It’s National Cat Day!

Author Terry Pratchett once said, “In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” Felines have the spark of divinity and we are overjoyed when they deign to pay us mere mortals any attention.

Our modern day religions have failed to meet our spiritual needs, maybe it`s time to worship cats like the Egyptians of old.

Catholicism is a patriarchal religion that condones pedophilia and misogyny, Evangelical Christianity`s infatuation with Trump has deprived it of all credibility, Americans love bacon too much to embrace Judaism, and of course with Islam there`s that kill infidels for Allah thing.

Now that I have offended the followers of every major religion, I assume that only enlightened souls who worship cats are still with me.

Today is National Cat Day, and we must cater to every whim of our feline masters, hmm, that`s pretty much every day for us.

Let`s use this supreme holiday to spread our faith: Tell your friends and neighbors who don`t own cats about the joys and pleasures of owning these divine creatures.

Adopt a kitty, it will change your life and save your soul!

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Why Do Cats Knock Things Over? Because They’re Jerks!

“Cats have their quirks, no doubt. But one of the more puzzling – and annoying – things they do is to knock stuff off tables and shelves.

Do they hate your things? Are they criticizing your home decorating skills? Or are they simply trying to drive us insane?

Truth is, it`s none of those things, although I do believe there might be a touch of vindictiveness in some of that behavior.

Animal experts say there are three reasons for this destructive and sometimes hilarious conduct. They`re bored and want attention, they`re practicing hunting, and they`re hungry.”

The Mercury News

My cats, Tico and Ebony, despise each other, and they avoid each other like the plague.

They don`t eat, sleep or play together, they unite forces only when they seem to be in a competition to see who can knock more things over.

Usually they just flick objects over, like a glass of water that`s precariously perched right on the edge of the coffee table, but Tico, who tips the scales at 25 pounds, sometimes pushes things over the coffee table or an end table.

In other words they don`t accidentally tip things over, they deliberately attempt to break my possessions.

I find cheap knick- knacks aesthetically displeasing, the only small objects that my cats can knock off my table and shelves are expensive crystal figurines. Tico has knocked over, and broken a couple of crystal candle holders, at least the candles weren`t lit.

Tico`s girth prevents him from jumping on top of my tallest book shelves and tables, and Ebony is too old to jump very high, so I place my most expensive objects on my tallest tables and shelves.

Why are my kitties and indeed all cats so destructive? They don`t knock things over to get my attention, they are very independent and barely deign to look in my direction.

They aren`t trying to hone their hunting skills, they know damn well that I will serve them gourmet cat food and treats throughout the day.

Cats are jerks, plain and simple. Adorable and fluffy, but jerks all the same. They knock things over because they are jerks.

Cat lovers have learned how to cat-proof their homes, and we gladly put up with their jerk tendencies.

The last time that Tico knocked something from the coffee table, I just picked him up, and gave him a big hug. Take that you big jerk.

Read More:

http://www.mercurynews.com/2017/09/26/why-does-my-cat-keep-knocking-my-things-off-the-table/

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Denver International Airport Introduces Therapy Cats

“Denver International Airport`s CATS team is no longer only for dogs.

Yeah, we know that seems obvious.

This week, the airport introduced Xeli, the first feline to join the Canine Airport Therapy Squad, or CATS.

The team is made up of volunteer pet owners and their furry family members, and all pets are registered with the Alliance of Therapy Dogs.

All animals in the program wear vests that read `pet me` and passengers are encouraged to pet or hug them and take pictures.”

Coloradoan

It`s not uncommon to see therapy cats in nursing homes, hospitals and hospices, but now they will be employed where we need them the most, hell aka any airport.

If I don`t make it to heaven, and I`m dispatched to hell I`m sure it will look like a generic airport minus the lake of fire.

TSA goons becoming more intimate with you than your proctologist or gynecologist, fear of terrorists who are anxious to slaughter innocents so they can have an orgy with 40 virgins in paradise, fat passengers who invade your personal space, and fart away like there`s no tomorrow – if that`s not a description of hell, I don`t know what is!

Thank God the Denver International Airport has added felines to their Canine Airport Therapy Squad, or CATS.

When I`m on vacation I miss my dog and cats the most, being able to pet a kitty at the airport would go a long way toward relieving my stress and anxiety. I would no longer regard an airport as hell, because there are no cats in hell.

Cats at an airport is a purr-fect idea, I pray it catches on.

Read More:

http://www.coloradoan.com/story/life/2017/09/29/meet-denver-international-airports-new-therapy-cat/716459001/

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World’s Oldest Cat, Nutmeg, dies at 32

“Nutmeg, believed to be the world`s oldest cat, died in England at the age of 32 earlier this month, his owners said.

Westway Veterinary Group in Newcastle upon Tyne announced Nutmeg died on Sept. 14 as a result of heart failure.

Liz and Ian Finlay cared for Nutmeg for 27 years after taking him in as a stray when he was 5 years old.

Finlay and his wife said their other cat Spice, who died in the early 2000s, constantly brought Nutmeg into their home before they decided to adopt him.

Finlay attributed Nutmeg`s long life to healthy portions of treats such as tuna, cream and hot roast chicken.”

UPI.Com

Cats are entitled to nine lives, but after having lived for 32 years I doubt Nutmeg will be reincarnated.

Nutmeg was a stray cat who was adopted when he was five years old, had he stayed on the streets he would probably wouldn`t have lived more than ten years. Feral felines live short and brutish lives; God bless people who adopt stray cats.

Nutmeg`s owners attribute his long life to healthy portions of treats such as tune, cream and hot roast chicken. I`ve owned cats all of my adult life, and one of my cats lived for twenty years, and I fed her tuna regularly. Don`t be afraid to spoil your kitties by feeding them human food every once in a while.

Nutmeg`s owners are so heartbroken that they don`t plan on getting another cat. I hope they change their minds after their sorrow subsides, I can`t imagine life without a cat.

Read More:

https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/09/22/Worlds-oldest-cat-Nutmeg-dies-at-32/3681506109735/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=1

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Hodge the Famous Bookstore Cat

It`s tradition for independent book stores to employ a cat as a mascot, enter the search term “bookstore cat” on YouTube and you will get dozens of hits.

Hodge the Bookstore Cat`s domain is a used-book and sheet-music emporium on the South side of Chicago. He`s an institution in the Windy City, and two works of fiction have been inspired by his glorious career, “The Secret Life of Hodge, the Bookstore Cat” and “Hodge Sings Again.”

Unfortunately, the bookstore where Hodge works has shut its doors due to declining sales, but his celebrity hasn`t waned. Hodge is featured in the new book “Bookstore Cats,” and his videos still go viral.

We can learn two things from Hodge`s story:

Within a generation bookstores, especially independent bookstores, will be as difficult to find as a Blockbuster video store. Digital media is rendering bookstores, and even libraries, obsolete.

The popularity of cats will never diminish, when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives we will be clutching a shotgun with one hand to fend off zombies, and holding our beloved cat with the other.

Link to Hodge the Cat video:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/pets/ct-life-famous-cat-loses-job-0917-story.html

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September is ‘Happy Cat Month’

September is “Happy Cat Month,” never mind that there`s already an “International Cat Day” and a “National Kitten Day.”

So how can we make our feline friends happy?

BECOME A HOARDER

If your house is spotless and spic-and-span, you are making your pets neurotic. Cats thrive in chaos and clutter and they prefer junk all over the place so that they can roam across their house unobserved.

Kitties love boxes, never throw away a box, a house strewn with boxes makes for a very happy cat.

If you become a hoarder you will become a pariah to your neighbors, but you will provide your cats with a cat-friendly environment and earn their gratitude.

KEEP LITTER BOXES CLEAN

Cats may love a messy house, but they demand that their litter boxes be kept clean. As soon as your tabby uses his litter box, scoop his feces and flush it down the toilet. A litter box that smells like a heavenly breeze makes for a content kitty.

ALWAYS HAVE FOOD AVAILABLE

Cats like to nibble all day and all night long, and they are finicky as the devil. Place at least a dozen bowls of dry and cat food of various varieties in every room of your house.

GET RID OF YOUR DOG

Cats and dogs are arch enemies, and peaceful coexistence is a myth, your cat won`t be happy until you banish your pooch to his doghouse.

DITCH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

Cats are notoriously jealous and they will seethe with anger if they observe you lavishing attention on anybody but them.

ALLOW YOUR CAT TO USE YOUR BODY AS A PILLOW, SCRATCHING POST AND GARBAGE CAN

Your cat will sleep on your head, knead your stomach until it bleeds, and cough up a fur ball on your lap. Don`t complain if you want your cat to be happy.

In other words, if you really want your cat to be always happy, be prepared to be as miserable as the devil.

Just love your kitty, and even if don`t do all of the aforementioned things he will still love you.

