends and family shrinks, until you have more memories than loved ones. This Thanksgiving Day I don’t have a long list of people that I’m grateful for, but I am thankful for these three special souls every day of the year.

I am thankful for my pooch Princess, and yes, she’s a person. There isn’t a human alive who will love you unconditionally, even the love of your life will sometimes resent you because of your annoying tics, bad habits and serious shortcomings.

But a dog will love you forever, and Princess will always consider me a prince worthy of love, devotion and loyalty even though I resemble a rouge more than royalty. Princess is always happy to see me, and she always greets me with a wagging tail and smiling eyes. Even now as I’m writing this essay, she’s looking at me with curiosity, everything that I do fascinates her.

I love all of my siblings, but I am especially grateful for my sister Jackie. Whenever we chat or text, whether the conversation is trivial or serious, I always feel better afterwards. I don’t have to walk on eggshells or pretend to be someone that I’m not, we’re on the same wavelength. I’m sad that I won’t spend this Thanksgiving with her, but I’m happy she’s coming to visit me in December.

The third person I’m grateful for is the Queen of Christmas, Mariah Carey. For me there aren’t 12 days of Christmas, but 55, I start playing the Queen’s Christmas songs on November 1.  The Christmas Diva’s vocal register can only be matched by the angelic choir. As far as I’m concerned, every Nativity scene should include Mariah Carey welcoming the Baby Jesus to this sinful world with her heavenly voice. It may be Thanksgiving, but it’s not too early to meditate on Christmas. All I want for Christmas is Mariah Carey on my stereo.

My Annual Mariah Carey Christmas Essay

Queen of Christmas

It’s Christmas time and some writers will wax eloquent about peace on Earth and good will toward men, and others will expound on the religious significance of the holiday, but for me the most important aspect of the Yuletide season is the heavenly voice of the Queen of Christmas singing “All I Want for Christmas is You”.

It’s not Christmas until I hear Mariah Carey’s iconic Christmas song for the first time on the radio. When I heard the diva’s signature holiday song on the radio in late-November for the first time, it reminded me that it was time to turn the page from Thanksgiving to Noel.

Christmas without “All I Want for Christmas” is like Thanksgiving without a turkey, Halloween without candy and Valentine’s Day without someone special in your arms.

I live in a part of the country were it almost never snows on Christmas, but I can do without the snow, the tinsel, the presents and the tree decorated with ornaments. I’m good, as long as “All I Want for Christmas is You” in playing on a loop in my home.

It’s Christmas and I don’t have visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, I have visions of the Queen of Christmas dancing and cavorting with Santa Claus while singing her classic song.

Merry Christmas and may you experience the true meaning of the holiday: enjoying the heavenly voice of Mariah as everyone else is running to and fro buying presents, getting plastered at parties and hanging decorations.

All I Want for Christmas is Mariah Carey, the Queen of Christmas, Singing Her Iconic Xmas Song

All I want for Christmas is Peace on Earth, snow covered streets and Mariah Carey’s angelic voice singing “All I Want for Christmas is You.”

“All I Want for Christmas” is as iconic a X-mas song as “Rudolph the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, “Silent Night” and “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.”

Christmas without “All I Want for Christmas” is like Thanksgiving without a turkey and Halloween without a Jack O’Lantern.

Mariah Carey is the Queen of Christmas and woe is unto us if we don’t pay her homage by playing her signature song every day on the 24 days of Christmas.

The diva’s classic song just set a record on Christmas Eve, for the biggest single-day stream in Spotify history with 17 million streams. When I go to heaven, I expect her holiday hit to be playing on an eternal loop. Even the angels in heaven have enough sense to shut up and just like Mariah do her thing.

Until St. Peter welcomes me to paradise I will be playing “All I Want for Christmas” every Christmas just as I have been doing every year since 1994 when the Queen of Christmas blessed humanity by releasing her timeless classic.

Nothing Says ‘Merry Christmas’ Like a Skinny Mariah, a Fat Blunt, a Purring Cat, and a Roaring Fire

Nothing says Christmas bliss like lighting up the Yuletide bong, sitting in front of a crackling fireplace, with your kitty cat purring on your lap.

If a gang of Grinch`s invading my home, and stole all my Earthly possessions, I wouldn`t mind as long as they didn`t grab my bong or my cat.

