Superman is Bisexual! Deal With it Evangelicals and Homophobes!

Superman may wear tights, but he’s still the epitome of American machismo. After all, he’s faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Superman was created as a fictional character in 1938 and he’s fought against communism and protected our right to pursue happiness, to indulge in mindless consumerism and to enjoy the benefits of American exceptionalism.

But this is the 21st century and DC Comics has given The Man of Steel a makeover, starting with a new motto: Fighting for Truth, Justice and a Better Tomorrow.

DC Comics revealed that in an upcoming edition of its Superman comic, Clark Kent’s son (who is now Superman) will come out as bisexual.

This is anathema, not for comic book purists, but for evangelicals. Bible thumpers can accept their orange messiah indulging in golden showers with Russian hookers, but they can’t abide a bisexual Superman. Homophobes have lost their collective minds, “Hollywood is trying to make Superman gay and he is not,”, thundered Trump loyalist and Arizona state senator Wendy Rogers.

Deal with it bitches! It’s 2021 and Superman doesn’t change inside a phone booth, he’s not in the closet, and he doesn’t fight under the Banner of The American Way.

Although Superman still wears tights, and maybe he will even rock lavender tights sometime in the near future.