Moundville Country Bumpkins Epic Fight Over Cheesecake

“The Moundville Times reported that Moundville Police Chief Toby Banks was called to a disturbance at a residence where the half-brothers live together at noon Dec. 26.

`Banks said he was asked for his opinion on whether the piece of cake was big enough for a grown (expletive) man,` the paper reported. `He said he thought it was.`

According to court records, the older brother, 24, was still holding the butcher knife he used to cut the dessert when they began arguing about the portion size. The victim told police his brother punched him in the face and busted his lip.

According to the police report, the suspect told the chief `they were arguing over the pie, but he only patted the victim on the face and head like a dog.`”

Moundville is a hick town with a population of less than 3,000 in the redneck state of Alabama.

I`m surprised these country bumpkins were arguing over a piece of cheesecake, and not a slab of cornbread.

I know that the family is important in the South, but what the hell are two grown ass brothers doing living together?

The moral of this story:

When a hillbilly is brandishing a butcher knife that he used to cut a piece of cheesecake into two portions, common sense dictates that you don`t complain that your portion is smaller.

The simple fact that the older brother used a butcher knife instead of a butter knife to cut the cheesecake should have been a tip off that he wasn`t in a mood to put up with any guff from his younger sibling.

The victim told police that his brother punched him in the face, but the older moron claims he only patted the victim on the face and head like a dog. You don`t have to be an expert on redneck behavior to know that he beat him like a dog.

In a red state that worships the likes of Donald Trump and Roy Moore never, I repeat never, get into an argument with any of the local yokels over cheesecake.

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Donald Trump is a Clown With Tiny Hands Instead of Giant Feet

Parents hire clowns to entertain their children for birthday parties, and it works until the kids grow tired of the limited repertoire of the clown`s tricks and shenanigans.

Kids are repulsed and fascinated by clowns at the same time, their painted faces and huge feet scares the Bejesus out of them, but they are mesmerized by their magic tricks.

Eventually when the kids start pelting the clown with anything they can get a hold of, the parents tell the entertainer that his work is done.

President Donald Trump is like a clown at a third-rate carnival who cheats marks at three-card monte when he`s not clowning around.

We hired the Clown of all Clowns as President of the United States, and unfortunately unless we impeach the freak we`re stuck with him for four years.

We are fascinated and repulsed by Trump`s non-stop buffoonery, he has an endless supply of tweets, insults, and incoherent policy initiatives up his sleeve.

In lieu of oversized feet he has tiny hands that he employs to tweet nonsense, and to pull executive actions out of his ass.

Republicans have made peace with Trump by pretending that he`s not a clown, they ignore his infantile tweets, insane rants and childish behavior, because the payoff is conservative judges, tax laws that favor the wealthy, and deregulation that benefits big corporations.

The majority of Americans are sick and tired of the clown sitting in the Oval Office, and we are mortified that he`s turned the White House into a three-ring circus.

I may be tilting at windmills but I will never accept Trump as my president, and I will continue to write essays exposing his buffoonery until Congress does the right thing and impeaches the clown.

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Cat-In-The-Bag Carrier is the Cat’s Pajamas! Video!

“The Cat-In-The-Bag Cozy Comfort Carrier ($33.95) is almost exactly what it sounds like – it`s a bag designed to comfortably contain felines. Like the famed Snuggie for humans, this invention comes with a place for your cat`s head, but no holes for their arms and legs.

The creators say their cat sack is different from other carriers because it doesn`t isolate your cat. Instead of being stuffed in a fear-inducing box, a cat can now be carefully wrapped in this bag that keeps it safe while also allowing room for the animals to move freely with an unconfined head.”


My pooch, Mandy, loves to ride shotgun with me. She`s a sight to behold as we cruise down the road with her head sticking out the window.

My cats, Tico and Ebony, on the other hand absolutely hate to ride in my car. They act like they are in torment, caterwauling like they`re on crack, on the short five-minute trip to the veterinarian.

It` not just the motion that discombobulates them, they also despise being trapped in a pet carrier.

The Cat-The-Bag Carrier is the perfect solution, a cat won`t feel like he`s in a jail cell, his little head is sticking out and he can see that he`s safe with his master behind the wheel.

What`s cooler than a cat in a hat? A cat in a bag! Get with the damn program and buy one for your kitty, you will both love it!

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Donald Trump Had Porn Star Stormy Daniels Spank Him With a Forbes Magazine

Donald Trump is such an omnipresent fixture on media that his hideous face with his sphincter-like mouth has been indelibly etched on my mind.