In fact, I would be chill even if the Zombie Apocalypse breaks out, as long as I`m warm inside my little pink house with my cats, and my pooch.

It`s Christmas time and everybody deserves to be blissed out, but if you don`t have a fireplace or a cat, don`t despair.

Lil BUB`s Extraordinarily Magical Yule Log video features the soothing sounds of Lil BUB purring in front of a fireplace.

Dude, you really don`t even need any weed to be filled with the Christmas spirt, there`s nothing like a feline purring to alter your consciousness.

Turn on your smart TV, click on the Lil BUB Christmas video, and dream about the 1990s era Mariah Carey sliding down the chimney and crooning: All I Want for Christmas is You!

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a skinny Mariah, a fat blunt, a purring cat, and a roaring fire.

Shock Video! Mariah Carey is so Fat She Can Barely Dance!

“A recent Mariah Carey performance is making the rounds on the internet after fans noticed that she wasn`t dancing on stage.

The video of the singer`s performance in Las Vegas shows her barely dancing while singing her hit song, `Honey.`

As her back-up dancers dance energetically around her, Carey ever so slightly bounces her hips and lifts her arms. She doesn`t actually budge from her spot on the stage until she`s lifted by one of the dancers and set to rest on the backs of a few other dancers.”

MSN.Com

Mariah Carey was a huge star in the 90`s, now she`s just huge – she resembles a baby hippo.

Granted even an anorexic dancer would have trouble dancing wearing CFM shoes with tall stiletto heels, but the ageing crooner is moving as slow as molasses.

Had I been in the audience I would have harpooned the fat-ass celeb and put her out of her misery.

The fat cow doesn`t budge from her spot on the stage until she`s lifted by one the dancers. I hope the dancer didn`t strain his back, he should have tossed her off the stage.

I realize this article is focusing on her physique, but do you really want me to address her singing skills? She`s washed up, she can no longer carry a tune.

Link to video:

http://www.msn.com/en-us/music/news/a-video-of-mariah-carey-barely-dancing-while-performing-in-las-vegas-is-going-viral/ar-AAosjnp?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartanntp

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Mariah Carey Ronda Rousey Death Match!

After Ronda Rousey was upset by Holly Holm in the second round at UFC 193 in November 2015, she confided in Ellen DeGeneres and millions of her viewers that she contemplated suicide.

It took a year for Rousey to regain her composure and confidence to once again enter the octagon, and square off against another foe.

On Friday 30, 2016 Ronda Rousey faced off against Amanda Nunes for the women`s bantamweight title, and it took only 48 seconds for Nunes to reduce Rousey to a bloody pulp.

On December 31, 2016 Mariah Carey suffered the most humiliating incident in her life, and I wouldn`t be surprised if she was contemplating suicide.

Read my articles chronicling Mariah`s epic fail:

http://thesop.org/story/20170101/mariah-careys-horrible-new-years-eve-performance-video.html

http://thesop.org/story/20170102/mariah-careys-epic-new-year-eves-fail-the-aftermath.html

Although few would shed a tear if Mariah Carey or especially if Ronda Rousey killed themselves, I hope and pray that they don`t, or at least not until they engage in epic pay-per-view death match.

Imagine if you will Mariah and Ronda in a vat filled with applesauce, the match doesn`t end until the loser drowns in the applesauce.

Ronda is a beast and under normal circumstances she would kill Mariah in a New York minute, to handicap the match Mr. T would deliver a roundhouse punch to Ronda`s face and give her only a couple of minutes to recover.

America loves a redemption story, and only surviving such a grueling match would return the winner to our good graces.

My money would be on Mariah, her huge butt has major-league buoyancy and it would be difficult, if not impossible, to drown her.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAXf_GjWIvk

Mariah Carey’s Epic New Year’s Eve Fail: The Aftermath

The reverberations of Mariah Carey`s disastrous New Year`s Eve performance didn`t end at the stroke of midnight, indeed they are just beginning. Let`s just hope that this doesn`t mean that the epic horribleness of 2016 is going to linger into 2017.

Mariah Carey blamed the fiasco on Dick Clark Productions (DCP), claiming that they deliberately sabotaged her performance “so they could get Mariah drama” and boost ratings.

