Vice President Mike Pence refers to his wife as “Mother,” a sobriquet you don`t bestow on your significant other if you think of her as a sexual being.

Pence`s true love is Donald Trump, he`s often praised his boss`s “broad shoulders” and cameras always catch him staring lovingly at him the way a high school freshman stares at his homeroom crush.

Pence`s bromance with Trump is one-sided, he perceives Pence as an underling and not as a person worthy of having a serious platonic or sexual relationship with, and he`s oblivious to the homoerotic undertones of his second-in-command`s loyalty.

You may be thinking, “Stop right there brother, Pence is an evangelical who is vehemently opposed to same-sex love.” To which I would respond, “How many times have we seen this movie, the stridently anti-gay conservative turns out to be a latent homosexual.”

Pence`s unrequited love for the stable genius will never blossom into a Brokeback Mountain love story. Trump is decidedly heterosexual and he is too busy looking for pussy to grab, to pay any attention to his obsequious love-struck vice president.

But Pence`s substantial consolation prize may be that his devotion to the Orange Baboon will earn him the support of Trump`s base if he ever decides to run for president himself.