Monica Cole is the Director of One Million Moms at American Family Association. This ultra-conservative organization recently got their panties in a twist over a Zola commercial featuring two women kissing at the altar. They were successful in getting the Hallmark Channel to momentarily pull the offensive commercial that was destroying the fabric of American life.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be using plural pronouns to describe One Million Moms, there’s a very real possibility that this advocacy group consists of only one meddling mom, the aforementioned Monica Cole.

I feel inspired by One Million Moms, not to demonized gays and lesbians but to call myself One Million Militant Men (the alliteration should please Cole.) That way when I publish my anti-trump essays online, I can claim that I speak on behalf of a million men.

Cole has found a new controversy to wax indignant about: the use of the D-Word by Burger King in their commercials. It’s not the word “Douche” or “Dick” that offends the tender sensibilities of Cole, but the ultra-mild expletive, “Damn.”

Cole writes:

The language in the commercial is offensive, and it’s sad that this once family restaurant has made yet another deliberate decision to produce a controversial advertisement instead of a wholesome one.

In the Burger King commercial that is currently airing on TV, customers’ responses are being videoed as they taste-test the Impossible Whopper. One man is completely shocked that the burger is not beef, so he uses the d-word to describe how he feels about himself for being deceived by the taste of the burger.

My reaction?

Damn, this woman is bananas! She needs to get laid to make her forget about women kissing and men exclaiming, “Damn” after tasting a delicious Impossible Whopper.

I am willing to take one for the team and give Cole a night she will never forget. Maybe after an hour in the sack with me, she will change the name of her group to One Million Satisfied Women and she will cease her meddling ways.