When the Grim Reaper finally drags the decrepit reprobate to hell, and he`s no longer a regular feature on the evening news, I will still need deprogramming to cleanse him from my consciousness.

Normal folks have a visceral reaction when they see Trump on TV, namely we throw the remote at the screen, and then search Google for painless ways to commit suicide.

Now a new particularly disquieting detail has emerged about the president`s affair with porn star Stormy Daniels that may cause even diehard Trump supporters to retch. These cultists could care less that Trump paid her off to keep quiet, but they may be troubled that he ordered the porn starlet to spank him with a copy of Forbes that featured Trump, Donald Jr., and Ivanka on the cover.

To have a porn star spank you may be every guy`s fantasy, but to have the hoe spank you with a magazine that features your family on the cover is wrong, horribly wrong.

I like to believe that I`ve done some good with the thousands of essays I`ve published online since 2008, but all that may be negated by leaving my readers with an image that they will never be able to erase: Our obese president butt naked being spanked by a porn star.

My readers may never forgive me, but God forgive me!

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British Supermarket Chain B&M Seeks ‘Chicken Nugget Connoisseur’

“B&M, one of Britain`s largest variety store chains, announced on its website that it is seeking a chicken nugget connoisseur to taste-taste the chicken nuggets for its new line of store-brand frozen and fresh foods.

The posting lists `relevant experience` for applicants, including:
*Getting the 20 share box of nuggets from McDonalds and keeping them all for yourself.

*You can conduct a power point presentation on the reasoning behind curly fries being nicer than chips”


I`m a fast food junkie, but I do have standards, and I draw the line at chicken nuggets. This fast food staple looks and tastes like deep-fried sawdust. A chicken nugget is more foul than fowl, and chicken is probably way down in the list of ingredients.

I`m not qualified to be a chicken nugget connoisseur; I once made the mistake of ordering a box of 20 McDonald`s chicken nuggets and my pooch ended up eating 19 of them.

The “winning applicant” will be issued monthly $35 vouchers to spend on B&M`s line of frozen foods, and is required to share his feedback with the store chain.

Applicants must submit an essay explaining why they are deserving of the opportunity. I`m a writer, that`s what I do, but I`d rather write an essay explaining why I deserve the opportunity to participate in a study examining the dangers of consuming lead.

Sorry, B&M, but I think you know what you can do with your chicken nuggets.

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Happy Birthday Betty White! America Loves You!

Whenever I see Betty White trending on Twitter my finger trembles as I click the link to find out why America`s sweetheart is trending. Whenever the nonagenarian icon is trending on social media, I fear it`s because the angels took her home.

Such was the case this morning when I see the screen and TV legend trending on Twitter; I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I found out that she`s in the news because she`s 96 years old today.

Those of you who`ve been reading my column for years are well aware of my cynical nature, and you might be surprised to learn that Betty White is my favorite celebrity, and not a hot mess like Miley Cyrus or a wise ass like Bill Maher.

Betty has the sweet face of a grandma who welcomes family and strangers to her home with a cookie and warm glass of milk, but who tells naughty jokes with a twinkle in her eye.

Betty has been warming our hearts for decades, from “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” to “Golden Girls” to “Hot in Cleveland,” while making us wet our drawers with her sarcastic humor.

A reporter recently asked Betty what the secret to her longevity was, and she answered: Vodka and hot dogs.

Here`s hoping that Betty downs at least four glasses of vodka every day along with a dozen hot dogs, because we want her to live 96 more years.

Happy Birthday Betty White! America Loves You!

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Rev. Maurice Watson Denounces Trump’s Racist Comments with Red-faced Mike Pence in Pews

“A Maryland pastor on Sunday denounced President Trumps s—hole countries comment before God, his congregation and Vice President Pence.

Worshipers at the Metropolitan Baptist Church in Largo, Md., said the vice president grew visibly red-faced as the Rev. Maurice Watson called Trump out for his vulgar comments last week about Haiti and several African nations.

`I stand today as your pastor to vehemently denounce and reject any such characterizations of the nations of Africa and of our brothers and sisters in Haiti,` Watson told his congregation as Pence looked on.

`And I further say: Whoever made such a statement, whoever used such a visceral, disrespectful, dehumanizing adjective to characterize the nations of Africa, whoever said it, is wrong. And they ought to be held accountable.`”

New York Daily News

Sometimes a Christian pastor is required to minister to the least among us with the compassion and humility of Jesus Christ, and sometimes he`s called upon to speak truth to power with the vehemence and thunder of an Old Testament prophet.