This ridiculous assertion of course begs the questions: What career? The only thing Mariah has going on in 2017 is a reality show “Mariah`s World” on the E network. At this downwards stage of Mariah`s career even this unknown blogger could end her career by writing a negative review.

Mariah`s peeps claimed in a written complaint to DCP that her sound and microphone systems were deliberately sabotaged.

DCP responded almost immediately with this written statement:

As the premier producer of live television events for nearly 50 years, we pride ourselves on our reputation and long-standing relationships with artists. To suggest that dcp, as producer of music shows including the American Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, New Year`s Rockin` Eve and Academy of Country Music Awards, would ever intentionally compromise the success of any artist is defamatory, outrageous and frankly absurd.

In another statement DCP said that non-technical issues were responsible for the most humiliating moment in the diva`s career.

Hmm, non-technical issues? Too much celebratory drinking before her performance? Pride in thinking that a diva such as herself doesn`t need to practice? Rusty pipes?

I will always love me some Mariah, and I will continue to play her CD`s, but non-technical issues have ruined her as a live performer.

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Mariah Carey’s Horrible New Year’s Eve Performance! Career-ending Disaster?

Mariah Carey was the biggest female pop star of the 90`s, she garnered a handful of Grammys, and sold out stadiums, suffice to say that her status as a diva and a legend is set in concrete.

I love Mariah and I will continue to listen to her CD`s until I`m in a nursing home, but I wouldn`t spend a dime to watch her in concert, she`s a hot mess.

From her curvaceous hips to her smoldering lips to her powerful pipes, Mariah will forever be my vision of love.

Mariah was the final pre-midnight act on “Dick Clark`s New Year`s Rockin` Eve with Ryan Seacrest.” The diva had just finished “Auld Lang Syne” when things spiraled out of control.

Let me digress by asking: Why is Ryan Seacrest taking second billing to a man who has been dead for almost five years? In any case Clark is rolling over in his grave in consternation over Mariah`s horrible performance.

Train wreck performance! Lip-syncing meltdown! Epic Fail! Suicide-inducing performance! These words fail to convey the magnitude of Mariah`s breakdown. You must watch the video!

From Trump to ISIS to the unusual number of sports, entertainment, and political icons who died, this has been one of the worst years in American history, Mariah perfectly encapsulated the horror of 2016, let`s hope and pray 2017 will be better.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkTy_vSPkWc

Robert Paul Reyes: My Death Wish List for 2017

The Grim Reaper was busy in 2016 culling the best and brightest from the realms of entertainment, sports and politics. The death of icons like Muhammad Ali, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher and John Glenn left a deep void in our culture.

The Grim Reaper never takes a holiday, and he will be busy again in 2017 snuffing out the brightest lights, but I hope he will take out these dim bulbs next year:

The Kardashian Sluts

The Kardashian women are indistinguishable from one another. They all have surgically-enhanced body parts, a penchant for dating black rappers and athletes, and a love for the limelight. They have no talent, and are famous for being famous. Let`s hope and pray they achieve immortality be dying together in a plane crash.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary is a decrepit old hag and she should have died years ago, but her pride and stubbornness will fortify her will into her 90`s. I`m keeping my fingers crossed that a killer clown will dispatch her to hell before she mounts yet another presidential campaign.

Nancy Pelosi

Pelosi is older than Methuselah and as wicked as the devil, if she doesn`t die of Botox poisoning in 2017 there is no God.

Oprah Winfrey

If pride comes before a fall, then it`s high time that Oprah falls straight into the fiery pit of hell.

Katie Couric

The only thing that Couric ever had going for her was her perkiness, but age extinguished her perkiness decades ago, she`s past her expiration date.

Mariah Carey

Carey was one of the brightest stars of the 90`s, but nobody has nostalgia for that forgettable decade, and nobody would miss her if the Grim Reaper dragged her to hell.

Lady Gaga

Her final performance act in 2017 should be ritual suicide on stage.

Nicki Minaj

Barbie? Really? Barbie doesn`t have a grotesquely fat butt! Enough said!

Meryl Streep

Enough is enough! I hope the Grim Reaper takes her out before she`s nominated for yet another award.

Feminist

That means any feminist who complains that I included only women on my list.

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