Redneck Attacks Roommate Over Stale Cap’n Crunch

“An Alabama man allegedly beat his roommate after discovering that the victim had failed to properly seal a box of Cap`n Crunch cereal, which had gone stale, police report.

Duane Barry Smith, 52, was arrested Friday for domestic violence following a confrontation with the man he shares a residence in Moundville, a town outside Tuscaloosa.

According to police, the victim said that Smith became upset upon discovering the stale cereal and blamed him for failing to keep the Cap`n Crunch fresh. Smith was especially perturbed since he is missing teeth and had difficulty consuming the stale cereal.

At one point, Smith demanded that his roommate remove his dentures so that he could experience how hard it was to consume the Cap`n Crunch. When the man refused, Smith allegedly began striking the victim with an electrical cord.”

The Smoking Gun

The dateline for this Smoking Gun article is Moundville, Alalabama, the epicenter of redneck tomfoolery, witness this story that I wrote last month:
Moundville Country Bumpkins Epic Fight Over Cheesecake:

http://thesop.org/story/20180121/moundville-country-bumpkins-epic-fight-over-cheesecake.html

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, and I munched children`s cereal, but when I became a man, I put away children`s cereals like Count Chocula and Cap`n Crunch.

But in Alabama rednecks not only love them some children`s cereal, they also love to court teen girls, and they madly love pedophiles like Roy Moore.

But I must admit that Cap`n Crunch is delicious, especially when it`s fresh and crunchy. Eating stale cereal is like smoking a blunt that you accidentally dropped in your toilet; I can understand Smith`s umbrage at his roommate/lover? at not properly sealing the box of cereal.

The victim should consider himself blessed that that the toothless wonder didn`t hit him over the head with a jug of moonshine after he worked him over with an electrical cord.

The moral of this story: Don`t ever visit Moundville, but if business requires that you visit that godforsaken place, take a zombie survival kit with you. If you pick up the last cheesecake or the last box of Cap`n Crunch at a grocery store and the shoppers start heading in your direction, for the love of God blast their brains with a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Like Every Other Dictator Donald Trump Wants a Military Parade

“Donald Trump loves pomp and circumstance. He loves public displays of toughness. And he really, really loves the military.

Add it all up and you get this: `Trump tells Pentagon to plan a military parade.`

The parade would be modeled after the Bastille Day parade that Trump spectated last year during a visit to France. `The marching orders were: I want a parade like the one in France,` one military official told The Washington Post, which broke the story.”

CNN

Dictators muzzle the free press, ridicule their political opponents, constrain an independent judiciary, and they love military parades.

It`s impossible to produce a documentary about a dictator and not include footage of military parades. Every dictator from Mussolini to Hitler to Stalin to Kim Jung-un has presided over military parades.

Evidently Trump has become green with envy as he`s seen Lil` Kim preside over a military parade once or twice every year. Ostensibly Trump wants a parade to demonstrate his love and appreciation for the military, but we all know that he wants missiles parading down Pennsylvania Ave. as compensation for his tiny hands.

America is the greatest military power in the world and we don`t need to stage elaborate military parades. The world is cognizant of our military might, for good or ill, our military is engaged in dozens of countries.

What we really need to do is impress the world with the power of our democracy to do good, by accepting refugees from every corner of the world.

Unfortunately, Trump will probably get his silly and expensive parade because nobody in his administration has the guts to tell him that it`s a stupid idea.

Read More:

https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/07/politics/trump-parade-analysis/index.html

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Shock Video Proves Donald Trump’s Scalp is as Smooth and Bald as Baby’s Butt

“A video shows the president climbing the stairs to Air Force One last Friday when a sudden gust of wind catches his combover.

 

The blast lifted the strands of hair like a flap and revealed his bare scalp underneath for all to see.”

The New York Post

Donald Trump`s hair defies gravity, it offends our aesthetic sensibilities, and it`s an affront to the Almighty.

Volumes have been written about his coiffure, his supporters swear it`s his own hair kept together by hairspray and prayers, others claim it`s a toupee or implants, and a few think it`s an abandoned Robin`s nest.

Trump has declared on numerous occasions that it`s his own hair, but he`s a pathological liar, and we have to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

I personally favor the explanation that it`s a bird`s nest, but I don`t really care, the only thing I know is that whenever I see the buffoon on TV I`m overcome with a desire to buy a flamethrower on eBay and travel to Washington and burn the abomination.

Now there`s video proof that regardless what`s on the moron`s head, whether it`s how own follicles, an implant, or a wig, underneath it there`s a freaking bald scalp.

Now that we`ve solved the mystery of Trump`s hair, can anyone explain why his hands are so tiny, or why his mouth looks like his rectum?

Justin Trudeau is an Embarrassment to Canada, Feminists and Mankind

“Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is facing a backlash for correcting a woman who used the term mankind.

During a town hall event last week, Mr. Trudeau interrupted the young woman and urged her to say `peoplekind` instead.

The clip of the interaction has been making the rounds online with critics accusing Mr. Trudeau of `mansplaining` and making up words.”

BBC

The woman`s question/pontification had rambled on for about four minutes when Trudeau interrupted her.