If Vice President wanted to bask in the praise of like-minded evangelicals in the aftermath of Donald Trump`s blatantly racist shithole comment, he should have visited a white evangelical church.

White evangelical churches have a long history of not just tolerating racism, but practicing racism, and a racist charlatan like Trump is as welcome as a snake oil televangelist.

Mike Pence made the mistake of attending a black evangelical church shortly after his boss uttered his toxic comments, and the pastor was duty-bound to vehemently denounce the president`s racist rhetoric.

Pence`s huge Bible was no shield for the minister`s words of condemnation, and his face was red with fury and humiliation.

Sunday night Pence probably commensurated with Trump`s evangelical advisory council in a presidential circle jerk.

If only the Rev. Maurice Watson was granted an audience with Trump!

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Donald Trump and Melania Trump Are an Affront to the Memory of Martin Luther King Jr.

Legislation was signed in 1983 creating a federal holiday marking the birthday of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Taking place each year on the third Monday in January, the MLK Day of Service is observed as a national day of service in honor of the tireless crusader for peace and justice.

Unfortunately, very few people who aren`t federal employees actually get the day off, but we should still honor the memory of MLK by serving others after we get off from work.

Donald Trump, the President of the United States, didn`t set an example for the people that he serves by helping build a house for Habitat for Humanity or by serving meals in a food kitchen, he was too busy playing golf with his millionaire pals.

Melania Trump on Monday sent out a tweet acknowledging Martin Luther King Jr.`s lifetime of service, but nobody was buying it.

Today we honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. & his service to this great country. I am honored to be First Lady of a nation that continually strives for equality & justice for all. #MLKDay

The nation may strive to create a more perfect union, but her husband`s racist rhetoric and policies are setting back our democracy decades.

If Melania really wanted to honor the memory of MLK she would poison her hubby`s covfefe.

I`d better forget the execrable Trumps if only for this holiday, so I will be in the proper state of mind to celebrate the birth of Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Donald Trump Must be Removed From Office by Any Means Necessary

In the future we will have to explain to our grandchildren just how exhausted and debilitated we were after surviving the interminable first year of Donald Trump`s presidency.

In his inaugural address Trump lamented “American carnage,” his words had a prophetic quality because he has bulldozed and trampled over our democratic institutions of the free press, independent judiciary and bipartisanship leadership. Any sober-minded patriot who considers the state of the Union will see carnage everywhere. Trump didn`t end American carnage as he promised in his inaugural speech, he exhilarated the decline of all of our democratic institutions.

After a year of living under the Trump regime I am simply exhausted, Trump is like a category five hurricane that never runs of of steam because it`s powered by Satan`s infernal farts. It is impossible to ignore Trump without becoming a recluse and unplugging the TV and radio, and going offline. The only solution is to remove Trump from office BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

Trump will never pivot, he will never become presidential, and he will never reach rock bottom. His mind is a bottomless shithole of racism, vulgarity and paranoia. As a political writer for a local newspaper and a blogger I am perhaps more exhausted than most of my fellow Americans, because it`s my job to chronicle Trump`s racism and sheer insanity.

But we must not grow weary in well-doing, we must continue our fight against our shithole president and his shithole Republican enablers until he`s removed from office, and I emphasize BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

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Study: Dog Owners Would Rather Be With Pets Than Friends

“More than half of American dog owners admit they flake out on social events to hang out with their pet, according to new research.

The study of 2,000 dog owners found skipping out on human commitments specifically to get a bit of quality furry friend time is a common occurrence.

That bond is understandable given the way they aid our mental health – from their ability to lessen relationship stress to softening bad days at work and more, the average dog gets their owner through five (4.83) stressful events every week.

In fact, six in ten survey-takers said their dog often takes care of them in some way, shape or form, reinforcing the important two-way relationship between dogs and humans.”

Fox 10

I`m not surprised by the results of this study, I`d rather hang out with my pooch, Mandy, than engage in any social interaction with a friend, colleague or family member.

Of course I would rather spend quality time with my loyal and faithful canine companion than attend a social event where rats are scheming to climb the social ladder or flirting to find a rutting partner for the night.

Even innocuous small talk with a friend or coworker is like navigating a minefield, whereas walking or playing with Mandy is an oasis of peace and relaxation in a chaotic world.

Don`t feel guilty if you flaked out on attending a baby shower or a friend`s birthday party to hang out with your dog. That adorable baby will probably grow up to be an ungrateful spoiled brat, and your friend is probably bonking your girlfriend, whereas your pooch will remain faithful and loyal for the rest of his life.

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