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Perfect Gift for Cat Lady in Your Life: Anatomically Correct Plush Cat Purse

Do you have a sister, aunt or friend who`s a cat lady, and you don`t know what to get her for her birthday because she already owns every cat-themed accessory in the world?

We all know such old maids, and it`s difficult buying them presents, because they are as finicky and hard to please as their feline significant others.

I know a cat lady who has dozens of cat magnets on her fridge, cat-themed kitchen towels, and really cute cat dish bowls – wait a second, that`s me. Anyway I have the perfect gift for the cat lady in your life: A darling plush cat purse.

These adorable plush cat purses will make your cat lady friend purr like she`s high on weed or catnip.

These purses look just like a cat, they even have balls, and believe me that`s as close to balls as the typical cat lady will ever be.

They are available on Amazon in three varieties: a Calico-inspired tote, a Russian Blue and a gray kitty. There`s one for every type of cat lover.

Only $12.99! Get one today!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073WRPH55/ref=as_li_ss_tl?th=1&linkCode=sl1&tag=marisadd-20&linkId=00d8aac29834cad2c5ac3f65e05282b0

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Dude Builds Elaborate Maze For His Cats! Cat Lover or Lunatic?

“A proud cat owner celebrated International Cat Day by building his pets an elaborate maze of cardboard boxes.

Chris Poole converted 50 cardboard boxes into a massive maze for his famous feline friends Cole and Marmalade.

Poole individually constructed the boxes, before cutting various holes in the sides and lining them up in a winding pattern throughout the room.”

UPI

I love my cats, Tico and Ebony, and I cater to their every whim. I know they love playing with boxes, and whenever I buy anything that`s packaged in a box I save it for their entertainment and amusement.

But Chris Poole really takes the cake when it comes to pampering his kitties, he constructed an elaborate maze of cardboard boxes for his furry friends. The maze covered the entire living room floor. I may dedicate a corner of my living room for my pets` boxes and toys, but this dude really went overboard.

Whenever I buy toys or treats for my felines, and I wonder if I`m coddling them too much, I will play this video to remind myself that my furry friends haven`t completely taken over my life yet.

Read More:

https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/08/15/Cat-owner-turns-50-cardboard-boxes-into-elaborate-maze/3041502818637/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=7

Link to video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXS_sMYdqco

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Cool Cat High Fives and Fist Bumps His Owner: Video

My pooch, Mandy, is very eager to please, and with a minimum of effort I might succeed in teaching her a few tricks, but truth be told, I`m too lazy and she`s too stupid. The only trick she`s mastered is to come running when I call her to dinner.

My cats, Tico and Ebony, have learned a lot of tricks on their own, they`ve become versed on opening kitchen cabinets in search of treats, and they got the knack of jumping on my remote control to change the channel when I`m watching a program that doesn`t align with their aesthetic sensibilities.

But they would never deign to learn a trick that would make me look good in front of my friends and family, like rolling over, playing dead or shaking my hand.

Here`s a cool cat who`s learned how to high five and fist bump, most human beings can`t high five or fist bump without looking like spastic nerds.

If I showed this video to my felines on my cellphone they would probably cough up a hairball on it, they don`t cotton to obsequious cats.

Cat Named ‘Trouble’ Allegedly Attacks Little Girl

“A cat named Trouble allegedly attacked a 7-year-old girl while she was visiting her grandfather in Joliet, according to a complaint filed Thursday in Will County court.

The owners of the allegedly troublesome cat are being sued over the incident that apparently left the girl with claw marks across the forehead. The injury required surgery, the lawsuit said.

Anna Tezak, the mother of the girl, is suing Rena and Kelly Blankenship, who were identified in the complaint as the owners of Trouble. Tezak is seeking at least $50,000 in damages.

“I think we have enough evidence that this was their cat they habitually let run around their neighborhood,” said Jordan Kielian, Tezak`s attorney.”

The Herald News

We know the cat`s name (Trouble), but what`s the girl`s name (Brat)? Felines don`t attack unless provoked, what was the little girl from hell doing? Pulling its tail? Throwing rocks at it?

The only ones more evil than the mischievous girl are her greedy parents who are suing for $50,000 for a few scratches that their daughter sustained on her forehead.

The judge should award them $10.00 so they can buy a jumbo container of Neosporin, and whip them with a cat o` nine tails for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

How the hell do we know anyway that Trouble, or for that matter any cat, scratched the troublesome girl? Her own parents may have scratched her, this could all be a scam.

Read More:

http://www.theherald-news.com/2017/07/28/lawsuit-cat-named-trouble-attacked-girl-in-joliet/a509s8i/

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