It would have been perfectly reasonable for the Canadian Prime Minister to interrupt her with the admonition: Bitch please, just ask your damn question and sit down!

But Trudeau who is the quintessential politically-correct wanker instead berated her for using the term “mankind” instead of “peoplekind.” Peoplekind? Really? I have never in my life heard anyone other than Trudeau use that ridiculous term.

It`s perfectly acceptable to use “mankind,” although I usually use “humankind” or “humanity.” But to be triggered if someone doesn`t use a gender neutral term to describe the revolting species that is a cancer on Earth is the epitome of the pussification of mankind.

Trudeau is an embarrassment to Canada, feminists and all of mankind.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Justin Timberlake’s Super Bowl Halftime Show an Abomination! Revoke His Black Pass

Justin Timberlake has embraced a black music genre (R&B) and enjoyed superstardom as a solo artist for almost two decades, but for the life of me I don`t understand why he`s been given a black pass by the African American community.

Timberlake feels so comfortable in his skin as a white R& B performer that he`s even rocked cornrows.

The pop star`s black pass should have been revoked in the aftermath of the 2004 Super Bowl Nipplegate controversy. Most of the blame for the wardrobe malfunction was placed on Janet Jackson, MTV (which produced the Super Bowl halftime show) accused the black diva of having engineered the stunt. Timberlake left Jackson twisting in the wind, he failed to publicly and vigorously come to her defense.

Timberlake had an opportunity to make amends with Jackson by demanding that she be allowed to perform with him when he was chosen as the 2018 Super Bowl halftime performer, but he didn`t want to share the spotlight with a live entertainer.

Instead the shameless singer performed the Prince classic “I Would Die 4 U” with a giant image of Prince projected on what looked like a giant sheet. Very tacky and very disrespectful of the rock legend.

Considering Sunday`s Super Bowl was hosted in Minneapolis, Timberlake no doubt felt he had to pay homage to the hometown legend. Prince had a historically fraught relationship with Timberlake, and Timberlake`s “tribute” and subpar performance must have had him rolling over in his grave.

Timberlake is nothing more than a less clownish version of Vanilla Ice.

I appeal to the R& B and hip hop community to disavow Timberlake once and for all, kick him to the curb!

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Piers Morgan Blasts BBC For Airing Homophobic Cartoon of Him and Donald Trump

“Piers Morgan launched a blistering on the BBC after it aired a homophobic cartoon depicting the British journalist with his nose up President Trump`s backside.

The Good Morning Britain presenter, who secured the first international interview with Trump last week, slammed the corporation for using the image on The Mash Report – its satirical news roundup

He wrote: `Amusing though this image may be to many people, can you imagine the BBC broadcasting it if the President was Hillary Clinton or the interviewer was a woman?”

Daily Mail

I share the cartoonist`s disgust at Piers Morgan`s softball interview with Donald Trump, it was an abomination and a disgrace to the profession of journalism.

However the cartoonist shouldn`t have sunken to Trumpian levels to register his disapproval of Morgan treating a pig like Trump with kid gloves. It was wrong for the BBC to air the homophobic cartoon.

The cartoonist could have made his point without drawing a sexually graphic cartoon, he could have simply depicted Morgan kissing Trump in his sphincter-like mouth: Same thing, much less offensive.

If the President was Hillary Clinton, and a cartoonist depicted a female interviewer licking her ass, feminists would no doubt torch the BBC studio.

Not only would such an outrage against a woman not be tolerated, but to portray a politician who everybody in the world knows is a straight-up butch lesbian performing a lesbian sex act would ignite a firestorm of protest.

There is no need to resort to homophobia to denounce Trump and his sycophantic enablers.

Link to offensive cartoon:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5348145/Piers-Morgan-blasts-BBC-airing-homophobic-cartoon.html

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

New York Theater Invites Patrons to Bring Their Dogs

“A theater in upstate New York is telling patrons to bring their dogs to four movies this month.

For its Dog Movie Week from Feb. 11 to Feb. 17, the Smith Opera House in Geneva, N.Y., will show dog-related films Best in Show, Must Love Dogs, The Artist and Bolt. The theatre will offer free treats to dogs, who can attend for free, as long as they are leashed and well-behaved.”

UPI

We`ve all taken a dog to a movie, we all have a date from hell horror story.

But taking a real dog to a movie is a dream come true; I can`t think of anything better than sharing a bucket of popcorn with my pooch as we enjoy a movie in a theater.

When a dude takes a date to a movie, he`s usually the one who pays for both tickets and the overpriced snacks. A night at the movies can easily set you back $50, but for Dog Movie Week at the Smith Opera House canines attend for free, plus they get free dog snacks.

Going to the movies has gone to the dogs, and I`m doggone happy.

Read More:
https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2018/02/01/New-York-theater-invites-movie-goers-to-bring-dogs/1891517503419/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=18

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Donald Trump Claims Orrin Hatch Said He Was the Greatest President in History

“It`s no surprise to anyone that President Donald Trump loves to boast about how great he is. But he seemed to take things to a new level on Thursday when he suggested that some people are saying he`s the best president in American history. He attributed that extreme bit of praise to Orrin Hatch, the longest-serving Republican senator.

