“AMERICANS are ‘over’ Christmas traditions – with a third wanting to swap traditional turkey for a juicy burger.

The Sun

I am ready to swap the traditional Christmas turkey for a juicy burger, a delicious pizza, chicken wings or I can copy my Jewish friends and order Chinese takeout for Christmas.

It’s traditional for Jews to order takeout from Chinese restaurants on Christmas, because most Chinese restaurants are owned by Chinese who aren’t typically Christian, and they are open on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, making them the ideal place for Jewish people to dine over the holidays.

I hate turkey anyway, it is bland, dry, and not very appetizing. Most people like the fixings (stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy, pumpkin pie and sweet rolls) more than they like the damn turkey.

Another Christmas tradition I want to eradicate is listening to Christmas songs. I would ban all Christmas carols except for “All I Want for Christmas is You” by the Queen of Christmas, Mariah Carey. If Christmas carolers came to my house I would sic Krampus on them.

Let’s not forget how awful Christmas movies are, the only thing more dreadful than a Christmas flick is a Lifetime picture. The only thing worse than purgatory would be watching a Lifetime Christmas movie. As with Christmas songs I would make an exception for Christmas movies, the only Christmas movie worth watching is “Die Hard.” Bah humbug with your Christmas movies, “Yippee-ki-yay, mother******!

Die Hard, Chinese takeout and Mariah Carey, that’s Christmas!