`He said once I am the single greatest president in his lifetime, now he`s a young man, so it`s not that much,` Trump told Congressional Republicans at their annual retreat in West Virginia. And apparently it wasn`t enough that the 83-year-old from Utah said that he was the best president in his lifetime. `He actually once said I`m the greatest president in the history of our country,` Trump told the lawmakers in his next breath. `I said, does that include Lincoln and Washington? He said yes.` The commander in chief clearly enjoyed the praise very much: `I said, I love this guy.`”

Slate

President Donald Trump likes to compare himself with the “late great Abraham Lincoln,” but when historians render their verdict he`ll be compared with Richard Nixon.

Trump`s default mode is to exaggerate, if his personal physician told him “Don`t worry the length of your penis is only slightly below average,” he would boast “My doc just informed me that Ron Jeremy would envy my presidential pecker.”

Nobody in his right mind, not even Trump`s most deluded sycophants, would claim that he is the greatest president in history.

What Senator Hatch actually said was that Trump can be the greatest president, but never that he actually is the greatest president. Hatch said that he would like to work with the president to make this the greatest presidency in history for the American people.

Of course even that statement is patently ridiculous, it most be noted that Hatch uttered those ridiculous words in the immediate aftermath of Trump`s tax plan becoming the law of the land. When we are drunk with victory we utter all sorts of nonsense.

Trump is a blithering idiot and a world-class narcissist, I can`t wait for him to be impeached.

Read More: https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2018/02/trump-says-orrin-hatch-told-him-he-was-the-best-president-in-history-but-the-senator-denies-it.html

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Trump Boasted His State of the Union Was Most Watched in History! It Wasn’t!

“President Donald Trump touted the ratings from his State of the Union Thursday morning, tweeting that the numbers were record-breaking. But they actually werent.

“Thank you for all of the nice compliments and reviews on the State of the Union speech. 45.6 million people watched, the highest number in history. [Fox News] beat every other Network, for the first time ever, with 11.7 million people tuning in. Delivered from the heart!” Trump tweeted Thursday morning, his third tweet of the day.

Trump`s right about the numbers. Per Nielsen data, approximately 45.6 million viewers tuned in to watch his speech. And he`s also accurate that Fox News garnered the highest ratings, although, per Nielsen data, the network actually had 11.5 million viewers, not 11.7. But he`s not right when he called the numbers the “highest number in history.

Trump`s three immediate predecessors – former Presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton – all amassed higher ratings from their first State of the Union than he did: 48 million people tuned in to watch Obama in 2010; 51.7 million tuned in to Bush in 2002; and 45.8 million tuned in for Clinton in 1994. (The President delivers an address to the joint sessions of Congress during his or her first year, and the State of the Union the following year).

Time

President Donald Trump has a long history of exaggerating the size of his crowds and the ratings of his speeches, he`s exaggerated everything from the length of his tiny pecker to his golf handicap to the size of the crowd at his inauguration.

It should come as no surprise that Trump lied when he boasted that the ratings for his State of the Union were record-breaking. They weren`t, not by a long shot.

Any president, especially on his first State of the Union address, has one primary objective: To deliver a speech that is short on inflammatory rhetoric but rich in platitudes that will unify the country.

Although the president`s State of the Union address wasn`t as divisive as his usual stump speech, he still sought to solidify his base by demonizing immigrants from Mexico and Central America.

Trump cares more about his own popularity than he does about the state of the union, as evidenced by his fixation on the rating for his important speech.

Trump`s State of the Union speech was as long and boring as a typical Bill Clinton address, but it wasn`t a ratings blockbuster.

Trump is a reality TV buffoon and his approval ratings as president and the ratings for his speeches will never match the ratings of Celebrity Apprentice.

Read More:

http://time.com/5128429/donald-trump-state-of-the-union-ratings-fact-check/

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Pics of Busao the Cat and His Space Heater God

Ancient Egyptians worshipped a Cat Goddess, often represented as half feline, half woman, whom they called Bastet.

Thousands of years later we still worship felines, they rule the Internet, and they are the divine queens and kings of our homes.

We treat our cats like deities, we buy them gourmet cat food, expensive toys (that they ignore in favor of a box or a crumpled piece of paper), and cat condos for their entertainment and relaxation.

But the reverence and awe isn`t mutual, or dogs may look upon us as gods, but cats barely give us the time of day.

But is there anything or anybody that cats worship?

There`s a pampered kitty in Japan named Busao who worships his space heater. Busao looks upon his heater with a mix of reverence and awe.

I wish my cats looked at me the same way that Busao looks at his heater, after all I spend a small fortune looking after their every need.

Cat lovers know that their pets always make themselves comfortable in the warmest place in the house, be it next to a space heater or the furnace.

Maybe if I wrapped myself in an electric blanket my spoiled cats would always cuddle on my lap, and treat me like Buddha.

Pics of Busao and his Heater God:

http://metro.co.uk/2018/01/28/busao-cat-falling-love-heater-us-january-7266521/

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes